General Going In Circles! Roomates Or More?! I Want Your Opinion

[dazednconfused]

really weird...

I know it is really weird, but I think he might not really have been with this girl after all. I think maybe he just wants me to think that. He told me that the girl told him that she could not be with a married man and for him not to call her and she is afraid that I am going to come and cause problems for her or something. I really would not do that though. It takes two to tango and I can't blame her if they were together.

Now he is staying home about every weekend and has started taking an interest in seeing our son and is actually pleasant to me most of the time. Still says he wants a divorce though, but cannot tell me why really, just that he does not miss me anymore and does not think he is "in-love" with me. I am so confused by all of this. He even told me himself that it does not make sense to him either, but he just knows that we could never be together again. Weird, right?

I tried to just drop our son off at where he is staying tonight and went well, until I noticed my lovely child had left his coat in the car and had to take it back over there. I had to go in and of course he acted like nothing has happened and started talking to me and we chit-chatted just like before all this happened except for at the end of the conversation, I have to kiss my son bye-bye and then I told him I hoped his headache got better and I for some stupid reason touched his arm when I left, I guess just to touch him. He did not act like he minded it, but that was not good for me though, because now I am sitting here, really missing him and wishing that he were back here and we had our life back together.

Why can I not just let him go? Why is it that one minute he is so mean to me and the next we can have a good conversation and have so much fun together and then either he or I one has to walk out the door and leave our son? I try to play by the rules, but the rules change so much that I don't know what they are anymore.

I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but it is just like he just can't bring himself to admit he does still love me and come back and try again. He sometimes says that he only hurts everyone he is around and he does not want to hurt me or our son anymore. That is very noble of him, but how do I live without him, when I love him so much.

I am however glad that he has shown an interest in our child again and maybe, just maybe if I am patient with him, and he has not had a sexual relationship with this girl and just wanted me to think that, then we could try again. There are so many if's though that I don't know if it will ever work out or not.

Just keep on praying for us. I know we could make it if he could get his problems worked out like Anthony said and I am learning how to be more patient myself and to do things on my own and not get so offended and take things he does/says so personally anymore.

thanks again for listening....

dazed

 

[hannah]

Dazed - what a turn around for you you sound much stronger for you......I wish our situations could be magicked away but alas no - dont go back down keep growing stronger and who knows. what do they say "baby steps". i seem to have blown it now - with my impatience cant to take / implement the good advice - Just getting through Christmas will be a deal in itself . take care

 

[Andrea42]

Tig,
I feel your pain...same thing here :( kinda...well when we seperated, he was very hurt, then became very "needy" he said and found someone new to spend time with :( we are now together but it is hard knowing that he once (this past year) trusted somebody else...and pretty much turned to her for whatever he needed :( I still throw fits about it occationally :(
Dazed,
Im pretty sure he was at the very least talking to this girl...but like i have told you before, it seems that your husband has gone too far.....
Veiled,
Thank you for breaking everything down for me... Alot of it makes sence (i will go into detail later) but some things i do not agree with of course because thats exactly how myhusband thinks....its weird..... Im not happy right now, and not having the best day, but thanks to everyone for their input...
Makes me think....do we have problems because of PTSD or are these guys just typical men?! I cant tell.....Dont mean to talk trash... Im just not in the best mood......

 

[Deleted member 93]

I am just going to say in regards to YOU and YOUR situation Andrea it is a PTSD thing... Not a girl guy thing - unless things are being left out. I posted exactly how I feel and what I go through and last time I checked I did not have all the hairy thing going like guys so no, not male. Some people here have marital issues. What you cut out is PTSD.

 

[Andrea42]

Veiled,
I agree with the whole disabilty thing...i know i shouldn't have said "still" and i should have been more supportive...i know because he has told me that he hates not being able to work. Thanks for pointing that out.
I see how all the negative things i say may be hurting out relationship, even our sex life. I guess i am so overwhlemed that i dont even see things unless someone like you (who understands and takes the time to explain things) lets me know how i am doing things the wrong way... or at least show me that i can do them in a different way.

My husband is wonderful when it comes to making delicious meals and i do appreciate it considering i cant cook for sh*t lol...but you are right i need to give him more credit, it could be worse i guess....

Thank you so much Veiled so breaking everything down for me...I really do hope things work out between DD and i....i really do love him with all my heart and he means the world to me...i just think that we are too different at times as well though.... sometimes i think its me with the problems and not you guys lol

p.s. i know you know alot about DD and i :) and i agree with you to a point....i dont want to think that its a guy thing because i know he is different... you are funny :)

 

[Deleted member 93]

I know y'all have had trials beyond this from what you have posted and still y'all are together, now y'all have this. I say y'all as when one has PTSD both suffer from PTSD and it's symptoms.

Marriage sucks going up and down for normal couples. PTSD certainly puts things to the test. Y'all have made it this far and I have confidence in y'all because what I see is a lot of PTSD and your depression from dealing with it. I would not say a word about it if y'all had not been open with me in the past. But you need to not (OK try not) to let his symptoms be what you currently believe about yourself. Think about it. You are a working woman, you have an ill husband, you are standing by him even though you suffer right now. Forget past crap and look at what you are doing now! Take that feeling of empowerment and ride high on it, you are not beaten, Andrea. You just need to boost yourself to see how hard you are working to make sense of this crap. And hell we can't even do it a lot of the time.

But ya know... Like that feral animal thing I was talking about. Us being women are used to being the a bit spoiled ones. So try turning the tables and see at this point in time you have an ill house-husband (You are doing what so many men have done for centuries, welcome equal rights lol). One of those meals... Bust out a couple candle sticks and light them and turn down the lights and turn off TVs and radios. Just tell him thank you, this is a nice supper. And enjoy peace and quiet between you. No talking about issues or troubles. Just enjoy a nice softly lit dinner and say thanks and leave it.

I used the feral animal analogy because, well guys are a bit like wild animals at times LOL.

Try it here and there without any emotional or sexual pressure. Just leave the door open if he chooses to come to you by trying to avoid giving a cold shoulder. Little things like that add up really. Especially if there is no feeling of strings attached.

My hubs and I are locking horns currently, but I am sure it will smooth out, we always hit patches (feels like a crash and burn and grounds for divorce!) But we work through it, amazing what simple time can do.

But hubs and I... Well, he backed off. He did A LOT. It took a very long time of that and no pressure, but plenty of praise to make me warm up to him again. I am not always warm, but I do now get that way again.

He feels by not backing off after learning about PTSD and learning by my ques when I needed him anything else was selfish on his part. Every little step I make he is there to back it and recognize it. Every set back he tells me you know this is part of the process and it will get better. Then sometimes he says the most horrible things as stress gets to him and he gets an evil eye for a month! LOL.

I think y'all have what it takes as do many here in spouse as y'all don't give up and you stand by their side and not try to make it worse. Some may unintentionally needle, like you were, but that was simply you not knowing it. But I figure that is why you come and ask.

I hope it helps some Andrea, hugs your way and tell DD I send them his way too, y'all can do this... But it is a long hard journey. I hope my hubs will get on here after we settle after the move... As little as I would like hearing him say all the stupid shit I say and do, but I think he could offer good advice. We are still married :) He has dealt with this for at about 5 years now? Besides he went and bought his own laptop now since I am a computer hog...

 

[tig]

Been there, done that

Dazed, I'm not trying to be harsh, hurt your feelings, or dash your hopes--just being honest & trying to get you to look at this objectively.

I know it is really weird, but I think he might not really have been with this girl after all. I think maybe he just wants me to think that. He told me that the girl told him that she could not be with a married man and for him not to call her and she is afraid that I am going to come and cause problems for her or something. I really would not do that though. It takes two to tango and I can't blame her if they were together.

Sadly, in my experience men don't "go away" every weekend just so that they can talk to a girl...(esp. since he's home every wknd now). Frankly, I wouldn't be so quick to believe the rest, either. Yes I fell for it, too--until...

Now he is staying home about every weekend and has started taking an interest in seeing our son and is actually pleasant to me most of the time. Still says he wants a divorce though, but cannot tell me why really, just that he does not miss me anymore and does not think he is "in-love" with me. I am so confused by all of this. He even told me himself that it does not make sense to him either, but he just knows that we could never be together again. Weird, right?

If he already has a lawyer, the first thing he'd tell hubs is to stop seeing this girl until the divorce he wants is finalized & become a bigger presence in his son's life...
About the reason "Why?" Sounds like he's trying to take the easy way out, instead of telling you he has feelings for another. At some point, he's going to have to declare a reason, & I don't want you to be blind-sided by it.

...he acted like nothing has happened and started talking to me and we chit-chatted just like before all this happened except for at the end of the conversation,...I told him I hoped his headache got better and I for some stupid reason touched his arm when I left, I guess just to touch him. He did not act like he minded it, but that was not good for me though, because now I am sitting here, really missing him and wishing that he were back here and we had our life back together.

He's giving you mixed messages, which naturally confuses you & makes you miss him more. Sometimes it hurts so much more that it makes you wish you hadn't seen him...?

Why can I not just let him go? Why is it that one minute he is so mean to me and the next we can have a good conversation and have so much fun together and then either he or I one has to walk out the door and leave our son? I try to play by the rules, but the rules change so much that I don't know what they are anymore.

Because you love him...See above

I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but it is just like he just can't bring himself to admit he does still love me and come back and try again. He sometimes says that he only hurts everyone he is around and he does not want to hurt me or our son anymore. That is very noble of him, but how do I live without him, when I love him so much.

1st: It seems more "Guilt" than nobility. 2nd: you mourn the loss.You get stronger slowly, day by day, until you find yourself & your son going on this life without him- without missing him. It's more complicated with children in the picture. We agreed to make the exchange in a public place (McDonald's for us; but then my ex was abusive).

I think you have enough hope for all of us. I hope he does give you both that 2nd chance. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers.
(Sorry--can't seem to master the multi-quote thing!)

 

[wildcritter44]

Andrea,

my hubby (ranger2_75) has his ups and downs. I don't remember reading any of the causes for your hub's PTSD. Causes may be important in wading thru the emotional turmoil you both suffer. I think you may have heard the term "triggers" used here in the forum. The triggers are the spouses land mines in this horrible battle we all fight daily. It's very difficult to learn the triggers sometimes and takes a while because they might not realize what it is that triggers them. My hubby was an army ranger and literally killed people for a living, not a great thought is it? It was something he was trained to do and did what he was trained. He was raised by a religious family and I know he felt it was wrong to take a life - no matter what --. Yet if he hadn't killed he and or his team could all have died. Night after night he has the night mares. Day after day he continues to hate himself for what he did. He feels he's not worthy of being loved.
He can't take sleeping pills -- because if he does, he can't wake up from the nightmare. He was young 20 yrs old when this happened. (he's now 34 yrs) so this wasn't so long ago. He is deep down a warm hearted, loving man, with a wonderful soul. He just feels "haunted" by those he killed. Everyday it eats at him and different things will "trigger" him.
I feel lucky that he married me, as I am 50 yrs old. overweight and have my fair share of "issues"!
Frustrated, confused, and most of the time I don't know what to do to help him. I continually tell him -- I love him -- that he did what he had to do --- and that God had a reason why tho we may not know what it is.

 

[wildcritter44]

Andrea,

I hope things work out for you. I wish I could help. Just keep checking in here. You aren't alone.. spouses suffer almost as much as the PTSD sufferers do.

HUGS --- I will sent my prayers for a happy outcome and a great hoiday for you...

D

 

[tig]

Andrea, I agree with what 'critter said. We will all be thinking of you.
K.

 

[Andrea42]

Hi Wildcritter,
Thanks to you and Tig for thinking of me :)

I think you may have heard the term "triggers" used here in the forum. The triggers are the spouses land mines in this horrible battle we all fight daily. It's very difficult to learn the triggers sometimes and takes a while because they might not realize what it is that triggers them

I have heard of "triggers" my hubby talks about that all the time...and yes for a long while my hubby didnt know what his triggers where, but i think he has a better understanding now as well as i do.
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD this year due to being in the military and serving over seas in Iraq.....On top of that, just like yourself i dont know what i can do to help him (im sure you have learned here though that he can only help himself) and i am not much of a supporter considering all the issues i have as well :( What your husband is going through must be horrible...to live with those horrible memories every single day must be hell :( All you can do is stay by his side like you have been....Is he getting help? or has he? i hope so....it may not go away completely, but i have learned that getting help makes life a little bit easier..... DD (my husband) goes to therapy at the VA on thursdays and it has helped him alot...he looks forward to going and talking to other vets now, that can relate to how he feels....
just make sure he is trying to help himself, we cant do much but give them the support they need.
Thank You

and Veiled, again... you are an amazing person and i always look forward to reading your thoughts and how you see things...you make alot of sense and are very helpful, and are very appreciated :)
~Hugs~

 

[FeelingAlone]

I'm going through something similar

Hi Andrea,

Your post touched a chord - I'm suffering similarly in my relationship with my fiance, though I push less and she does hold hands and occasionally cuddle. But flirting, desire, and lovemaking come with long waits in between, and sometimes she will go a long time without expressing any sign of desire for me. It's very difficult. We're in our twenties too, and I want so badly to enjoy being young with her.

A few days ago she committed to trying to flirt or show desire more. She said she thought she was ready to. It's going a bit rough so far, and I have forgotten how to trust her. :(

That must be why I'm struggling with trying to have patience. I feel so beat up and alone inside that I've forgotten how to trust. How to trust that she'll be there with me.

She has nightmares every night - about being raped, usually about me raping her. :( No wonder she doesn't want to come anywhere near me. I miss the passion in our relationship.

I feel very alone. It's good to know there are others feeling this way. I wish I could make up my mind how to react and how to go on. I feel completely stalled and stuck and exhausted.