This First Act

[AzureMind]

I had a flashback about when I witnessed my mother's severe beating upon which she pulled a gun when I was 4....I know it doesn't seem very traumatic, and (honestly I think it's stupid :)) but what I remember is feeling so overwhelmed by it, that everything went "BLACK"....and i went inside my mind, and I remember it was black, not necessarily dark, but black....and there was a single spotlight, and I felt inside like i was "breaking" and I heard (inside my mind) a mirror break......ever since that day, I've felt "broken"....in fragments.....not whole....honestly I know this sounds strange, but it was beautiful....divine even.... it seemed as if in that moment, all the pieces of an insane motif came together to produce such a profound experience inside me that I just "turned off and shattered"....I literally felt like I was in pieces.....

I wrote this because now I dissociate to a point that I begin to "fall asleep".....does anyone go through this? The "falling asleep" thing I mean? I'd really like to know what it means, to dissociate to this point....can anyone offer any speculation or help on this?

 

[AzureMind]

fact of the matter is, I don't remember half my life, that's exactly to the DAY 11 years gone....I remember things "sporadically" and "temporarily" only to have them lost again to the cloud over my earlier years....I have no understanding of this....I often time maybe able to recall some events of my childhood, (which are few outside of knowing that I played videogames most of the time) but these are very rare, and far and few in between. I think because these events rarely involve other people, I gather that this must mean I spent a great amount of time alone, and in "fantasy" play....my parents were unavailable, and I was TORMENTED at school....all this just built up walls around me to keep others out. i suppose being kept in isolation all the time, and with a healthy fear of the world, I was left to (literally) my own devices, cerebral and mechanical.

 

[Heather]

I had a flashback about when I witnessed my mother's severe beating upon which she pulled a gun when I was 4
....I know it doesn't seem very traumatic, and (honestly I think it's stupid )

Azure.....Question for you. I don't understand why you would say that you don't think this seems very traumatic. If my mother was being severely beaten and then pulled a gun I would think that would be pretty traumatic. That's just my opinion. Well, maybe not my mother but someone's mother.....

Anyway, Just wondering.

 

[OKRADLAK]

If I have a PTSD rage, I do fall asleep afterwards. And yes, I do get that black in the mind. Everything really goes black.

 

[AzureMind]

I'm sorry Heather....It's just a "force of habit" for me to smile or say "It's not that bad!"....at least when others shine the spotlight on me....I'm used to being the "superchild" in my family, I'm the oldest, of 2 and therefore less able to make mistakes, and errors of any kind....my parents HIGHLIGHT my failures, and misgivings, and do often NOTHING to support me, or shows little in the way of genuine affection....That is part of the reason why I dissociate; I have a family "inside" that won't leave or fail me....this external world, I don't know....this place, these people....loving them or DEPENDING on them in anyway is dangerous/threatening so I keep my distance....there's nothing genuine about people nowadays....that's the only GENUINE thing I know! lol I'm sorry for the smiles and laughing....I gotta laugh or I'd go crazy ya know? Well, I actually already there, so, I guess there's no worries there! lol

I see this bloody green sweater with trees on it....sometimes I can talk about it and be emotionally "numb" other times I can't get the "picture" but I'll cry or scream hysterically saying "I could've died!!!!" but when I feel like that, I dissociate....I just check out.....my father told me that he didn't do it to hurt me, and "If I wanted to I could've hurt you?" lol see what I've gotta deal with? It's not that the guys sorry, it's just he doesn't want to own up to it....he's a nutjob....a reall S-Class F***UP.

I REALLY have a special place in my heart for him.....a gurney with lots of jagged re-curving blades.....a cell with an iron clad door...."just the two of us" as they say....lol Psycho I know....I'll stop laughing now....:)

This has really screwed with me in ALOT of ways.....ways I can't even talk about....let's just say that the part of me that gets to "choose" who I want to be with in a relationship is messed up, and I can't even think about that....if someone gets close to me....too close....I just "check out".....I'm afraid of people....I live my life trying to "pre-empt" their attack.....I feel like when I step outside, i'll be attacked.....I have this raised eyebrow because alot of my stress is centralized in my "head" and body....I'm always tense and on gaurd.....it sucks, but it's life....at least for now.....

Love isn't given to everyone.....and I don't want it if I have to take it....I opt out of that.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Azure... I think you describe it very well.
I have blacked out a lot of my past trauma and times when my emotions were just raw. I have these random flashbacks to things that weren't necessarily traumatic, but my ability to remember events and my disassociation episodes seem to happen in phases. Right now, I seem to be going through an emotionally numb phase where I can't recall many events from the past in great detail. I guess it's just how the human brain is designed to protect the psyche from such traumatic stuff? I'm not sure. That's just the way I think of it.

 

[AzureMind]

I have blacked out a lot of my past trauma and times when my emotions were just raw. I have these random flashbacks to things that weren't necessarily traumatic, but my ability to remember events and my disassociation episodes seem to happen in phases. Right now, I seem to be going through an emotionally numb phase where I can't recall many events from the past in great detail.

You too Vee? :) :( I'm smiling because you just hit the nail right on the head with that one; you completely captured what I was trying to say....beautifully done.... I'm frowning because someone so sweet, and kind doesn't deserve this....

It's as if the proverbial "fog" is lifted for a time and a "flashback" comes through....It scramble's my brain than I've gotta pick it up, dust it off, polish off, and pop it back in ya know? :D lol I've yet to discover what the "triggers" are, but I think it's just stress and guilt....I feel a HUGE amount of guilt for not being able to protect my mother.....I dissociate the feelings....I dissociate most uncomfortable feelings....

A therapist I was seeing through my college had surveyed my for Chronic Depression, and he said I have it (big surprise there lol) and he told me "you have no coping mechanisms" and that's true to a degree, but I actually do....I dissociate.....AT WILL.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Haha, thanks, azure. :)

I don't really know what my triggers are either necessarily. I have a few that I know will set me off, but there are times that I'll panic or have a flashback and I don't understand what exactly led up to it.

I have read that people who have complex trauma have more "disorganized" triggers. I think that meds have done a lot to limit that stuff. Are you taking meds?

I disagree that you have "no coping mechanisms". Everyone copes with stress SOMEHOW, even if it's unhealthy. I think some therapists need to be more careful when they say that kind of stuff. I was told by a few different therapists that basically people "like me" are usually put in the hospital for life and that's that. I've also been told that I'll never lead a normal life because I'm "too traumatized" and "too broken". I think that's just a load of BS and does more to hurt than to heal... :/

 

[AzureMind]

I have read that people who have complex trauma have more "disorganized" triggers.

Really? Complex Trauma...what does that mean (I suppose in clinical terms or generalities)? How does that differ from PTSD? Are you saying there's something deeper than PTSD?

As far as meds go, no, not taking any meds right now....I'm afraid I'll be a "zombie"....what am I saying? I already AM! lol as long as it doesn't have me tearing my hear out, or "racing for rails" I guess it's cool :cool:

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Well, it's not recognized by the DSM yet, but "complex PTSD" would include survivors of long term trauma, like child abuse. I know Anthony has information on this site about it and you can easily find information on Google. I have been reading about it in my workbook for PTSD.

Ha, well, maybe you should look into meds :) they aren't really as bad as they seem, and think about it this way - we are all so anxious and wired that tranquilizers wouldnt put us to sleep, they'd just let us focus long enough to get through a movie. Lol :D
I don't feel at all tired or zombie-ish, but I don't disassociate as much and I'm able to answer the door without running and grabbing a bat first! :D hahaha

 

[AzureMind]

Thanks Vee again! It's just for good reference, and familiarity with the criteria, I DO NOT diagnose myself with anything that I am not qualified to, and don't want to label myself before I see a therapist who specializes in dissociation, and PTSD....I think that's the best place to start.

we are all so anxious and wired that tranquilizers wouldnt put us to sleep, they'd just let us focus long enough to get through a movie. Lol :D

They're just another way to get through the day right? :) How sweet would it be to be able to sit through a movie and know what the HELL is going on!? lol

So the meds help with your anxiety, and other symptoms? I'm more worried about becoming "dependent" and unable to produce the "good feelings" myself....my mom's voice in my head...she's got this THING with psychiatry.....I tell her what's going on with me, and she's like NON responsive, or goes into MELTDOWN mode with "Well what do you want ME to do about it?!" I've ripped her asshole after asshole and she just sits on her ass doing nothing....to her, her kids CAN'T be sick/screwed up/wrong/socially subject to problems, so she just avoided medicine, and labeled it as "not for her kids they don't work" she's a piece of SOMETHING my ma.....haven't decided WHAT though yet....;) lol

 

[Heather]

.my parents HIGHLIGHT my failures, and misgivings, and do often NOTHING to support me, or shows little in the way of genuine affection....

Sure we didn't grow up in the same family? This scenario plays out quite often too.