Complex Trauma From Parents

[just me here]

I was exposed to a deeply religious and incredibly stupid stepmother for approximately 2 years from 11 to age 13. After that I was only around her at family functions and never dependant on her for anything but civility for almost 40 years. I got to were I could be around her without remembering the incredible oppression she forced on me and the way my father enforced it for her.
Now they are older and need my help, and will need it more as they age. The "religious" siblings that knuckled under and stayed in the home have lead lives of shameless selfishness, irresponsibility and poor decision making, so my parents had to come to me for help in their old age and moved to my county last year.
Guess what- they are as oppressive and controlling as ever, they would be running my life for me if I would just seek their approval, wich I do not. They haven't changed at all, unless it is an increase in the skill they exhibit in masking criticism as false praise or communicating their disappointment in oblique easily denied ways. They practice a religion that they themselves cannot satisfy the demands of. And they beleive it is their duty to share the true path with everyone they can and point out the failures of anyone that should know better wich is unfortunately the group they think I am in.
People don't change unless they want to. They don't want to, and neither do I. These deep seated religious beleifs put them in a different world, losing people to these "cults" is like a death without a funeral.

 

[scott_1971_h]

People don't change unless they want to. They don't want to, and neither do I. These deep seated religious beleifs put them in a different world, losing people to these "cults" is like a death without a funeral.

Sounds more like religious addiction to me.
Dud was forever making excuses for his second wife, after making a career of BEING the excuse for his first wifey dearest (Yeti). And guess who he blamed? The kids of course. I didn't want to be there either.

Scott

 

[just me here]

I never thought of religion as being an addiction. There was an Italian philosopher named Pareto ( I beleive) that said people can be divided into 2 very seperate groups, the first of wich had what he called the desire for predecision, they wanted rigorous instruction and rigid rules for all to follow, the other group had what he called the instinct for combination, they were happiest when decisions were made as needed based on the current situation and prevailing mood.

I don't know if I can represent the ideas he presented or even get the name right, that philosophy class was in 1983 and I suspect I have forgotten most of the valuable things, but I do agree that there are definitely people that seek a religion or cult that will answer all the questions for them, tell them what to think and when to think it.

It is so sad that my parents desire for predetermination has led them to a religion that also seperates them from almost everything that other people find so joyful. They can't go to their grandkids graduations because they happen on a holy day, they missed all the sports, the honor bands, the dance competitions because any kind of competition is verboten, and the constant evangelism has alienated them from every member of every neighborhood they have ever lived in.

It is like an addiction in one respect- anything that threatens their ability to remain in contact with their religion is met with severe sometimes violent reactions. They just can't think a thought about leaving it behind without having it followed by a stronger thought that they need to pray and seek foregiveness for even thinking about it. they are both alive and dead to me. they are like bad copies of their formal selves, whatever that was.

I an waking up in the morning almost every day to feelings like I am 14 again, in my room, wondering how to get through the day without showing any sadness for the death of my mother or the changes that came after my father remarried. If I so much as asked a question like "why can't I go see my old friends anymore?" I would get the whole screaming, spitting, physically abusive "leave the past behind and join us on our path to righteousness" argument.
I lived in total fear and disbeleif for the short time I was exposed to it, and now it is back and almost as hard to live with now as it was then.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Oh yes it can be, particularly if it feeds into their feelings of being superior, special, saved, or somehow otherwise better than everyone else. Its their narcissistic supply. Yeti's very religious, when it suits her, she's changed religions so often that she doesnt know what she is but she's better than everyone else. Can come in the form of lecturing everyone how to be just like her, a nut...

Scott

 

[scott_1971_h]

Maybe I'm still in denial. I mean, she's not like Joan Crawford.

Yeti used to bitch about Joan Crawford, saying what a bad parent she was. Yeti must have identified very much with her because Yeti was worse.

Scott

 

[LawPhotos]

Maybe instead of the abuser mellowing with age, it is the victim gaining power with age or with circumstances that brings about the change. In order to "successfully" abuse, the victim has to be weaker in some sense than the abuser. Like many, my raging alcoholic mother reacted to my adolescence (physical maturity) by switching from physical abuse and torture to primarily emotional abuse. As the youngest and physically smallest child my abuse lasted much longer than my siblings. She didn't really begin to leave me alone until I graduated from law school, married and had children. When I gained power, she lost power and appeared to level out. All of a sudden she was like a different person. She almost seemed normal--downright nice at times. The more she aged (and therefore the weaker she got) the more it seemed like that monster that dominated my entire life never even existed.

Confused me to no end and I began to doubt everything. That's when my problems with reality really began. Somehow I convinced myself early on in adulthood that none of it ever happened and I "forgot" all about it. It allowed me to deny everything that had ever happened to me until 18 years later when a friend said an innocuous sentence to me about her relationship with her mom which triggered the mother (no pun intended) of all flashbacks and life has been sheer hell for me ever since.

Five years ago my father was diagnosed with Alzheimers. As he decreased in function and therefore in power, new life was breathed into the demon inside my mother and she quickly took up her old role of abuser. Since he was quite larger and had good strength she didn't physically abuse him but the emotional and verbal abuse was horrible. She tortured his mind to the very end by interspersing her horrific treatment with gushing empathy and a false show of caring whenever anyone was around. When he became violent as a result of his disease she quickly stuffed him into a facility.

Cohesing the person I knew as a child and again recently with my father, with the person who I was "friends" with for 18 years is an impossibility for me. It causes me to constantly question what really happened and what didn't. Not an easy way to live.

 

[hazen]

My parents sure haven't mellowed out. I cringe when my dad chases his cat around trying to hit it.

They are the king and queen of manipulation still. My whole family dynamic is based on guilt.

guh its been a bad day for this stuff. This is the first time I've actually gotten angry at them for what they did... maybe that's a good thing?

Anyway, mellow? Not yet.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Cohesing the person I knew as a child and again recently with my father, with the person who I was "friends" with for 18 years is an impossibility for me. It causes me to constantly question what really happened and what didn't. Not an easy way to live.

Yep me too. How can you tell what happened and what didn't when you have a compulsive pathological liar in charge, as happened when you lived with your parents? I question everything that happened too.
Scott

 

[just me here]

Cohesing the person I knew as a child and again recently with my father, with the person who I was "friends" with for 18 years is an impossibility for me. It causes me to constantly question what really happened and what didn't. Not an easy way to live.

I had a nice coping system all in place, it involved some denial, some acceptance of blame, some guilt associated with that and some memories that I had modified over time or had learned to cut short whenever I started to play them back.
My PTSD was diagnosed based on a strong fear of driving in traffic and the heightened adrenaline levels I suffered after any threat, real or perceived.
I thought that my EMDR sessions would be working on my traumas from car wrecks and from responding to them as an EMT or as a firefighter, but we went straight to my parents and the 2-3 years I lived with my stepmother in the house after my mom died.
The wave of repressed memories was overwhelming, I had 35 years of being able to cope with the damage they caused stripped away like it never existed and I was 14 years old and trying to make sense of it all again. Maybe the most detrimental peice of counseling or therapy I ever suffered.
I am taking some time away from all therapy for awhile, but talking to people that get it on this forum has always been a great source of confidence and grounding.

 

[njray]

just me here,

I am curious how was therapist able to hone in on repressed memories of your childhood?

nj

 

[Crl1983]

I thought he had "mellowed out" some over the years, but apparently not...not at all...some people don quite convincing masks, do they not?

 

[scott_1971_h]

I thought he had "mellowed out" some over the years, but apparently not...not at all...some people don quite convincing masks, do they not?

Indeed. If your parent has NPD they will not get better. They will get better at it. They will get better at appearing normal while the underlying pathology gets 'fine tuned'. Yeti is getting worse/better by the day at being an N. I've had to sever all contact with her.

Scott