Identity Loss

[Mercy]

There was a "feeling" I had, at one point during the worst of the trauma, where I felt like I died. The feeling was complete with an out-of-body experience and the whole nine yards. I could never shake the belief that some core part of myself had died and I lost my identity during the process.

After years of therapy, I discovered that the core self (containing a big chunk of my identity) was only buried deep inside of me and was not dead. I began making a list of the things I liked, loved, hated and feared and began to get a better sense of who I am. Maybe this will help you too.

I understand the absent identity thing. I used to feel like I carried my dead self in my womb where noone could see her. The exterior me was just a shell. It was wonderful to discover over time and therapy that I wasn't dead just overwhelmed.

As for not recognizing myself in the mirror, it can be funny. I once picked up a really pretty pink ribbon for my ponytail only to confront in the mirror an old lady with short curly gray hair. Oh, Well....

 

[purple butterfly]

I don't have any helpful advise only to say I totally understand the feeling of having lost your identity. I also feel totally numb most of the time, shattered to my inner core. I feel as though I no longer know who I am My core beliefs about my family, in particular my father have been false all my life. I feel betrayed and totally overwhelmed.
Take care

 

[OKRADLAK]

I hate who I am and who I was. I work to create a new identity and cling to the things I choose and find important . If they erase all traces of "me" then I will be happy.

I think I have lost my mind.

 

[Kintsugi]

Maybe losing your mind to find it again is the best way?

That is how I am feeling.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I hate who I am and who I was. I work to create a new identity and cling to the things I choose and find important . If they erase all traces of "me" then I will be happy.
I think I have lost my mind.

This is a little like the Letting Go thread.
What makes you think that if they erase you, you will be happy
Scott

 

[Mercy]

I hate who I am and who I was. I work to create a new identity and cling to the things I choose and find important . If they erase all traces of "me" then I will be happy.

I think I have lost my mind.

The tough truth is that we are all of who we have ever been. To create a new persona/alter functions only for a short time. While it is tremendously helpful to learn what you like, choose and find important, it is also needful to reconcile with all parts of one's own being. For me, that meant assigning new roles to existing alters. In one case part of me kept the physical pain level up, so that when more severe pain came along it wasn't such a high jump. My heart could take it. That part of me was asked to stand down. "The war is over. He was thanked for his loyal service was given a purple heart. His new assignment was to go on patrol and scan for beautiful and comforting things, a nice park bench, still water reflections. He finally got to look at and absorb the good things in life not just the horror.

 

[Kintsugi]

Huh, Mercy, I feel like twenty times less crazy right now because of you. I have started killing my false personalities, dismissing them, writing about them splitting into particles that all drift apart. It's not really working, though. They are too alive to me. I think that reassigning is a great idea!

 

[Mercy]

The truth is that they are not false personalities. They partial personalities that are split off parts of you. Mine were mainly children of different ages frozen in time. Amnesia like this protects our minds from what we cannot handle knowing when we were so young.

One simple thing helped me understand in the beginning. My Art T gave me some playdough. She asked me to pick any color I liked and white. We broke up the color into different sized balls and the white into the same sized balls. Then I got to moush the pairs together really well. I had light blue, medium blue, darker blue, and just barely blue little balls. We put them away for a while. About two months later, We got them out recognized them each and then we had the biggest moushing party ever. We ended up with a really pretty ball with lots of color variations some swirly areas, some wavey lines, and some little dots like stars. I saw that each of us could live together and not loose any part of us. We could loose the blame, guilt, shame, meanness, hurt,.......But we wouldn't have to loose who we are. It's just that we used to be behind separate barriers and ashamed of each other or afraid of each other.
Now we are not.

 

[Lionheart]

Mine were mainly children of different ages frozen in time.

My youngest child self carried the pain that he didn't have words for. He manifested himself with silent screams of pain, (ya know when you open your mouth to cry and no sound comes, only tears). I bought that child self a teddy bear to snuggle with when the waves of pain came. This child self I called "Tiny, while "Nikki" carried my wild side," and "Rose" carried my innocence. There were others as well.

Today, I recognize these frozen children as part of who I am, I guess I integrated them into my larger personality, much like you did with the play dough. I really like the play dough analogy of our different child selves and will remember this when I am feeling "split-off." Thank you for sharing your experience!!!

 

[intothelight]

But yes, I understand. Sometimes I do not even recognize myself in a mirror.

I have had that same experience with mirrors and photographs. It is the strangest feeling.

 

[Ruth]

Ever since my dissociative episodes worsened, I feel like I've really lost my "core identity" and have no way of getting it back.....is it normal to feel "personally blank" or "devoid of personality"? It's like I do all these things, ALL of which leave me NO feeling of identity confirmation....for instance, I know that I can draw, i know I can swim, I know I can kick/box....these things just don't seem to give me a sense of comfort, as if to say "this is who I am".....

I feel formless....hollow, and empty....My family seems so definite, and sure in their personalities; my mother is the "debutante, the bell of the ball, Miss Valley Girl" my father is the "High School Hero, Mr. 2-A-Days" my brother is the "Social Butterfly the Baby..." but I can't define myself....I don't feel "at home" with me....I feel like if the personality was a house, mine would be bare...I move back and forth between ALL these things I just DO, but nothing really clues me in to who I am....can anyone identify/understand this?

Dear AzureMind, I completely relate. I compartmentalize everything in my life and struggle with feeling and/or expressing emotion. I've been in treatment for PTSD for a year, one day a week I meet with who I call the "feelings lady" and for an hour we try to identify feelings. This is by far my least favorite part of treatment. I've made remarkable progress in many areas but in this particular area I still struggle daily. I'm not happy or depressed or really anything. I do what is in front of me to the best of my ability but the second I am done I never think of it again. Last week the feelings lady asked me what I liked to eat and I couldn't answer. Even my food habits are carefully calculated daily occurrences that consist of the highest calorie and most nutritional value with the least amount of effort. Detachment was necessary during and after my trauma so I try not to get to down about it. The same emotional defense that is causing me grief today, is what saved my life during and after my trauma. When I think of that way it puts things into perspective. I rather be detached than dead.

 

[AzureMind]

I'm not happy or depressed or really anything.

Ruth, that's how it is with me....usually, I'm just "here" when I'm not dissociated.....not mad, sad, but sometimes happy.....happy because it's as if I get a 2nd chance to live life free of any painful memories....free of fear, I'm like,

"Sure, I don't remember 2/3 of my life, but what the hell!! I'm happy about that, and maybe I can smile knowing that I DON'T know what happened! :)" lol sometimes it's easier to "fake it till I make it" but I still feel hollow, like a "liar to myself" and detached from myself.

The same emotional defense that is causing me grief today, is what saved my life during and after my trauma. When I think of that way it puts things into perspective. I rather be detached than dead.

You're right Ruth...:) You just are....lol I don't know WHERE I'd be without my ability to dissociate....it could definitely be worse.....I just feel like I'm only "half a person"....that feeling you get when you know that you're happiness is because of some lie you told....I cut myself in pieces so that "I" could survive, but what if there's pieces in me that aren't so happy I survived, or that THEY survived? :unsure:

This is a little far out ya know? I know I made it....and I'm physically ok....but something in me....ALOT in me on lower levels KNOWS something's outta whack.....I wonder how I'll deal if it ever all comes to light?