Feeling Sad And Abandoned

[purple butterfly]

I thought that my CPTSD was initially the result of living with my alcoholic husband for 30 years. He could be violent, fits of depression, was totally irresponsible with money, and has caused severe trauma for me and my 3 adult children who are studying and are still at home with me .He died in Dec2008 after a year of battling oesophageal cancer due to alcohol and smoking. It was only after his death that I started to have severe triggers relating to him and my T said i feel safer causing the symptoms of CPTSD became apparent. I stayed with him because I was frightened of being on my own and experienced years of trauma.

Running side by side with this, I am now discovering that for all my life I am 54, my father has been inflicting emotional abuse, a lot of which has been very subtle. I have very few memories but am having severe reactions to even the thought of speaking to him on the phone or hearing his voice on an answering machine. The lasr time I saw him a few monthe ago I was severely traumatised for days. At the moment I am avoiding him and I think he will have to go completly out of my life to keep me safe.

I feel completely alone, my 3 brothers one of whom is a pychologist and another a psychiatric nurse have little support which now seems to have dwindled away to nothing. So I feel alone coping with this living hell.I cannot seek support from my husband's family because they are triggers. My mother passed away about 20 years ago. My children are supportive but are also dealing with their own issues of trauma realating to their father.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. I am 40 with 2 young children. I distanced myself from my emotionally abusive father about 5 years ago. His abuse is so subtle that no one else who knows him would ever consider it abuse. It is what he thinks of me, despite how I've proven him wrong, he still thinks I am the black sheep.

I hate that I had to distance myself from him, but when I did I began to understand that it was abusive, and I began to see my perspective of what he was saying to me. I finally understand why he can say something that others agree with and yet it makes me so flippin' angry. It's great to know why he makes me angry. Before, he would say something, I would flip out, others would look at me all puzzled, and I would have to leave the room. I had no idea what to say except "That's wrong! That's not true!" and they would all agree with dad, yes it is true. Ugh. Now I know what he's done to me and how he molded me and influenced others opinions about me.

I'm lonely too, without my family. But, they are triggers for me and life is better without them.

I hope that you find companionship here, and I hope that you reach out in "real life" as well. You deserve it.

 

[ana]

I admire you both. I'm confused about my parents, especially my mother. They're the reason I attempeted suicide 3 times when I was a teenager, and things haven't changed much since then. At the same time I do and don't want to distance from them. I want to both forgive my mother and punish her. What does it take to move away from abusive parent? I feel I would be ashamed if I did it, also I believe she did the best she could at that time, if she knew better she would have done it better. I don't think I'll find peace until I can solve this dilema, but don't know how to do it.

 

[purple butterfly]

Thank you it helps to know that others understand.

Even last night I was trying to explain some of what had happened but I guess because they luckily have had no experience with this kind of trauma they looked at me blankly and continued with a conversation on a different path. This seems to happen every time I try to explain what is going on with me.

I guess that also contributes to the self doubt I sometimes feel bcause in my father's case the emotional abuse can be so subtle that it is not obvious to any one else. I sometimes have self doubt am I making this all up. But my T keeps stressing that no one has such severe emotional triggers unless they have been abused. It is part of my conditioning that I have been bought up to please him, keep him happy, make him feel special .I am learning that he is a narcissist.

People ways said what a wonderful relationship I have had with him. I now realise that my relationship with him has always been conditional on me pleasing him,meeting his needs. I don't matter except in terms of how I serve him ..

So I feel betrayed, what I thought was a loving father I can no longer bear even to talk to him on the phone . Even thinking about him gets my heart racing, panicky, feeling sick to the pit of stomach.

I hope we can all support each other on rhis journey.

 

[purple butterfly]

I got up the courage to speak to my father last night, it is five weeks since I have spoken to him. This is the longest time that I have not spoken to him. He asked about me and my adult children. I told him that I was only doing what was essentiaI, going to work, being a mum that was all I could do. He accepted that, I momentarily thought he had changed and was giving support. Then I realized there was no support he asked no questions, no offers of help or what he could do. In his mind he obviously thinks this is support.

I always thought he was my rock, now I can see that what he has always thought is support, is not. This is exactly what he did when I told him what was happening with my alcoholic husband, he listened but offered nothing. I was in a situation where I was stuck and needed someone to support, help and offer advice. He did nothing to help me with the domestic violence, financial neglect, and emotional abuse that was happening.

He is an absolute narcissist, he only thinks of himself. Two and a half years ago when my husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer with between 6 and 12 months to live, I asked for support to pay off our mortgage until my husband's superannuation came through. There was no chance that he would lose his money, we just needed it to tie us over until his superannuation was released. My father's response was that he would not give us the full amount we asked for because he would lose interest on his investments. He would only give us a little at a time. Thank goodness in the end we did not need to rely on him. My blood boils when I think of his selfishness.

After seeing my T tonight I am trying to focus on the fact that I am my own rock, he was never my rock or support,

 

[purple butterfly]

I am feeling very alone at the moment, a bit sorry for myself and I know I need to snap out of it. As I have said before my three adult children are very supportive but I have given up the thought of trying to explain to others what is going on with me, it only results in blank stares and a quick shift of conversation. My children have issues that they are dealing with as a result of trauma from their father so I need to be able to support them and not overload them with my problems.

I am just starting to learn about nuturing my inner child.

Last weekend my inner child was feeling very abandoned,sad and lonely and I spent lots of time huddled in my bed wrapped up tight. I felt like I needed someone to hug me tight. I told my T that I was on the verge of asking one of my sons to hold me. He said that it is not appropriate to ask my children to act as parents to my inner child that I need to be the person doing the nuturing.

This seemed to make me feel worse realising that I have no one that I can really rely on for support no partner, parents, siblings or friends that understand. Some of my trauma relates to caring for my alcoholic husband and narcisstic father with absolutely no regard for my needs. I stayed with my husband for fear of being alone. One of my key issues is abandonment so at the moment I am feeling that I cared for my father and husband with great damage to myself but now I have no one to care and support me.

Any suggestions on caring for my inner child and doing this journey without a lot of close family and friends support would be really helpful.

 

[Froggie]

Any suggestions on caring for my inner child and doing this journey without a lot of close family and friends support would be really helpful.

When I was at that stage, I had to contact the adult and parent part of me and get to know them well. I had to determine what was really their role and responsability as an adult and a parent. Then and only then, was I able to confort my inner child and guide this inner child to be just that ... a child. There are still times this child part of me takes on the responsabilities of a parent or adult, so I have to constantly be conscious of what is going on. Hope this helps a bit ((((purple butterfly))))

 

[anthony]

This seemed to make me feel worse realising that I have no one that I can really rely on for support no partner, parents, siblings or friends that understand.

Yer you do... two of us only a 30 minute drive away, or a phone call if you want to chat, coffee, etc...

 

[purple butterfly]

Thank you so much Anthony I can't tell you how much that support means to me.

Thank you Froggie I am going to investigate that idea some more.

 

[Addy]

I admire you both. I'm confused about my parents, especially my mother. They're the reason I attempeted suicide 3 times when I was a teenager, and things haven't changed much since then. At the same time I do and don't want to distance from them. I want to both forgive my mother and punish her. What does it take to move away from abusive parent? I feel I would be ashamed if I did it, also I believe she did the best she could at that time, if she knew better she would have done it better. I don't think I'll find peace until I can solve this dilema, but don't know how to do it.

I can relate to your feelings. I am VERY confused about the relationships in my family. My father was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to me, and my brother was physically abusive. All the while my mother did nothing. I have to believe that she knew what was going on. On the one hand I want to be angry at her, and on the other hand I want to hold on to my relationship with her. I have no other family (single, no aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, etc... NO ONE) and the very thought of losing my Mom, despite all the hurt, is tormenting me now. It really eats me up some time. Please know you are not alone with this struggle. Good luck.

 

[shell]

I told my T that I was on the verge of asking one of my sons to hold me. He said that it is not appropriate to ask my children to act as parents to my inner child that I need to be the person doing the nuturing.
Any suggestions on caring for my inner child and doing this journey without a lot of close family and friends support would be really helpful.

As I have no support, I have found writing as if I am telling someone helps me feel a little better, I know it's only for me but sometimes its just enough to acknowledge that feeling, that makes it easier to bear. I then try to think of three things I have to be grateful for.

 

[purple butterfly]

I agree shell
I journal constantly and it seems to help me process what is going on. I have been trying to really listen to my body and what I and my inner child need. This is a new experience for me because like many others I don't know how to put my self first and nuture myself. It can be quite confronting at times.