Train And Suicidal Thoughts

[RosieNorth]

Every day twice a day I have to cross a busy train track in my car. Last year, while waiting for a train to pass, it came to me that a lot of abuse happened to me while a train ran by our house. It was so loud and shook our house and probably covered up a lot of noise.
Last week while waiting for the train to pass I went into a weird state and started thinking about driving in front of the train. In that state it seemed like it woudn't really hurt and nothing mattered anyways. It's now got me kind of worried although I don't think I'd do it but it's pretty scarey.

 

[Kintsugi]

Is there any other way you can get to where you need to go? It sounds like this is some serious business if you went into some sort of trance or dissociative state?

A train went by the house in which most of my abuse occurred as well. Sometimes at night it gives me the chills to hear it run past.

 

[Reclusive]

That does sound really scary. And like Miss said, I would monitor that really closely, especially if you're dissociating or anything like that at the same time. Avoiding train tracks sounds like a really good idea, too!

 

[Tinyflame]

RosieNorth, I've had that (situationally- I'd almost consider it a trigger combined with an 'opportunistic negative thought', that is/ was in the back of my mind), but also last year I had what you speak of 'dissociatively'- I have no idea 'what' it was, just that while those thoughts were occurring I couldn't remember anything else (I do mean anything- no memories- nothing).

And at it's worst it 'extrapolated'- trains, balconies, rivers, etc (!:()

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise to realize it, Iit may help to redouble your efforts (now) to make a Crisis Plan, etc, while you are not in that frame of mind.

Also what I find helps is to learn to become more self-aware of your feelings, physical state etc, in advance- I think for myself I had no recognition of that so it seemed to 'come out of the blue' (but that wasn't really the case).

(((((Hugs)))) to you, and good you had the courage to say something.

 

[freakofnurture]

The subway rolling in sometimes gives me the urge to jump in front of it. Sometimes I feel that I'm vulnerable to that a while in advance. I manage myself by either standing behind a pillar while waiting or - if the urge comes on suddenly - I turn my back to the tracks immediately and cross my arms while thinking about what I usually live for until I hear the subway stop. I don't think about this saving reaction, I just do it.

If you can't take a route avoiding the tracks, maybe try to practice a routine of stopping the motor, pulling the keys and putting them into the glove compartment/the backseat/under your foot/in your handbag/... Maybe lock the doors from the inside. Then do something that helps you to relax while staying present in the situation. Put on positive music, think kind thoughts about yourself, give yourself a neck massage, eat a yummy chocolate...

Practice your car disarming routine even when you don't have urges so that you can do it automatically when you're in a dangerous place. The being kind to yourself serves to take the edge off the situation.

When you are in a bad place, try to sit on your hands and count backwards from 100 in steps of 7, say a poem or prayer, think of your loved ones, think about the good times that you'll lose by killing yourself, whatever helps you to keep yourself seated there, unmoving and safe.

'Staying put' saved my life numerous times already.

Take care of yourself :) You can do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I tried to avoid the river, not look at it if not possible.

 

[RosieNorth]

Thankyou everybody for your kind and caring replies, and good ideas.
There is one thing about this railway crossing that makes it almost impossible to drive in front of the train...there is so much traffic backed up during rush hour that one would have to drive over cars to reach the track.
I was thinking of telling my therapist about this but I'm worried there might be consequences. Has anybody else told a therapist about suicidal thoughts and maybe something happened like getting locked up in a psyciatric ward or something?
Most of the time I don't want to kill myself but sometimes I dissociate and go back to another time when I did want to die and usually I know that it will pass but that train incident really freaked me out.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just think what impact on others it might have to see (that), or what if someone tried to help and got injured or killed, instead? People with a family.
What if a child witnessed it?
Try to stop, and think.
((((Rosie))))

 

[freakofnurture]

Has anybody else told a therapist about suicidal thoughts and maybe something happened like getting locked up in a psyciatric ward or something?

You can talk about these thoughts freely. As long as you deny having them right now while you are talking, and as long as you promise to get help when the thoughts return, your T has no right whatsoever to admit you to hospital.

 

[kimba]

Hi RosieNorth,
Something similar happened to me last weekend at the river. I told my T because I was confused by it and we will talk about it tomorrow AM. I think you should talk to T so you can find ways to keep yourself safe and be able to stop the thoughts when they start. I am not suicidal either and wasn't at the moment, but once the thought is out there....

 

[mamachick]

I was thinking of telling my therapist about this but I'm worried there might be consequences. Has anybody else told a therapist about suicidal thoughts and maybe something happened like getting locked up in a psyciatric ward or something?

I am glad that you are considering talking to your therapist about it. I also think that you should. The thought of suicide has crossed just about everyones mind at some point during life. Sounds like list week-the thought crossed your mind. You did not do it and you are talking about it here-very good sign. This is a good place, but your therapist really needs to know this in order to help you. T can help you explore what this is all about. Hospitalization is only necessary if you are currently a threat to yourself or another.
Im no expert on this and am continuing to learn-but it sounds like the train is a trigger that led to a flashback (feeling helpless, despair, hopeless, etc)
I did not know I had flashbacks until hearing Anthony say-they are emotional flashbacks. It takes me to another place in time emotionally.

 

[freakofnurture]

I was thinking of telling my therapist about this but I'm worried there might be consequences.

See my previous post in this thread :)