Cannot Deal With My Mother

[Sethe]

I'm definitely going to bring this up when I meet with my T again. I have in the past, but I think I need more help with it now.

I can NOT deal with my mother. When she calls, I start to freak out. I become anxious, defensive, angry and feel as if I am losing my mind. I do not feel in control. I do not feel safe.

I want to scream, break things, and yell at her and go crazy.

I cannot focus.

In the past, I was in so much denial that I did not get very upset when she called.

I welcomed it and now that makes me sick.

She was my only friend. I think she made sure of that so that I'd 'need' her.

Since I have been working with my T, this side of me has slowly unraveled and I've been learning better ways to put more distance between us. I think it's part of my Inner Child that is still angry with her for forcing us to live with my violent raging father.

I do not know how to deal with it.

I am not at the point to cut off all ties with them. I don't think I can do that and that really bothers me. Part of me is afraid to stand up to her and yet, I'll curse around her all the time (mainly to be disrespectful).

It's almost as if I am afraid to be an adult around her.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle this shit? I just want to find some peace and I don't want to start smoking or worse.

I need to deal with it soon because if I don't, then they'll 'stop by' just to 'make sure I'm ok.' :(

Keep in mind that they live over 80 miles away.

 

[Nicolette]

Sethe I could write a lot here but it would be just echoing what I have written over this forum............

You come first, unhealthy relationships are bad and not wanting to cut ties can still be due to fear or being alone if you were programmed to be her only friend and 'need her'.

To cut a long story short, and a lot of advice into one sentence, I would say you need to work on cutting ties if you want find peace........... it will take time, took me years but the peace is heaven. If someone truly 'loved' you then you wouldn't feel like you do. How far away they live has nothing to do with it as my parents lived over 5 hours drive away.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I went no contact with my mother 8 months ago. Best move I made in my recovery. Every time I talked to her, my record player turned on. What is wrong with me? Why am I so awful? I am just like her! I hurt people! I am bad! I even have urges to injure myself when she makes contact (or even thinking about making contact with her), even though I don't self harm. A relationship with her damages me, it slows or stops my healing. And I don't have to. Lots of people go NC with their mothers for less reasons I have. No one owes a relationship to a person who hurts them, no matter what their original relationship was.

It sounds drastic, but it is saving my life. I sent her an email that said I was working on childhood abuse issues and not to contact me as I need space to heal. She has, several times, contacted me. I have plugged the holes, even going as far as making a second facebook page and adding everyone who knows her there instead of my main one. This way I can keep in contact with them, but control the info she can get (she goes around snooping and asking people for info). I have blocked her number. I have blocked her email. If she showed up at my house, I would call 911. If she lived near by, I would apply for a restraining order if she didn't follow my requests.

My recovery is everything to me...and to my kids. I am doing what I have to.

 

[Kim]

Sethe,

I walked away from my family 22 years ago. It was the only way I could put an end to the way my mother treated me. I couldn't be what she wanted me to be and I was damned if I was going to live my life to please her. It wasn't an easy decision to make but one that was necessary for the sake of my sanity. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I don't have to think about living up to her unrealistic expectations any more. I don't second guess everything I say, think and do like I used to when she was in my life.

I am now 52 years old and am just now being diagnosed with PTSD due to the way she treated me. I've been in and out of counseling many times over the past 22 years but was always misdiagnosed. I've finally found a therapist who "gets it" and with any luck I'm on the road to healing. It's time you start thinking about what's "healthy" for you and stop worrying about what your mother has to say about it.

When the time is right you'll make the right decision.

 

[Nicolette]

Something to think about..... [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/mothers-versus-female-parent.18397/[/DLMURL]

 

[Abrasky]

It sounds like because you haven't mentioned exactly what you mother did to you, that you and your inner child might not fully understand what exactly it is your mother does?Does that sound sort of right or not?

If it is, it may need to be a process of continuing with councelling to get strong enough to understand what she does. What my mother did to me was so traumatic, it took me years to rememember how I felt at the time she did it too me. Then I still didn't really understand what she did so it took my therapist to put words to define it. She defined it, I released a lot of pain, and then and only then was I able to cut ties with my mother.

I think it is possible to both love someone and love yourself by cutting ties so they don't hurt you anymore.

Cutting ties is easier if you define what the abuse is and deal with your own grief first in my experience. I couldn't understand what my mother did to me because emotional abuse can be so variable and undefined unlike physical abuse in my opinion only. Not understanding or believing that she abused me is why I couldn't cut ties. Why my mother did what she did more defined what she did through her actions I think. It was selfish acting out of her own mother's violence. She seflishly continued the violence onto another generation.

I think I just realised in the end that she almost killed me once with her emotional abuse which always combined with dad's violence like they were a partnership on it. So it was best thing for my community for me just to save myself. It is not good to keep on dying inside to save my mother. I get to live now at 32.

 

[Sethe]

It sounds like because you haven't mentioned exactly what you mother did to you, that you and your inner child might not fully understand what exactly it is your mother does?Does that sound sort of right or not?

My mother supported my extremely violent and destructive father (think furniture-breaking), while vilifying him and haranguing him for being mentally ill. Anytime I showed the slightest emotion that reminded her of him she condemned me to be just as sick and ill as he was. She never hit me physically.

Yes, I think part of me has no idea what a mother is supposed to be like. I'm not sure she does either.

I feel horribly guilty writing this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sethe,

This stew of uncomfortable feelings when she calls may be a sign you are getting healthier because your tolerance for her inappropriate behavior is going down.

It sounds like It could be resetting your baseline boundary. I remember this all too well with my dad over the years.

But you'll begin pairing more assertive responses to these feelings because those uncomfortable feelings are triggering your self-preservation instincts....which will give you the strength to act on defending your boundaries.

This feels bad....but it sounds like you are doing GREAT.

Perhaps you could pick and practice the most needed response to her before the next call? Something like 'If you say something unkind, I'm going to hang up.'

 

[Sethe]

You know, that's what my T said today Bloom. She said I'm processing things I just couldn't deal with in the past.

Thanks Bloom. It helps to know I'm not alone and not 'bad.'

Ha! I've tried talking with her, but I think she's not quite developed certain appropriate adult emotional responses. When I brought up the abuse, I was supposed to 'forgive' and let things go because it happened so long ago. She's always sounded surprised that I'm 'still thinking about it.' :O_o: She does not understand that I do not want to listen to a lunatic rant for two hours about the evils of the world and how stupid and common people are. :confused:

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post directly preceding>

 

[Kim]

(((((((Sethe))))))))

Some times words hurt more than the physical pain you would have felt if she had abused you physically. I can relate to what you went through. My father wasn't violent or mentally ill (that I know of) but he did commit suicide when I was 3. My mother would tell me horrible things about him and would end her tirade by telling me that I was "just like him". When she remarried my step father would condone her abuse of me with his silence and by not wanting anything to do with me. She also made him the one responsible for doling out my punishments. Yes I was slapped and spanked but far from being physically abused.

You have no reason for feeling guilty or ashamed. Your mother was the one who chose to treat you the way she did. You didn't ask for her to do so. There should be no guilt in admitting what someone did to you. You are a victim.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It took a lot of courage to admit what you just did. You will find that many here have and do suffer as we do.

 

[Sethe]

I'm sorry about your father Kim and the things your mother said about you.

That wasn't very nice of her.

 

[Kim]

Thank you Sethe.

No it wasn't nice of her but it was a long time ago. I'm now 52 and I was finally diagnosed about a month ago. Hopefully I'm finally headed down the right road and for now that's all that matters.

I will admit that sometimes I wonder if she drove him to it. If she could treat her own daughter the way she treated me, what was she capable of doing to him?