Suffering Extreme Emotions

[goingonhope]

Now, about your husband. Have you previously spoke to him about his style of communication? Not argued, but sat down and had a good heart to heart about it? This only works if neither are angry. If you have what was the result? How did your talk go? Also, why are you responsible for "saving" your husband from the childs nagging? Is this a common pattern? Are you the "strong" one or responsible one in this relationship?

I'm asking this to get a better picture of what is taking place right now.

Bec

P.S. *hugs* I think you need that...

bec, Him and I, I belive, are both the strong, responsible ones in our relationship? But in ways which are worlds apart. And even though I now see this, it's hard for me to determine or yet state what exactly is his strengths and what are mine, but please no one misunderstand me, he is one very strong man perhaps too strong for his own good sometimes, bc virtually everything he truly feels and thinks he deals with exclusively by himself. It's as though he doesn't see it proper to make himself vulnerable and open up, or perhaps he just doesn't have a clue as to how or why too. Or perhaps when and if he does he confronted with a problem. I don't know. He's told me and I've seen it, he's said he feels as if he's to experience joy, grief, love other feelings ect. he feels as if he's faking these emotions, as if they're there only bc he wants to experience them, but that there not really there. I don't know, what's up.

As far as sitting down and talking with him about his comm. style there are many obstacles. He works extremely hard and finds himself wiped, he busy's himself at times unneccassarily so. He likes to tackle jobs, get them done but doesn't want to talk about them. I think he might feel frustrated and inadequate when talking about coping skills, recovery, principles and other things he finds himself less than an expert at. It all just steals from the precious little time he has. He likes to do, and not bother himself with too much talk or listening or feeling. Now I've turned around and pointed out perhaps a weakness, well to hell with that bc despite this he is quite responsible, and though it pains me to say this probably far more responsible than I could ever be in many ways.

Also, bec I'll have to try this when we're not angry but, for quite sometime now one of us is always angry. So the times not right yet.

As far as saving him from son's nagging, husb. believes that we're each suppose to be responsible to step in and help the other when either one of us are in need, and the other is available. The problem arises when both of us are simultaneously in need, the kids are in need and no one is available, or has the energy reserves to want to help. Another most definate problem is mind-reading, none of us yet that I know have this true ability, and as with the case the other night, he thought I knew what was occurring, and rather than find out, ask and trust he just believed what he perceived and to hell with reality. I hadn't a clue, and had I, I may have still disappointed him in that I didn't do it quick enough or the right way.

bec, it's not a common pattern of my husb. to demand I step in and help, he does his share and sometimes far more, but does it all resentfully, sometimes feeling I don't do enough, which I know without any doubt is plain BS, I work damn hard for long stretches, but then I need to collapse, only there's no time around to collapse. Husb. and I don't allow it for ourselves or each other, we tend to swing from overmanaging things to no structure whatsoever.

Thanks for the hugs bec, I needed that and here's a *hug* back for you too.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Damn, Hope. Sounds like a good old fasioned "tension" headache. You get muscles spasms there and they won't last a long time but they hurt like they devil when they do it, used to drop me to my knees where I stood, the other sypmtoms sound like a panic attack quickly ensued.

Hope keep getting this out of you and if possible talk to hubs. You holding all this in is what is causing that pain and those reactions. Realize you are not being forced to make a decision that is wrong or right when you are faced with some choice. You make a choice at that moment for what is best for you and have faith in yourself. Remember no wrong or rights... You are tearing yourself apart with it right now.

 

[goingonhope]

Exhausted, but feeling better...thinking clearer

Realize now that when I'm at my worst I'm rendered practically speechless.

As the day comes close to an end realizing how much you'all and this forum are helping me through what I've been going through. Have an inclination for the moment that what I've been feeling and even those thoughts of mine for solutions to it all, is not unique, not shameful, not failure...but rather shared experiences, and in it all somewhere is success. I mean my god, to have lived through what we have survived and then re-live it again and again...over and over, before we heal, we must be some really strong people. People to be proud of, and I for the moment, think and feel almost like a hero for cryin'out'loud, just for surviving so much lately.

So very appreciative for you'all for encouraging me to get it out, bc quite honestly most, if not all my life, I was unable, and sometimes unwilling to get anything out. Chiefly too bc who? Who you suppose to tell anything too? Always felt frustrated with the, "talk to someone suggestion," never for the life of me could I figure this one out. Who?

Well, thinking tonight that whereas I'm not speechless, and I'm not imprisoned within self, for the time, with all that Fear, that perhaps this is a reprieve or improvement. Now if only I will accept that today's no show's...and to make it worse no calls even...are o.k. given my reality. That I have nothing there either to be ashamed of. As I must say, if honest, that I'm certain that I did my VERY BEST today. I did it painfully slow, but I'm certain I did my best, and didn't hurt anyone. Still hurting myself with cigg's, as last month I had relapse there, but where's there is still life there is always hope.

Hey, and I Think I'll stop procrastinating and return to my devotion and place of faith and worship, as I've been not following through and living up to my expectations for myself in this area, of my life.

Sleep for all of us tonight' huh!

Thank you God!
Though I've found myself at some very dark times in relapse and having regressed in my spiritual beliefs, afraid and angry with God and later rejecting him, he understands all this and can and will forgive me.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Now you are talking Hope! You have done great and you are getting it out! Bravo.

 

[goingonhope]

...the other sypmtoms sound like a panic attack quickly ensued.

Hope keep getting this out of you and if possible talk to hubs. You holding all this in is what is causing that pain and those reactions. Realize you are not being forced to make a decision that is wrong or right when you are faced with some choice.

yeh, probably that a panic attack...nothing to be ashamed of. I forget that I use to have these daily when I was triggered every few minutes or hrs. and didn't have a clue as to what was happening with and to me. Those are some of the most frightening times of my life bc all I could see at the time for solutions was self-punishement, unmercifully tearing myself apart, and reg. self-destructive habits and behaviors. Only relief I could find at this time was seeking and finding abuse. I remember craving to be punched in the stomach just to take away a gnawing pain, and I remember somewhat daydreaming and welcoming someone to come along and re-enact abuse that I might once again feel connected to my true self. Very scary thoughts and some actions. Glad this is a thing of the past. Panic attacks, and the rest, well so long as I know that I'm not uniquely the only one suffering and that I can have them hopefully in and in close proximity to home, and most importantly that one day they'll end and this almost invitational re-occurance of panic attacks and god knows what else to follow, all will end and serve a purpose of confronting, feeling, healing, re-evaluating and growing beyond my traumas, ...well then perhaps I can and should do this, no matter the embarrassement. Before finding help and discussing any of this I use to avoid many of my symptoms by avoiding my reality and masking it with denial, resentment, blame, fits of anger, irritability, general sense of hopelessness and that the world sucked, most people sucked and were clueless, and that whole faulty general sucky attitude of mine was people's fault, if only they were different...and on and on, and I'd struggle like hell to distract myself this. I've resorted to hrs. upon hrs. of complusive interactive comp. game play ect. and other stuff and all of which I had lost control of in some trance like state of mind....all just to run from and escape what's been buried alive in me, my trauma.

Veiled, thanks for your suggestions earlier in the thread too, I've been thinking and hoping that I should strive to routinely work them into my days. Self-care use to come so natural to me, in my adult yrs. it has been most challening. I've known how to drink, generally do know how to think, I know how to work like hell and get the job done, I know how to spend money, eat when a meals put in front of me, neglect myself and/or punish myself, but it's some of these very basic, simple other things I've found most challenging.

 

[goingonhope]

Wow, it happened again, just as I finished posting I saw you'd posted again veiled. Wow, your words are like magic to me right now, another words Very Encouraging! Awesome, and thx. :kiss:

 

[Deleted member 93]

I am glad :) I am going to come back to your last post but since I have splept about 2 out of the last 48 hours I am going to try to go lay down... You know you don't sleep much when hubs says good night... I will see you tomorrow. Maybe if I hit him while still awake I can talk him into getting this kink out of my neck! Insomnia blows...

 

[Marlene]

As far as saving him from son's nagging, husb. believes that we're each suppose to be responsible to step in and help the other when either one of us are in need, and the other is available.

Hope,

First off...((((BIG HUGS)))) Sometimes your symptoms just get so overwhelming that you find yourself turning circles not knowing if you're coming or going. And from reading other's posts...I think we've all been there.

What you said about your husband expecting you to know what he needs and to 'step in' right away. I used to expect my husband to know what I needed and jump right up and help (be it kids, housework, laundry, etc.). We had some pretty nasty fights about him not 'being there' for me. One day he just looked at me and told me he couldn't read my mind and if I wanted/needed something that all I had to do was ask and he'd be there...but I couldn't expect it without me asking. I hadn't even realized that I was asking him to read my mind.

Maybe in one of those non-angry moments becvan spoke of you could tell him that when he needs your help, all he has to do is ask. Might be hard for him to ask (guy thing)-but maybe a code word could be worked out that means 'I need you'.

 

[goingonhope]

Want and Need to Remember:

I was asked why I keep looking for her acknowledgment of the abuse I suffered at her hands, when I know that I will never recieve it. Why was I punishing myself?

You know, that's it too. Punishment. In order for my mother to acknowledge that she abused me, that means she has to acknowldege it herself, to herself. She is incapable of it. She has issues as does yours. So continually seeking acceptance and acknowledgement was just punishing myself. I could not and will not get it because she is incapable of doing so.

You are not at fault.

I do ask that you think about this.
Bec

Couldn't respond to this any sooner as my mind was jammed packed full with 'state of the art' confusion, with emotions greatly in charge. ...but thank you, bec.


I have been punishing myself with this for many yrs., only briefly realizing that she's never going to acknowl. her abuse. But, always later thinking, well, perhaps it will be different this time...or with this happening (her near death in 2004), maybe she will now. Or, with all the help I've offered her, and with allowing her into her grandchildrn's life, maybe she'll appreciate it, know I have and want to love her, and knowing full well she doesn't deserve any of this...and perhaps will forgive me, acknowl. her abuse and apologize. Apparently, I had believed that she was intent. withholding acknowl. of it all so as to drive me insane and punish me for adding to her burdens by not pleasing and self-satisfying her, throughout her life.

What a sickening recall of the extreme self-centerdness and pathol. insec. which she exhibted, day in and day out, with at least 2 of the 3 of us girls. This I found most frustrating! Everything had to do with her, every statement was suppose to have been a dig, or an attack on her. It's true I did have resentment toward her and all, and she me, but far from every word, or movement or action reflected this as she was so determined it did.

I've been believing far too many misbeliefs and lies. Just one being that she is capable of seeing and acknow. abuse. She's Not! She's very mentally disturbed. It's not my fault! I didn't cause her mental illness, I can't control her mental illness and I could never cure her mental illness. Perhaps, she's not a monster after all', though I still have images of her being one. And, in no way am I suggesting that I'm blindly gonna' forget what I've learned again and allow her in to impose even greater dysfunction to our family and I. Mentally ill or not, there is really absolutely NOTHING about her that I like...I use to, just out of the womb, but not anymore! In all of this though, I do love her, and it hurts me when she suffers, bc she has suffered so much. But, the lie was that all her suffering was all my fault.

I remember when I was about 11 yrs. old, she went through a long spell of suffering enormous physical Pain. I can see her in my minds eye, she was 37 yrs. old, but crunched over forward, holding her stomach, screaming out and sobbing, "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I can't stand this f'king pain. It's killing me! I wish I'd die! Please god, kill me and get it the fk over. Kill me! Please someone won't you have mercy. I wish I was dead!" I remember being home alone with her much of this time while she was suffering. She'd often take soak in the bathtub for hours.....Screaming and Crying! I remember I went in there a few times, and it was too too painful to watch. I tried to say something that would help, and believed I failed. I believed I should have been able to sit beside the bathtub, take her hand in mine and hold it, somehow to comfort her and I was too scared. To scared she'd turn on me, and too scared of her naked body. Whew! I remember lying to myself then about how awful, awful I was that I did not try harder to comfort her, or succeed. Where is this all coming from? Well anyhow, over time it was discovered that she had a gall bladder problem, or kidney, but not until after her boyfriend and her doctor, told her it was all in her head and that she was severely depressed and to seek mental health. She was hospitalized and her 'darling boyfriend illegally signed medical papers as her husb. so that she might receive electric shock treatments...and she did!

I could generally always see her boyfriend's selfish, manip. and ill motives in most everything he did, during those yrs. I tried to tell her at times, she'd hear and believe nothing of the sort. So I guess it's not my fault that I couldn't protect her from him either, bc I also deeply blamed myself, and felt responsible to accomplish this.

 

[becvan]

Excellent Hope. You are starting to look at this rationally instead of emotionally. Amazing how much we hold ourselves accountable for things we have no control or say over isn't it?

Well done, keep looking at this issue, don't stop now. You will find there is so much more that you are hanging over your own head surrounding this. It still suprises me sometimes, as I'll catch myself doing this..

This is programming for our childhood you know. Something driven into our heads that we then accept as reality but it's not.. Very well done.. keep going.. your starting to let it out..

Bec

 

[becvan]

IMHO, he sometimes falls oblivious to his irrationality, painful negativity and unreasonable insensitivity, his style of comm. almost always triggers me and results in extreme emotion within me.


...and the fear and fury that my husb. has power to provoke in me with his sudden outbursts of unreasonableness, anger towards me and withheld affection renders me temporarily 100% debilitated with emotion and PTSD symptoms.

Okay Hope, I'm gonna poke ya a bit here..

I realize you are not saying this is all the time but.... Your words are "almost always triggers" and "results in extreme emotion" also, you say "renders me temporaily 100% diblitated".... See these words are key words. They describe the issue at hand. The issue is this: these behaviours increase your PTSD symptoms. These behaviours have to change in order for you to have a healthy relationship. Has your husband read the guide for sufferers in the spouse section yet? I would suggest that you print it off and make sure he reads it.. then sit down and discuss these behaviours (not him, but his behaviours.. how he reacts) and what the does to you. Discuss different ways of communicating or behaving in these moments.

Do not attempt to ply me with "well he doesn't do it often" or "it was just an over-reaction" or anything else. I won't bite and I know better. I'm not saying you have an unhealthy relationship, only that this aspect of your relationship is unhealthy and healing takes two in a relationship.

I warned ya I was going to poke..

Bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hope, by the time I was gathered enough to get back to this you did a great job already pulling it apart yourself along with Bec. You are doing a great job right now and I know it hurts. But again you are getting somewhere and doing great! Keep up the good work.