I Don't Think I Should Be Here Anymore

[Amadicia]

I really feel like this world is trying to reject me. It never gets better, ever.
I remember years ago after picking myself out of this dark black whole listening to a song 'Ooo ooo child' by the five stair steps. I was sming and hopeful. I told myself THIS is where I'm going. It will get better.
For the 100th time I was wrong. The fake hope, almost making it. It not like that this time.

I have not put myself to sleep yet because I don't have a safe way to leave where I know my eldest and partner will be safe. I cannot leave them alone but everyday I die a little more. I honestly don't see the point.

After leaving my abusive ex and running with my kisd. After starting new: a new job, new schools, new friends, new city. Starting therapy and building new supports/family structures (again!). For the 4th time in my life starting from scratch alone and bruised. I get raped and my ex kidnaps my youngest daughter! In under a year! Just when everything was starting to work out...

Everytime I try to survive on nothing but hope and strength things get worse. The trama is worse and compressed. I would give anything now to just get beat up every night by a cokes out drunk... As long as I could hold my babies and not have the flash backs of a stranger infiltrating my body. I keep leaving one hell for another deeper hell. Dante eat your heart out.

The doctors are useless and due to my past will not give me meds. Probably for the best, I'd use them. I can't get a proper sleep, ever. When I do sleep I dream of my youngest as she disappears from my arms and then I'm alone in the woods and he's there watching me, smiling. Or other dreams where I wake up crying/sweating/fighting. It been that way for years. I call it 'insomnia'. So I just avoid it.

I just want it over but I can't hurt my eldest or my partner. I love them. So for them I will be the walking dead. Hopefully they will get sick of me soon and I can finish this once and for all.

 

[blueangel371115]

Don't give up. Stay here at least. People will listen, people care.

 

[Amadicia]

Thanks BlueAngel... I'm honestly trying as hard as I can.

 

[kimba]

Had an incredibly depressing weekend and was in a bad place when I saw my T on Tuesday. I too feel like I am slowly dying anyway a piece at a time. What the difference a day can make! Please take everything a day at a time, the good with the bad and we'll get through it.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Amadicia,

That is a beautiful name! Does it mean anything specific?

From your post it sounds like you need some help. You have definitely been through a lot and I doubt anything I say will make any of the experiences undone. I am glad that you have a partner and child whom you love.

Not being able to sleep is extremely difficult. I know that from experience. Can you try Benadryl or another antihistamine over the counter or something to get some rest? After some sleep, you might have some more energy to look at the next step.

Have you found a new therapist? I know how hard that is. I'm on my 24th therapist in 6 1/2 years. I had given up hope numerous times before, but for some reason I found the perfect match this time.

I like Kimba's idea about taking everything day by day. I use that often when I am in a particularly bad place. Can you think of something that you enjoy that you can easily do each day (e.g. a warm bath, asking your partner for a massage, a walk with your partner or your eldest, etc...)?

Can you talk to your partner and brainstorm ideas that you would find helpful?

Of course posting on here is always an option or sending a private message to someone you trust...

Take care!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Amadicia)))
My heart goes out to you!! Many times I have felt the same way! Please don't give up! No matter what, you are a parent, and you have a partner! Someone to live for, even if you can't live for yourself...YET! You are here for a reason, you just can't see it right now. The darkness will lift...please take things one day at a time, or one minute at a time. We never know when something good is going to come around the corner!
My prayers and thoughts are with you!
AKJ

 

[AngelaMarie]

Hold On!!! I have had such bleak, horrible times that lasted for ages it seemed. There are peaks of better in the midst of it. The people in your life will not get tired of you and not want you around anymore. Please try to find a way to have a little happiness...something you enjoy a little. It will help.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now and it's seems like things aren't getting better. I have had to start alone and over many many times, possibly the last one being the most frightening as it really caught my attention that something more very serious was going on that needed addressing and I needed additional help with.

It sounds like you've been through a lot in the past, through a lot of traumatic relationships. I believe that if we don't seek the proper help for ourselves then we are bound to repeat them. I understand feeling exhausted and hopeless about it but there is help and there are answers and you are in the right place to get some information and understanding. You can always go back but you may not make here again due to the violent nature of the abusers. As a Survivor, aren't you worth more than that??

You've gotten this far.
Peace and hope,
Rain

 

[Lionheart]

So for them I will be the walking dead.

(((Amadicia)))

I was once one of the "walking dead" and it never seemed to get any better. I felt like I was struggling in quick sand and time moved so slow. Many nights I actually prayed to die. Several times, I made suicide attempts as it seemed to be the only way out. I took handfuls of pills and drank a gallon of whiskey but couldn't even overdose...so I began cutting on myself with razorblades...it was a total living nightmare!!!

I came to realize that I did not want to die, I just wanted to be done with the pain and flashbacks etc. I had to have professional help, but I eventually began to heal and get better, *(even though I never really believed it would get any better, I went to therapy and took my medication anyways).

Maybe the right doctor or counselor could really help you....I know that's what it took for me and I hope you will heal and get better as I have!

 

[Shattered]

I completely understand. I'm down to my husband and disabled son for a support system. I have my therapist, too, but I pay her to support me. I'm taking it minute by minute right now. All I can think is that they would be better off with out me. My wonderful husband could find a lovely unbroken wife; he could shake off the shackles of me and my PTSD/Depression.

 

[blueangel371115]

Thanks BlueAngel... I'm honestly trying as hard as I can.

Hey, that's all anyone can ask of you. The folks here are great.

 

[ronin47]

It's so unfair, that's just the truth. Nothing you've been through is fair.

At the same time, I once heard a well-known minister say that "If your happieness is dependent on your circumstances, you'll never ben happy."

Now one could hardly expect you to be skipping down the street after all that you've been through, but to be very frank what I'm hearing in your post is, "Just as my circumstances were getting better, my circumstances got worse." You've survived to much and made it too far to give up now. You've got to understand, just trying to "be strong" isn't going to do it for you. It's not about how strong you are, it's about how many coping skills you have versus how much stress is being put on you.

I followed a similar pattern my entire life up until just a couple years ago, things would seem to be taking a turn for the better, but then I would plummet back into that dark place. That's because I was not alright on the inside, kind of like a house, it doesn't matter how pretty you make it look on the outside, if it's a mess on the inside it's no good for living in.

May I ask why you say your doctors are worthless? Have you tried seeing a psychologist?

Feel free to message me whenever you'd like, I'm always willing to talk.