Survived Deposition

[AngelKeeperJ]

You are NOT a baby! Take all the comfort you can get!! This too shall pass!!

 

[Gloria]

Saying I'm a baby is something that someone would say that hasn't experienced true PTSD. Soldier, rape victims, and everyone on this site are not being babies. This PTSD has been affecting people for centuries and only recently are we discovering therapies that help reduce the symptoms. I am ashamed I said that because my brother and sister both had severe PTSD symptoms just before they died. If you read the statistics, PTSD is a killer.

I'm sending a letter to my lawyer today about the e-mails. Annie and everyone else that commented on the lawyers stategies are right. They refuse to own any responsibility for the police beating me up and they are still trying to make me look like a liar and crazy. I told my lawyer that and he told me that he agreed.

Hope everyone is doing well??? I'm going to dinner with a friend who has lots of problems and I'm going to just listen. I'd rather listen to other people's problems than focus on my own. So free to message me or e-mail. I'm here for you.
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm going to dinner with a friend who has lots of problems and I'm going to just listen. I'd rather listen to other people's problems than focus on my own. So free to message me or e-mail. I'm here for you.

I do the same thing! Giving someone the gift of listening can be fulfilling, and as you said, it keeps you focused on someone else for awhile. Helps me!

Have a blessed evening, and Sunday!

AKJ

 

[Srain]

Gloria, I hope you are taking good care of yourself. You are one tough gf ;)

I know this is long rough road and it feels lonely at times but you know the saying, "if I don't fight it, who will?" So good on you, each day as it comes.

I am the only one in my family that is addressing PTSD, although my brothers could benefits highly from it. It's sad and painful to watch what happens when it's not addressed. The acceptance of doing so.

(Beautiful picture of you and your horse.)

peace and strength,
Rain

 

[Gloria]

I am the only one in my family that is addressing PTSD, although my brothers could benefits highly from it. It's sad and painful to watch what happens when it's not addressed. The acceptance of doing so.
Rain

I thought of my deceased brother and sister who didn't turned to drugs and alcohol to try to cope. Yes, we are the lucky ones. Thanks so much Rain. That's what's kept me going so far.

Big Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

After three years and so much pain and suffering, I won't give up until I am forced to. As long as my lawyer will stick to it(and I'm sure he is trying to recoup hundreds of hours spent on this case) I will stick in there. I just got an e-mail from a good friend. Her husband's company is closing in a couple months. There are no jobs. Some of my friends have given up and haven't worked for years. Then I see the starving in Somalia. It is very hard not to be depressed.

I am getting the report from the psychiatric evaluation tomorrow. I already know what it says - that I am a liar and that I wasn't traumatized. I will be surprised if it says anything different because my lawyer already warned me that the guy was a scum ball. I really opened up to him thinking he would believe me. We'll see but it will just be one more betrayal for me, the government with laws, the police, attorneys and now the doctor.

 

[Gloria]

1. I've decided not to read the psychiatric report until next Friday when my therapist gets back. I've spent the last two years working with a therapist who has convinced me that I may have an illness (ptsd) but I am a very rational person I am not crazy.Crazy is not even a medical or legal term. It's a slang term. I still don't understand how people get away with murder because they are insane??? Isn't anybody who commits murder insane? Well, all I can say is if this psychiatrist betrayed me because I was so open to him, then I really have a problem trusting the legal system.

 

[The Albatross]

Good decision Gloria..

 

[Gloria]

Well, I wasn't going to read the report but when my son handed me the huge envelope, my curiousity got the best of me. Well, my lawyer told me the truth about one thing - that this psychiatrist was a slime ball. My psychologist and I discussed the evaluation and she thought surely that if a psychiatrist tested me, he would clearly see PTSD. Not one mention of PTSD. His notes were very precise and exact about some things I told him but the hour that we spent talking about my nightmares, flashbacks and aversion to anything that had to do with the trauma were not once mentioned in the report. He discounted one of my therapist's reports because he said her handwriting was too legible and therefore she could not be a doctor!:p The last three years of seeing my current therapist was summed up in one sentence - ineffective treatment and just jargon.

He diagnnosed me as dependant personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder with some aspects of borderline thrown in. I have friends with all these disorders and except for histrionic (because I do get really triggered and over react) I don't agree. A dependant personality could not possibly manage people and work independantly, travel to Europe and all over the U.S. by hlylerself and be accused by all of my ex-husbands as being too independant. The borderline one, I went over so many times with my therapist because my ex-husband diagnosed me as that because he said I would have temper tantrums. Strangely, everyone that knows me has often remarked how I don't lose my temper. To train horses, you can never lose your temper. I'm working with abused animals here and if they sensed for a moment that I lost my temper, they would flip. They accused Princess Diane of being borderline also. Her husband was having an affair and her in-laws were not being nice to her but she was the one who was borderline.

This is about as funny as three police officers (all of whom described my attacks three different ways) said that little old me attacked them and that's why they tackled me - sitting on the ground with my back to them - all three at once.

I don't what my lawyer wants to do. It is not going to bother me any more. Our politicians in Washington are so corrupt. Now, I see the police are corrupt. But the interesting this is that these people are getting away with bloody murder and are not accountable. Yet, I read that two women wrote bad checks for under $25 and were sent to prison for five years. I did get a huge headache from reading the 15 page report and I am SOOOO tempted to look up in the DSM the criteria for these personality disorders but I won't. In ACOA, one of the descriptions is that we are individuals who are terrified of abandonment because our parents were not there for us.

The psychiatrist was trying to be kind I think because in his summary he said I was seriously ill but it was because of my tragic childhood and the assault by the police only caused me embaressment and nothing more.

I hope there is a special place in Hell for the really mean and crummy people that I've known in my life. I think Hell might be too nice a place to send these guys. Maybe their hell is on earth here when they have to look at themselves in the mirror.

The MMPI did indicate that I was an honest person but the psychiatrist dismissed this because in my deranged mind, I believed these things to be true. He says I'm completely out of touch with myself psychologically. Strangely, I've been told so many times that I am so self aware.

One of my all time favorite movies is Legally Blonde. There is a line in the movie when the main character wants to quit law school and her professor tells her something like " If you are going to let one pri&& assh**e or whatever scare you off then you are not the person I thought you were". I am not let a whole police force, a couple of slimey lawyers and one paid off psychiatrist ruin my life. That psychiatrist is paid very well. But he could be working in a free clinic and helping people and feel really good about himself. But he doesn't. He has no private practice and takes money to make false reports. What a terrible waste of an education. However, I did some research on him and he didn't study at a reputable medical school. It was somewhere in Central America where they probably just xerox the medical degrees if you sit there for three years.

I'm taking this a lot better than I thought. It's the serinity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Well, on the bright side I am not a mother in Somalia watching her children starve to death. I am very lucky to be who I am and where I am. The psychiatrist did write in his report that I did think I was more fortunate than most. My brother and sister committed suicide and others with childhoods like mine ended up in jail or addicts. By the grace of God go I.

 

[Gloria]

Its' still sinking in he about what the psychiatric report said. In a month, I will have forgotten this. I don't know what the next step is but my lawyer may ask me to sign a paper dropping the charges. I don't know.

 

[Gloria]

Final update. My lawyer called and I told them that they won. It's been three years. I can't spend another month letting this rule my life. But very strangely, this has been the focus of my attention for so long that other things took second place. Now I feel I need to make my family stronger, get out and meet people and have fun and for the very first time in my life - live a happy and normal life. This assault took place right after my sister committed suicide, my son came home from the Army permanently disabled, the economy crashed right after this happened and my ex was still able to screw with me. Well, I have come to terms with my sister's death, my son is doing well and is stable and secure living on the farm with me, I could care less if my ex lives or dies. I won't even hate him because I don't even want to think about him. I am doing everything I can to save money and survive this "recession". So this is it. I'm kind of upset with the therapist. I never wanted to file a lawsuit. My ex called the police but when he found out that there might be a lawsuit, he did things to upset me just because he thought that if I got hospitalized, I would get $1,000,000 more so at one time he actually tried to get me commit suicide. He was pushing me, taunting me and calling me a coward if I didn't do it. OMG! I am seeing so much dysfunction in this world that I just need to isolate for a while. I need to heal myself and forget this incident.

I'm blessed! I don't feel like it right now but I am.

 

[KP the nut]

I just need to isolate for a while. I need to heal myself and forget this incident.

I'm blessed! I don't feel like it right now but I am.

(((Gloria))), yes you are blessed.

Take all the time you need, work with your horses, I find animals peaceful and calming and when with them they are all I think about.

I wish you well
KP