Why I Won't Cut Myself

[Tinyflame]

I don't cut, but I have friends who do. Isn't it a little easier said than done? How do you stop yourself? I may not cut, but PTSD has lead me to other self-damaging behaviors..

I have never cut, but did self-harm, for a few years.

Yes, I found it was nearly impossible not to- unless you can equate (to yourself) at least a single moment wherein you can have enough empathy looking back at yourself during the trauma(s) -( the age you were, what you did in response, or didn't do, etc), and have the same 'empathy' towards 'yourself' ('then', looking back, except you're in the 'now') as you would have (and do) for even strangers.

I read that "Women who harm themselves.." book, and remember crying for the 1st time about one trauma, and the resulting behaviour, for the first time (it took about -idk- 8 or 10 years). I only recall it was a 'novel' idea, to me- thought I'd never treat anyone that age with the lack of 'sympathy' I had thought of myself.

I would suspect there is a continuum of self-harming and reckless/ life-threatening (or 'pain inflicting') behaviours- I don't know the answer there, except for common sense and seperating the 'intent' of the behaviour, or complicating factors (is it to 'take the pain away', or (try to) 'cope', or depression, or SI, or panic (stress), or self-hatred, or physical illness (lack of energy, not eating), etc).
If nothing else they're probably at least ~related: trying one (bad) 'coping' method, after another, to get through.
JMHO and experience, of course.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Thank you, Junebug, for your response! It makes sense. I agree that there is probably a spectrum of self-harming and reckless behaviors. There are so many things that I could see fall under that umbrella. I remember when I was around 9 and 10 that every time I left my therapist's office in downtown Munich, I would run and cross streets without looking and I did not care if a car would hit me. That clearly falls into the reckless domain, and with my history it makes sense.

What I have discovered over the past few years is that quite a few mental health workers are quick to "accuse" people of self-injurious behavior and then use that to DENY people care. In 2007, hospital "accused" me of cutting and thus deny me services. The irony of it is that it stayed with the accusation. The only cuts I have on my body are a surgical cut for an appendectomy and several in the middle of back where moles have been removed. I have scars, but also only on my back. So the logic escaped me of what they meant at the time on so many levels. In the meantime I have met plenty of people who cut or self injure. It is so obviously (to me at least) a symptom of a problem. Why would anyone or how can medical professionals use a symptom to refuse care to patient?

 

[LoyalOne]

I worked my way down from smashing dishes and slicing myself up with the shards, to picking and tearing at cuts and blisters, to just really aggressively taking care of my fingernails. I have really clean fingernails. I also found more productive ways to hurt myself, like giving blood. I am not all the way there, but at least no one is going to find me sitting in a razor sharp debris field trying to write my initials on my arm. Which is hard, btw, if one of them is S.

 

[Srain]

I was in a mental hospital having a flashback, untreated as the pdoc was not in yet to see me so they threatened to put me in 24hr isolation suicide watch :ninja:...the nurse was furious with me...I had no idea what the issue was as at that time never heard of self injury or even knew there was an name for it. I don't find it shameful, I don't find it something for people to angry about.

I have done well to understand this:

I won't cut myself anymore because I have been used and abused enough for ten people.

Thank you Lionheart :) It took me a LONG time to get that.

Yes, I found it was nearly impossible not to- unless you can equate (to yourself) at least a single moment wherein you can have enough empathy looking back at yourself during the trauma(s) -( the age you were, what you did in response, or didn't do, etc), and have the same 'empathy' towards 'yourself' ('then', looking back, except you're in the 'now') as you would have (and do) for even strangers.

...exactly, Junebug...and therein lies the problem for me. I find there are those times when I am dissociating and I am not in control. It is a process. I am getting so much better. I went years without cutting but my behaviour was oh so reckless, my eating disorders up and down, get one under control another behaviour popped up...I never quite got to the core of the problem I was so busy dealing with the drama of it all and just trying to survive.

I will try not to hurt myself but I'm already hurting enough.

Rain

 

[YoungAndScared]

I have never cut myself. I never saw it as an outlet. Now I have PTSD I fantasize about drawing large lines into my cheek and jaw. Causing long deep scars.

I want a physical manifestation of my metal state and in my fantasies I get it through this.

I wont do it simply because I am vain. I just feel that it would be a waste of my beauty and hate the fact that I would never be able to model again.

 

[LoyalOne]

Srain, I hate suicide watch. (((srain))) That's a good enough reason not to right there; hurt yourself and they strip you of whatever dignity you have left and put you in a room in a little cotton dress, with some poor kid staring at you all night with her hand on the call button. Let's all try not to get back there.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain, I understand, as far as have had the dissociation (or something?- constricted thinking/ lack of memory) combined with SI- well, at those times it was less " S'I' " and more like S-Intent because I didn't have control, either.
-xox

 

[kimba]

I'm going on a trip planned six months ago to Las Vegas. Because my cuts have been on my arms and wrists, I let them heal enough so that nobody will be looking at me funny wondering. I have cats myself and deal with cats at the shelter I volunteer at so many people have assumed they are from cats and it doesn't raise questions with people who know me. I'm not proud of this behavior but am hoping it is only a temporary coping thing and my T is aware of it as of today.

 

[Tinyflame]

dissociation.. - constricted thinking/ lack of memory..

(etc)- I'm starting to wonder if that's caused by adrenalin or sky-rocketing cotisone/ cortisol levels?

 

[YoungAndScared]

I have resolved my need for a physical manifestation. I got a tattoo to remember what happened, but in a good light, not something like a deep scar across my face.

 

[Srain]

Now I have PTSD I fantasize about drawing large lines into my cheek and jaw. Causing long deep scars.

I'm sorry you are experiencing such disturbing thoughts and that you have a therapist or clinician of some kind that is experienced with PTSD and the symptoms. I'm glad you have such resolve and are taking good care of yourself.

(etc)- I'm starting to wonder if that's caused by adrenalin or sky-rocketing cotisone/ cortisol levels?

I think that's a very good question and something I'm interested in as it's an ongoing issue for me and not seemingly a simple "do or don't" matter, much to my dismay.

they strip you of whatever dignity you have left and put you in a room in a little cotton dress, with some poor kid staring at you all night with her hand on the call button. Let's all try not to get back there.

I agree that this is so much a reason but sadly sends me more into my shell, less likely to reach out arbitrarily in many many ways. That being said...I find I AM more open to finding alternative avenues such as the help lines, here, my hunny, my tdoc - getting there -etc. and work harder to stay grounded, working through my PTSD. It's a work in progress and the best help possible is not shaming myself but understanding myself...learning that I have other options but if I stumble I can get back up, I'm not bad or wrong.

 

[LoyalOne]

That's the killer, isn't it? The first time I walked in of my own free will and asked for help, I was treated like a murderer with a contagious disease. My parents got called, I was taken out of classes and asked to sign a contract by the school agreeing I could be prosecuted if I hurt myself or anyone else, my roommates got taken away behind my back and told to report me if they ever felt unsafe. They stripped me and put me on suicide watch, and then took me by ambulance (ambulance!) to a hospital, where they were in the process of logging my possessions and admitting me to a locked ward in a johnnie when someone noticed they didn't take my insurance.

I was back in class with all my stuff within 24 hours.

Oh. I guess it is okay to hurt myself, as long as it costs less money than helping me. Of course, their version of 'help' frightened me very badly. :unsure:

That's why we need each other. Because some of us have have good therapists, and have good friends, and have good things in our lives, and we can vouch that YES, it is worth treating ourselves kindly. YES, there are kind people who will listen and help. My next therapist wanted to dopeslap the school officials for being such a pack of insensitive, alarmist clods. She was AWESOME. We have to stay focused on the fact that our goal is to treat ourselves the way we deserve, and not let the occasional idiots set us back.