Slowly Rotting

[Yellow Sun]

Terrified. All the time.

You say this, and my immediate thought is of how exhausting this might feel for you. I don't know, does it? I presume it would. I think you said you were realising how the time it took to cram your traumatizing memories back down, led to subsequent feelings of depression. I wonder if being terrified all the time also results in your periods of depression.

I was thinking about the body earlier this week; how terror (I think my experience is of various degrees of fear and anxiety, rather than terror) occupies the body - a body steeling itself against the constant threat of attack. But it's the terror itself that has now become a sustained assault on the body. For me this usually involves tightness around my forehead; a feeling of tightness around my throat, as if a hand is clamped around my neck; periodic holding of my breath - which, by the time my working day has finished, feels like I have in fact been holding my breath for the entire day; tightness around my chest; churning stomach; weakness in my legs. Quite a shopping list.

There are moments when I am less conscious of the invidual symptoms, and instead feel like my entire body has been gripped by a gigantic hand; or clenched in an oversized vise.

I can often feel like fear/anxiety claims my body. When I'm anxious it sometimes feels like my father is coursing just beneath the surface of my skin.

I feel some of these symptoms now - in the safety of my home. The symptoms are, and will, continue to dissolve throughout the course of the night/early morning (it doesn't usually feel like this by the time I return home from work). Terror's residue.

So when I was thinking about this stuff this week, it occured to me that as much as I might feel controlled and owned by fear - and angered that my body (let's not get started on what's happening mentally and emotionally) is put through this all the time, I could also feel a sense of awe (Only once the terror had dissipated I might add! ) at the resilience of the body. Its resilience being its ability to contain this trauma, and weather this storm time and time again (until such time that it finds healing). I'm not saying this is how you should feel, or that the body doesn't get sick from the impact, but rather thinking of it's resilience in the daily living with terror. Furthermore I reserve the right of retraction once sanity is restored! I guess I'm just sharing my offbeat thoughts with you, from what I hope is a respectful distance (I may need to work on that) so you don't feel totally alone as you sit on your island ;).

What you said about feeling terrified also brought something else to mind (Trust me, I can't believe I'm not done either). My recollection of a clip I came across on the internet is hazy. So unfortunately I may not be able to do justice to what I thought was a powerful analogy between a scene from one of the Halloween films (if this is triggering, I'm sorry - avoid the paragraph - I'm still learning) and the affects of abuse (in particular I think it was in reference to child abuse). The shot is of Jamie Lee Curtis, looking and behaving like a terrified woman - face drawn, eyes wide with terror, paralysed with fear etc. But to the observer - seeing only Curtis's behaviour - this just looks weird: pull yourself together, get a grip woman! Then the camera pans out, and the observer sees that there's an assailant in the room with her, wielding an axe, or some other sharp shiny object). Suddenly, it all makes sense. Curtis isn't 'a ditz' or some oddball. She has plenty reason to be terrified: the analogy being that for the adult with a traumatic history, the abuser is always in the room, wielding that axe - and therefore your terrified reaction makes perfect sense. I don't know...it just helped me to see there was a rationale for my behaviour. I'm not sure what you think.

But I'm safe at home. It's like the song 'I am a rock' by Simon and Garfunkel; "...hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me..." Except my cat, naturally.

So you have a place where you can feel safe. A place where your body can experience some degree of rest (And let's not forget you have your cat :)). So I'm also guessing this is the place where you experience "some kind of comfort"? (your womb, not the cat - obviously :rolleyes:). Where you're left alone and ignored? But this is your way of comforting yourself. And it seems to me that it's vital you receive it from somewhere. Until such time you experience the realisation that you deserve a lot more...

 

[Glass Spine]

Thank you, Yellow Sun. It is extraordinarily kind of you to take the time to write such thoughtful observations and advice. You are, I think, better at describing the symptoms of fear, terror and anxiety than I am. To do that however, would it not have brought it to the forefront of your mind, forcing you to re-experience it? I hope my ludicrous babblings haven't been the cause of such a thing.

An analogy using a horror movie is my sort of thing. I love horror films! The axe-wielder in my case is more of a shadowy emotion than any one person, although it will adopt the form of more specific abusers at times, as well as grey aliens, robots, red light and a two-dimensional cartoon man. (Although some of those could just be hallucinations. I haven't misinterpreted the analogy, but there are quite a few characters floating about around here).

It's difficult to see a body as resilient where I'm concerned; it seems such a burdensome contraption, uncomfortable, painful, etc. Affording it more respect doesn't seem to appease the capricious bastard, but I see where you're coming from. I do get awfully tired, but sleep well enough - the chronic insomnia I used to have has thankfully long abandoned me.

And while I hate speaking with people face-to-face, this forum, this type of quasi-correspondence has not yet had a negative influence on my mind or emotions. The memories have, but talking about them is supposed to help a bit, so... Well, it's not like they weren't always present anyway, whether I acknowledged them or not.

So I neither consider your post too long, or in any way irrelevant or inane, except maybe for the overabundant modesty. Thank you again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yellow Sun, I think that is so totally accurate and so true.

And wow, -think it explains a lot.
-TY- xox

 

[Tinyflame]

'Explains' as in finds 'words' and a 'meaning'.-

 

[Yellow Sun]

An analogy using a horror movie is my sort of thing. I love horror films!

No way! Now we're talking :D. I used to love horror films and books as a kid. I had to give them up after an enforced period of getting religious as a teenager. I was not a happy bunny. I don't know if I'd have the stomach for them now :unsure:.

You are, I think, better at describing the symptoms of fear, terror and anxiety than I am. To do that however, would it not have brought it to the forefront of your mind, forcing you to re-experience it?

I really beg to differ. Your description of your terror both now, and as a child/teenager was stark, powerful, moving. It was because your description was so present to me - and recognisable - that I felt compelled to share. I was in two minds as to whether I should do so. I was concerned that my insertion of my own experience of fear in my response - or responding at all - may be felt by you as a detraction from your own narrative; and the purpose of you recounting it here. If this was your experience it would be useful to know.

P.S - Ironically, in the light of the last paragraph, I've had to edit my post - as I fear the way it was left - unfinished - , and the content made, may have been inappropriate for placement in your thread . Sorry.

 

[Glass Spine]

I used to love horror films and books as a kid. I had to give them up after an enforced period of getting religious as a teenager.

I have heard and read of 'enforced religion' as you so aptly put it, but was lucky enough not to have personally experienced it. Bullying one's ideals into another's mind is cruel. My mother wasn't allowed to watch horror movies when she was young either (too morbid, she was told with disdain), but when she later re-connected with them it freed her, in a sense, from the sustained control of the ignorant personalities that had so long manipulated her. There will always be good and bad horror books and films, but their fantastical and imaginative nature allows me at least a much needed rest from reality.

I was concerned that my insertion of my own experience of fear in my response - or responding at all - may be felt by you as a detraction from your own narrative; and the purpose of you recounting it here.

Nonsense! Your eloquent insight very succinctly adds to my inefficient attempts to express my thoughts. I am grateful for it. I would be honored to correspond further, but this introduction thread - have I carried it on for too long? That's something I've been wondering, as other people seem to have moved on after theirs, and I don't know how these things work. The idea of starting a trauma diary or exposure therapy scares the livid hell out of me, but what then would be the point of my having come to this site if I were not willing do something proactive?

Err... if anyone's reading who knows more about this than I (and probably almost everyone does), I'd appreciate a paragraph or two of guidance as far as "where to go from here?" is concerned.

Incidentally, Yellow Sun, you are a joy to speak with :)

 

[sea]

Glass Spine, if you like, there is a Help Desk forum. You might ask there (by creating a thread in that section) to have this thread moved to the Trauma Diaries section. It could serve as both your introduction and the start of your trauma diary, as you have outlined some trauma and received some valuable support here, that you might not wish to lose. That is just a suggestion, I do not even know if the moderators would sanction it, but I have seen it happen several times. In any case. I am sorry for what you experienced.

The best way to begin exposure therapy is what you are comfortable with. On this site the exposure therapy guideline states to begin with a trauma timeline. This means from your youngest age until you are right now, detailing in a sequential order, the traumas you remember at each age. That is not mandatory, simply a starting point. Many people elect only to sit down and write whatever memories they feel are relevant or that come to mind, write about their flashbacks. As long as you are talking about your trauma, receiving support, learning about PTSD, you are doing it right as they say. Good luck, in any case.

 

[nyxsea]

Glass Spine,

Where to go from here? Good question, hard to answer. For everyone's path is different and unique. But, you found a place where what ever you chose to do will be right for you. The path is never easy and it's a fight we fight daily. Sometimes, I wonder what I'm fighting for..I don't have an answer but I keep on fighting the fight anyways. I am new to this forum however the reason we found this forum is food for thought. We all have a story and each of our stories are our burden. But, knowing that there are people who can be here supporting you as you go through this process is one worth exploring. Take their hands, boost yourself on their shoulders and link your arms with ours as we struggle through our lives. Knowing that you have found a like mind helps to lift just a tiny bit of the load.

Blessed Be....

 

[CraftyCath]

hello Glass Spine,

I just wanted to say 'hi' and 'welcome.'

The psychiatrists I have seen in the past knew little.

I struggled with Psychiatrists, Clinical Psychologists and counselors for over 25+ years. I cried out for help but found that they didn't understand me at all. Some were really nice but didn't know enough and others were abusive and controlling. It didn't help that I spent 20 years with a diagnosis of depression and anxiety and only 7 years ago was I diagnosed with CPTSD.

'He who would see himself clearly must open up to a confidant freely chosen and worthy of such trust.'
Paul Tourniet M.D. Swiss Psychologist and Author

I took advice from forum members and searched for a Psychotherapist with experience of Trauma. I found one locally and interviewed him over the phone. I have seen him 5 times now and he seems to be just right for me. If you choose to seek help from someone again, vet them, interview them. They are working for you and they should be up to the job.

You seem to have had some very good advice from other members. There are a lot of people with similar stories to yourself, including me. My therapist told be that as we try to deal with aspects of daily living we cannot put today's struggles into our cup of life because our cup is full of PTSD. I know Anthony has a thread on 'The PTSD Cup' that might be useful. Also, please do not be too hard on yourself, I know I can be. Our childhoods were damaged and we therefore were not taught how to 'grow up' emotionally. We were directionless, unprotected and we raised ourselves. We never stood a chance. Children who grow in a loving family, with correct discipline, teaching, guidance and nurturing grow up secure and able to handle the stresses of daily life. Those who have childhood trauma raised ourselves the best way we could in order to survive. We were not given the chance to mature emotionally at the same rate our bodies did. We are therefore playing constant 'catch-up,' baby steps, bringing together our fragmented emotions. Perhaps, in time, we will be less disjointed and more whole. In the mean time it is a journey, a process and we all need support.

Being a person necessarily implies:-
becoming a person, being in process.

If you knew me yesterday, please do not think that it is the same person you are meeting today. I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed and I am different.

Please do not give me a 'batting average,' fixed and irrevocable, because I am 'in there' constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me then with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for signs of change; for it is certain that I have changed. But even if you recognise this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am.

I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am and it is all that I have.'
John Powell (Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?)

This is my favourite quote of all time. The past leaves us vulnerable to more hurt; the changes we go through leave us vulnerable. People without PTSD, or those with no experience of it cannot understand. For them, our stories are something out of a horror film and most people would rum a mile; they would be left scared or traumatised by our stories and we are left feeling alienated. I have learned that friends and family can help in different ways. My sister takes me out for the day but we cannot discuss trauma, I can sense her backing off when I do; but she helps me in the best way she knows how. But we still need support with the traumas and how we feel day by day. This is definitely the place and, as already stated above, you are well on your way to a Trauma Diary. Perhaps you should think about it and maybe I'll pluck up the courage to do my own!!

If I have learned one thing from this forum it is this from KP: 'Be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself.'

Joy to you,

Cath

 

[Tinyflame]

I couldn't agree more with the quote or comments above.
Thank you YS for your contirbutions, and to Glass Spine, sea, nyxsea, and CraftyCath.

It's something- perspective(s)- that I for one can say helps my heart and soul. :)
xox, and my own gratitude, to all :inlove:

 

[Glass Spine]

Thank you all for your guidance, support and time.
As I'm here, it seems best that I give it a proper try. I don't learn much within my usually stagnant inactivity.

Junebug, your supportive presence is appreciated. Much gratitude to you.

sea, that sounds like a good way to do it. I read the information thread about exposure therapy, and it said to start with the worst memory you have. Sounds brutal, but it makes some type of sense too. I'm guessing you can do it either way? Thank you for the info, and good luck to you too.

nyxsea, you put that very nicely. You make alot of sense.

CraftyCath, thank you for the encouragement. 25+ years looking for a good therapist! I don't initiate contact with practically anyone, unless my hand is forced. Obviously coming to this site is an exception. You are strong to have kept going after being let down. I was once taken to a support group for people with 'social problems'. Unlike the agoraphobic's meeting where no one shows up, everyone showed up, chatted amiably and had a great time. Except for me. I sat in the corner, said nothing, and was thankfully ignored. I am not illogical enough to think that every future experience will mirror my past efforts, but I hope that this site can help build up my confidence and knowledge, a stepping stone of sorts, so I can find what I actually need. Speaking with a person I don't know face-to-face is more than I can handle at present. Thank you for sharing the quote too :)

 

[Girl3]

Glass Spine you are making progress every day. Finding a therapist who is right for you will take some effort, but without your trust, no therapist can help. I have also had a number of therapists - some MD's, some PhD's, some LCSWs - having enough trust to tell someone about what is going on inside you takes time. But you have to start your search - telling them that you have PTSD and that staying safe inside your house is your primary coping mechanism would be a great start.

You don't have to tell your therapist your entire life story in the first visit. A good therapist will give you the time and space to tell your story while he or she builds trust.

My heart goes out to you - all 3 of them, but especially the little girl who also hides in the house and hasn't learned to go out in safety.