Relationship Carers Of Those With Combat Ptsd: Let Them Be!

[Army_Brat_88]

I know for some of us who are "dealing" with a person who has combat ptsd we have the same underlying story...the same underlying feelings...the same underlying concerns.

I know that not all of us deal with things in the same manner, and that while our stories might be the same, the way to handle the situation isn't cookie cutter. If it was, everyone returning from war would be fine and dandy w/i days and never have a problem or mental scar.

But for the most part in my current situation I'd like to say this:

If they aren't responding - leave them the hell alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't call, don't email, don't text....don't think that if you remind them that you love them, care for them, are waiting that it'll make booboos all better. It won't just magically snap inside their heads "Hey, they love me, I better rejoin the world and snap out of it!"

I recently had made some contact with my Sgt. It was via text, and I thought "GREAT! He was open to 'talking' today, and he's obviously read my past ones, so I'll keep letting him know daily I'm thinking of him"

Big mistake. Anyone who's read my saga knows - or can search for it. I thought I'd be finally seeing him next month, he seemed really up for it, so when I texted the other day and asked for dates so I could let my work know - nothing. So I chose one, and asked if it'd work. Nothing.

So my non-combat ptsd beast unleashed. It was pretty colorful to say the least.

His response was "I asked for time and you haven't given me any". Really. Nice to know. Months and months of limiting myself in contact by 95% have meant nothing. Nice to know that the other texts I had sent of just one liners to say "hi" were basically a nuisance. I ended it by saying he could take all the damed time he wanted from now on. So my white flag is up for good.

So when they ask for space, ask for time, don't think cutsie little notes phase them.

Yes, it may have at one time. He might have gone all gooie and soft in the heart. But we need to realize that when they come back, times have changed, and all the mushy "I love you's" don't mean what they once did - or will for xxxxx amount of time. Sure, we may want to throw all the love and support we can to them, but now I see I should have just done it non-verbally and left him alone.

Months ago my dad who's a retired Colonel said to me "Don't get the Florence Nightengale syndrome where you think you can help him". Did I listen? Nope. Should I? Well, a Colonel obviously knows what the hell he's talking about and so I should have.

I know ppl will respond with "but he needs to know", or "he responds to mine"...and I'm glad for you. Your person must be in a different place mentally. But there are plenty here who are frustrated when we don't hear back even though we've reached out.

"They" (the proverbial 'they') say "let them come to you". It's advice that should be heeded. Please learn from my situation, because I'm continuously learning the hard way and want to prevent others from that.

 

[amethist]

Thank you for being direct with this Army-Brat.

There is no point in fluffy coating anything with PTSD, honest answers and no beating around the bush is the only way to go.

Even those without the military background have the same issues. If they say back off, then backing off completely is what they want and need. If and when they are ready they will contact you.

Amethist

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Even those without the military background have the same issues. If they say back off, then backing off completely is what they want and need. If and when they are ready they will contact you.

Thank you for the support Amethist. I think so many of us don't want to believe it, or we try to internalize it thinking it's us, or think that if we can JUST dig down far enough in them we'll unlock whatever it is thats preventing them from coming out of it. When it doesn't work, we get frustrated. Then sometimes we push MORE thinking that we'll get somewhere finally. It's just not the case.

We want to show our hearts are in the right place, almost trying to go out of our way to prove it to ourselves and everyone around us. "See? We're not giving up on them yet! We'll do it twice as hard now!" It doesn't work.

I keep saying this is for ppl who have military issues, but it's so true of those who don't. I have a friend who has had ALL the signs of "regular" ptsd for over 10 years now, and I can apply everything I've learned and said to them as well, and can't believe it didn't hit me awhile ago. I couldn't push him either with messages of support when he didn't want it, and still can't.

Sigh. Even when life is trying to prepare you, sometimes we STILL just don't put 2 and 2 together.

 

[vuduciel]

Huaaaaa I think did what you did Army_Brat_88. I flooded him with text since he didn't pick up the phone, now I cant contact him completely, his number isn't active anymore and when I come to his place he wast there and no one can tell me where he is or when he will come back...its been a month and 4 days now...hiks hiks. I was new to PTSD and didnt know that what I did was tot wrong. Now I read on many thread on this forum and what I did are all wrong :(

 

[LoyalOne]

Join a boxing class. Take bike trips. Start listening to audio books. Take up knitting. Do whatever you have to to keep your hands off that cell phone.

When a carer's mind is in an agony of hope, seconds stretch into daaaaaays.
My sufferer has told me that he loses days sometimes in seconds.

Our ideas of time and their ideas of time are not one for one.

I am dead serious; get a distracting hobby. Sitting in your room staring bug-eyed at the phone will send you to the nut house.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I'm sorry V. :( I'm trying to prevent that for others by sharing my story - you will help others too with yours. I wish I would have known in the beginning too, and want others to know what not to do. I try to not do it meanly, but need to write it so that others can say "Jeez, ok, it's NOT me, it's them, so I need to just sit tight regardless of how much I don't want to".

Many of us have done damage we can't fix, others may be on that path. But we are all here to learn from each other.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Our ideas of time and their ideas of time are not one for one.

Sigh. That's stated in the Good Book too, again, you'd think I could apply that to this situation. But that's where it gets frustrating. Those of us who don't suffer from it look at the calendar and go "Holy hell! Another week's gone by!" Then we say "Holy hell! Another MONTH has gone by". Then our "normal" brains freak out.

 

[LoyalOne]

I keep saying this is for ppl who have military issues, but it's so true of those who don't.

The year I lost to trauma and catastrophic weight loss and suicide watches took about 3 days, as far as I remember. That year simply did not exist. I wouldn't eat for a week and not notice. I can't even talk about it because I don't remember it. I did stop talking to a lot of people, though. I must have looked like hell - there are no family pics of me from that year. Haha. But yeah - I ignored people like it was my job.

 

[justin]

Don't call, don't email, don't text....don't think that if you remind them that you love them, care for them, are waiting that it'll make booboos all better. It won't just magically snap inside their heads "Hey, they love me, I better rejoin the world and snap out of it!"

I think i just did something very similar with my now xgf without realizing until possibly to late that i did not really want to do what i was doing even though somewhere i did the part that probably tries to protect me even when there is nothing that needed to be.
I broke up with her about 6 months ago and cut all communication with her for about a month changed my phone number as well. This is causing so much trouble for me on top of the things i already struggle with daily.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Justin - if HER number is still the same, then perhaps you can at some point do what needs to be done so you can find closure to at least ONE thing. It might help you immensely.

<No need to quote the post above reply. Amethist>

 

[justin]

I am back in touch with her the shoe is on the other foot now so to speak.

 

[jenkins123]

Agree with Army Brat Justin. Don't beat yourself up on what you did, but if you feel she didn't deserve some of your treatment, my guess is she would welcome that acknowledgement even if it does not mean the two of you can start again. As one of the many supporters here who feel they have been cast aside from the relationship by the unfairness of ptsd, and end up feeling bewildered, and basically just saddened by their loss, I reckon she might also gain something if only a positive closure and recognition that this ptsd is to blame, not her, or you.