Reaching Out

[ClairBear226]

Doglover... not an easy thing. Seriously. I've got an awesome hubby, and he's really understanding. He's walked with me through this garbage for 18 years. But, he tends to minimize things and turn it into a joke. (His fire department nickname is "Chuckles" for a reason) He's really easy going, and the polar opposite of my ex, which is a really good thing... and normally I'm the first one to cut a joke in the room. But right now, it just isn't what I need. Instead of, "honey, what can I do to make it better", I got, "you've really got to cheer up". It took a solid 6 weeks for me to stop faking it and tell him I was hurting, and 24 hours later, he wants me back to my old self? Makes me wonder if he likes the mask better. He's been checking on me all day, so I know he's heard me... but how do I get across to Chuckles the Clown that his wife feels like she's dying inside?

Trying not to have second thoughts on this... but its tough.

 

[doglover]

Yeah that's a tough one. Maybe he doesn't like a problem he can't fix quickly. Wanting you to feel better and not being able to make it happen.

Open communication is really scary but I cast my vote for that. Does he know you have been putting on a show? (which I can also relate to!) Do you have any idea what would help you right now?

 

[ClairBear226]

Not so much. He's seen that I've been hurting for a little while now, so it's not like he didn't know, but I didn't exactly come out and tell him either. But yesterday... lets just say there's no conscious, oriented human being that wouldn't have gotten the message loud and clear. He tried to joke with me last night too, and I told him then that this really wasn't something I could joke about right now.

I don't really know what I want, so its pretty hard to tell him. I've shut this stuff up for so long, that actually letting myself feel it all is new, and pretty disorienting. I know I need something, but I don't know what. Pretty sure, though, that what I'm dealing with being made into a joke ain't gonna cut it. I'm a firefighter's wife. And every firefighter I know wants to "fix". It's how they're wired. If it needs broken into, they get the Hurst tool. If it needs broken out of, they carry an axe. If it's on fire, they throw water on it. And if all else fails, laugh your ass off.

Part of what I adore about him is his ability to keep me laughing. But some days, he needs an "off" switch.

 

[doglover]

Yeah, finally taking yourself seriously - the inside part that's hurting - and having that timed with a joke probably hurts a lot.

I imagine this is hard for both of you, him wanting to fix it, you wanting to feel understood.

What are some things you do to relax or pamper yourself? Is there anything I can do to help?

You have a right to your feelings, whatever they are. Have you tried to name what you're feeling right now?

 

[ClairBear226]

I drink scotch and play bagpipes. Wanna join me? ;)

I know its only been a day. And I know he does the same thing I do. He turns into Chandler Bing at the first hint of stress - always ready with the one liner. But I need to find a way to get across to him. His strong, independant wife that can stand up to anything is.... falling on her face.

 

[doglover]

Nyuk nyuk

You don't want me anywhere near a set of bagpipes.
:confused:

Unless you like the sound of cat meets blender...
:D

 

[ClairBear226]

I know people that could get you past that point. ;) Everybody sounds like that in the beginning. That's why they make earplugs.

I grow roses, I knit, I cook, bake sometimes, and am really, really dangerous in a craft store with a credit card. Hobby Lobby is like the Mother Ship calling me home. And I can't knock the Hubs too much. My first inclination is to cut a joke too. A comedian is just not what I need right now.

 

[doglover]

I hear roses are difficult to grow. Kudos to you for rising to the challenge! I can't bake to save my life. Something to learn, perhaps.

Bedtime for me - you probably know how important those routines are ;) I hope you will be gentle with yourself, and figure out what might help you. Your Hubs sounds like quite a catch, and I bet he'll rise to the challenge too.

I'll get back to you on the bagpipes. Must save up for a village worth of earplugs. :cool:

 

[ClairBear226]

Have you tried to name what you're feeling right now?

Not really. Frustrated? It sort of fits, but doesn't quite cover the "pain" part.

 

[Jacquie]

He's really easy going, and the polar opposite of my ex, which is a really good thing... and normally I'm the first one to cut a joke in the room. But right now, it just isn't what I need. Instead of, "honey, what can I do to make it better", I got, "you've really got to cheer up". It took a solid 6 weeks for me to stop faking it and tell him I was hurting, and 24 hours later, he wants me back to my old self? Makes me wonder if he likes the mask better. He's been checking on me all day, so I know he's heard me... but how do I get across to Chuckles the Clown that his wife feels like she's dying inside?.

"Chuckles I've been faking it because I didnt want to throw my own stuff on other people's shoulders. Its MY STUFF and I dont want you to carry it, but I need you to know that right now (<==key.....right now) I feel like I'm dying inside. It doesnt mean I will always feel that way, but right now thats how it is for me. And playing the clown right now is DAMNED HARD WORK!"

 

[Jacquie]

If that doesnt work, try this.

I'M A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need FLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then burst into tears. (Believe it or not....this has been my response to a few things...lol And its so so true. For some reason being allowed to be a woman and being sent an enormous bunch of surprise type flowers.....helps)

 

[Zipperhead]

Guys need to fix things. If we don't know how to fix something, we get nervious. Scares us a bit (girls do to, so be honest). He doesn't know how to fix it. He thinks it's a matter of making you smile. If it was that easy, we wouldn't be here. But he's trying, so smile. He cares.