Thoughts Keep Pinging Me

[jewel]

I called my T tonight....I was in major distress. It was a very difficult day for me. He was in session when I called and I suppose I couldn't wait the fifteen minutes for him to call me back and I needed to deaden the pain....inside me, physically and emotionally. When he called I was already a bit woozy and drifting. I knew I didn't take an overdose but I also knew I didn't take the prescribed meds either. I just needed to get away from me.
I feel like my life is a roller coaster, sometimes day to day and others week to week. I am basically all alone where I live and my support is out of state save for my daughter ho is in college nearby. I don't know what my purpose is. Tonight is a really rough night.

 

[Addy]

To Leira and everyone else who has posted here... I too have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They began in the 6th grade and have continued off/on into my adulthood. 8 years ago I made an attempt on my life which was unsuccessful. Today, I have no plans/intent to end my life, but like you Leira, I think of it often. It's more of a passive death wish... like if I didn't wake up the next day it would be perfectly fine with me. I also drive home frequently and think about stopping my car and jumping off the overpass, but I always drive on by... I wonder if I too am doomed to always suffer with suicidal thoughts as a result of my PTSD?

 

[maddog]

SI is such a dark dog of distress. Sometimes it feels like a disease inside of me, ever present, always leaving me aware of its clinging presence, yet somehow soldiering on through life as though it's not there at all. I think I believe that I will probably never follow through with it. Having come through what I have so far, I doubt there will come that day when all of that dormant intent inside of me truly overwhelms me - I think that day would have come by now if it was going to.

But that doesn't take away those thoughts or spontaneous urges - it doesn't take away from the exhaustion of the extra effort it takes to squash them away, usually late at night, when grounding and calming and distraction and good old grit and determination feel like the only weapons I have in this war.

I wonder if they'll always be enough...

I'm sorry it's so hard for all of us.

Maddog

 

[wcdean]

I had a bottle of pills I'd stolen, used to count them out in my hand, hold them at night, imagine taking them. I wanted things to end, be over.

I used to hold a loaded revolver to my head, praying for the strength to pull the trigger, but I, like you, cannot do that to the ones who I know love me. I couldn't cause them the pain and the grief that I felt. I'm glad I didn't, but I still think about it. Like AngelaMarie said, it's not about being dead. It's simply wanting a break from life. It's about being dead inside, and simply wanting to feel whole again, or at least not feel empty.

 

[leira]

How sad that so many understand exactly what I mean. I'm so sorry.

 

[wcdean]

That was my first reaction to finding the forum and reading that others felt that same pain and anguish. I cried uncontrollably when I found it; my wife came to comfort and said that the community was here to help me, not to make me feel sad. I replied that I know that it would, and while it was comforting to know that I was amongst friends, it pained me to know that others were facing the same struggle.

I don't want anyone to feel this way; I would rather be facing this alone than know that so many other were suffering.

It is hard to come to grips with, but that has been part of the healing for me. Knowing, recognizing, and accepting that I am not alone, as much as I would like to be, we are all in this struggle together and that is how we will get through it... together.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

How sad that so many understand exactly what I mean. I'm so sorry.

It's heartbreaking!

 

[jo may]

I have actually have done it and the thoughts are still there.

Today has been heartbreaking and sad, I really wanted to get drunk and jump off the bridge but I didm't.
I have my kids and they need and love me even though I think I'm the worse person for them.

I am now very drunk 2 bottles of wine in less than 2 hours but my husband is here to make sure I do nothing silly.
As I still feel I am the worst person in the world and I really don't want to be here. He'll hide the knifes and pills as he doesn't trust me not to top myself.:notworthy:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Today has been heartbreaking and sad, I really wanted to get drunk and jump off the bridge but I didm't.
I have my kids and they need and love me even though I think I'm the worse person for them.

Thank heaven you did not follow that urge! Those thoughts in your head aren't allowing you to see or feel the love that you kids have for you! If for no other reason, you can love yourself, for loving them enough NOT to leave them. You LOVE them SO much, that even though it's so very hard right now, you WILL survive, for them. Eventually, you'll be able to do it for other reasons...do you have grandchildren yet?

Please be good to yourself! Teach them how to reach out for help by doing that very thing for yourself! It IS a matter of life or death!

(((jo may))) You CAN get through this, one moment at a time!! I'm praying that God's angels will hover around you, and cover you with a blanket of peace. I also pray that you will see just a glimmer of a light from a lighthouse in the distance, at the end of the tunnel you are in.

 

[ClairBear226]

Suicidal ideation is perfectly normal with PTSD, and people need to know that. They need to talk about and not be ashamed of it... well done. .

No kidding? Seriously? Well good to know that I've found something in my head to call normal. I've known exactly what I would do for about a decade or so. Absolutely foolproof. But of course, knowing what it would do to my husband, my children and my friends really brings advancing the idea any further to a screeching halt. On the really bad days, it's worried me that I've got it all figured out. I mean, who does that? But maybe what's closer to the truth is that a lot of us do, we just don't talk about it. Leira, you opened the door on something that I didn't think I'd ever talk about. Ya done good.

"I don't want anyone to feel this way; I would rather be facing this alone than know that so many other were suffering"

Dean, once again, you've echoed my thoughts exactly. Somehow it didn't seem so bad when I thought I was one of the few to be dealing with this. Knowing there were so many other people in the same pain as me was hard to accept. Let's face it... that's an awful lot of pain. It's what made me retreat from here for so long. I found this board a year ago. But it's also really comforting that to know that for someone with PTSD, I'm pretty damned normal.