General How Do You React, When Your Partner Goes Mad?

[Tabitha]

Actually, this forum has taught me how to better react when she's having an episode.

I'd argue back with her and take everything to heart and usually end up crying which would make her more upset because she made me upset. I realized I was creating a negative cycle.

The other day she started acting a little pissy, so rather than fuss back with her, I put my shoes on and said, "I'll be right back love, I'm going for a walk." She gave me a set of very confused eyes (kind of like "Um, excuse me, no, you have to stay here and listen to me rant and rave!!) and she really didn't know what to say. I walked for about 15 minutes and when I came back she was fine, the agitation had passed. :)

Of course I know it won't be that easy every time but with each episode I learn a little more of how to react to the situation and not make it worse.

 

[myvetswife]

Thanks for all your answers. I'm taking very much very quickly to heart. He is really trying to get help from a lot sides. So I hope he is coping with it. I hope my depressions will leave me alone

 

[Eleanor]

I hope my depressions will leave me alone

I am so sorry you all are suffering through this. Perhaps I am concerned without cause - but I want to stress that you and your son both need to get help too. My husband has never been suicidal (just a complete and slightly scary - for someone like me who basically doesn't "scare") and it has Worn Me Out. I am a (partly functioning) wreck, not to put too fine a point on it. I am physically tired, mentally scattered and hyperfocused on this, emotionally drained, and very often on edge. I have a fair number of hours of free floating anxiety even when nothing is happening. My daughter needs to be snuggled right next to me to sleep and has nightmares regularly (less since we've been staying in another house.) My point here is that I've not experienced something as terrifying as you described and I am signed up for a therapist for me, and my daughter is already doing therapy.

The lesson for me that I am having the hardest time with is that I Have To Take Care Of Myself. I don't know why I hate this particular imperative so much, or why I resist it so strenuously, but I do. The funny thing is that I make fun of my husband for habitually responding to my question "how are you feeling?" by saying "I'm fine." Which I now believe means something like "Death is not immanent." No more than that. "I'm fine" appears to be compatible with other statements like "I'm in excruciating pain." or "I'm having an anxiety attack." or "My leg is broken and I think I'm going into shock" but He's Fine! Apparently, however, I am guilty of exactly the same thing. :mad:

Don't mess with real depression. It can start out situational and then take root in your physiology.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Please be careful and take care of Yourself.

 

[aerolock1969]

I agree with everyone's comments in that not engaging in the fight is the best solution. This is much easier said than done because we a carers can end up feeling like their pin-cushion which gets hard to tolerate over time. It's requires an incredible & constant patience and self-control on your part. :confused:

Every case is a little different, but one thing that happened to me when I would choose to leave instead of stay and fight, this made him feel abandoned and would spark him into calling another woman. He was going to SHOW me...make me pay for leaving the fight. He didn't understand that I was trying to disarm the fight, and he wouldn't listen if I tried to explain. In my case there was no right answer... if I stayed and fought, it was a disaster and not healthy for either of us, but if I left then I had to worry he was going to get payback by calling or go see another woman who WOULD give him attention.

 

[Nicolette]

I have discussed the situation of 'up and leaving' with a psychiatrist and he said it is abusive if you don't say you are going, where you are going and when you will be back... even if it's like I'm leaving the house until you calm down and I will be back as soon as I am calm enough to deal with this.... etc.

I have found that I just leave the room..... no need to pack up and leave the house unless in danger. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be worried sick about them if they just stormed off. I think there's a fine line with this.

 

[Serasen]

I too have struggled with what to do when they "lose it". My H and I went in vicious circles for so long before I realized that's what they were. I started to think I couldn't do anything right or say anything smart. I would try to argue my side and try to reason with him.

I have since realized that a lot of times when he does get angry, it's not because of me. I might have been the straw that broke the camel's back in that particular moment, but I wasn't the hay bale that was thrown on there earlier that day or that week.

I still shut down at times and just let him rant and yell. I know it's not healthy for me but sometimes I just don't have the energy to get up and leave. But I do think Nicolette is right. I think leaving the area is enough most of the time to diffuse the angry yelling. But if you do need to leave the house it is best to calmly say you are leaving and make sure they know you will be back at some point.

I can go out the door and down to the pool and by the time I walk back up to the apartment he is usually calmed down or at least not yelling anymore.

My H has threatened suicide before too. He walked outside with a shotgun and I froze. I heard a shot and it was the worst memory I think I'll ever have. He was fine, it was just a shot in the air. But it was scary, very scary.
((hugs))
I have come to the conclusion that if he did do something like that, there is nothing I can do to stop him. I hate to think it but it's true.

 

[aerolock1969]

Wow, Serasen that is alot to deal with and carry with you everyday. Thank you for sharing. Gosh, none of us quite know what another has been through, and I'm so humbled and appreciate this forum to help in my understanding.

 

[aerolock1969]

Unfortunately in my case there wasn't an option to go into another room to allow him to calm down. I tried that many times, in my case all it did was piss him off more. If I engaged in the fight, he seemed the most content however I can't stand fighting so was stressful for me, and if I calmly left for an hour or so he would leave and disappear for 10 hours without any word about where he was. No matter how it's sliced, this is a hard illness to deal with. I think the more knowledgeable the sufferer is with their moods and their own illness, the better chance the carer has.

 

[charlieb]

How much of this behaviour is just being an out and out bully? I take a lot of crap from my wife, there seems to be new triggers every other week. But how much of this is learned behaviour, there have even times that I've just stood up and lost it myself, which has sometimes worked to calm the situation. I think the main thing is to not let yourself be swallowed up by the abuse.

I picked up a very good book a while ago which mentioned a technique called mindfulness, in essence when things get bad I just say to myself, oh there's another insult, pack it up and put it with the others in my vast sea of tranquility!!!...then I reply with something like up yours and go out for a walk!

Charlie

 

[Eleanor]

A PTSD diagnosis is not a diagnosis of underlying virtue - although you might think so if you only knew my friends here. I suppose every slice of humanity can get PTSD. So it is certainly within the realm of possibility that your wife's behavior may just be bullying - but it might not. Is she getting treated?

There have certainly been supporters who found/discovered that their sufferers were abusive or had problems far beyond PTSD. And I think Anthony's distinction between stable (treated and untreated) and unstable PTSD is helpful in sorting out who it is realistic to think one can have a relationship with, and who really can't be in a healthy relationship.

Sending you an extra layer of Kevlar charlieb....

 

[anthony]

How much of this behaviour is just being an out and out bully? I take a lot of crap from my wife, there seems to be new triggers every other week. But how much of this is learned behaviour

Where you started in the above and where you finished, are vastly different, however; both are actually quite correct.

Bullying is typically an emotional / learned behaviour. Symptoms are just as a learned behaviour as bullying, and thus they can intertwine. This is why behavioural therapy is part of the package for PTSD, because what starts out as an unconscious act due to a heightened time in a persons life, can see a result be obtained, thus the person turns the act into a behaviour to get that response again from those around them, ie. to be left alone, isolate, etc.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. People tend to miss that behavioural part and think everything is changed from the mind... when it is a combination of both.

So yes... a PTSD sufferer can absolutely basically learn to become a bully under certain instances in order to get their own way. Shit... I've done it plenty of times in my life whilst learning how to get better. Nowadays is it more a normal reaction when I get ill of expressing I'm not feeling well, and not an extreme reaction to bully anyone around me to leave me alone.

 

[Hashi]

How much of this behaviour is just being an out and out bully?

Good question. I don't know what it's like to be a supporter, but I know what it's like to be around a bully who thinks his psychological stress is a justification for his behaviour. The test for me is whether someone acts in the same way to everyone, or only to particular people in particular situations (for example, getting mad with their partner when alone together, but not when neighbours or friends are there, or at work).

It strikes me that the bully I have to deal with, who says he can't help his behaviour, is magically able to control himself around people he needs to stay on good terms with. Since he never flies off the handle with them, but frequently does with me and a few others, I see that as him choosing his behaviour.

It's also telling that he's not trying to address the situation, doesn't try any strategies to avoid it himself. If the person bearing the brunt of it is the only one seriously trying to change things, that's a very bad sign to me. Apologies and/or calming down later don't count, especially not apologies/calming down after someone has called them on their behaviour (for example by going out for a while) and they realise they pushed it too far.