General I Made A Decision, I Need To Leave, But Need Some Foundation

[Maria4v2000]

So I know I have only been on this site for a short time, but I have come to a conclusion. I need to leave for the well being of myself and the safety of my daughter. I am here for reasons of myself.

I am a mom, a full time masters degree student and an intern. I am unemployed due to having all these items. I am also insulin depedent diabetic. If I were to leave him I would lose my income and lose my health insurance. My daughter is not his daughter biologically, I SOMETIMES recieve child support from her biological father. I know I can get my daughter under government health insurance, but in the state I live in there is NO government health offered to adults. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting medicaid, but so far....nothing. So I guess my questions is, does anyone have any other suggestions on what my next step should be?How to survive with no income? Where to find health insurance with no income or employment? I've always lived a privalged life, and about to loose it all. The material things don't matter to me though. I feel living a happy, fear less life is a better life for my daughter than having materialistic things in her hands.

I cried all night last night because my daughter was AGAIN spenidng the night at my mother's house because I am scared to bring her home in the same house as him because he was having ANOTHER exploding night. He told me he is slipping and feels like imploding.

In the past I told him I would stay if and only if he recieved help. He said he would, but he has not. So I can't let him get away with breaking that agreement. I need to go.

I hope I am not judged for not "standing by my man", but I feel this is the right choice for me and I hope others can understand that.

 

[Zipperhead]

If he's not trying, why should you? But tell him that as you depart. Leave the light on as it were. Tell him if he gets help, you are a phone call away if he needs to talk. You are right, your daughter is more important.

As far as insurance goes, I'm not American and really can't comment on your social safety net. Sorry, I know that doesn't help.

Best of luck. You never know, this might be the catalist that makes him recognise he needs help and reach out. This might be the best thing for both of you.

 

[Maria4v2000]

Thank you for the support

 

[anthony]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Why should you be the one to leave? He's the abuser. Call the police, report the truth, have him removed, and contact your local women's domestic abuse agency.

Chances are, you qualify for far more support than you realize. Your diabetes may be covered under some charity care, or on a sliding fee scale. But, first things first. ...and safety is always first.

Having to send your child away for safety means HE needs to go. Now.

As soon as you can, call the pharmacy and get as long of a supply of your meds as they will fill. Use what financial resources you have into getting what you can. Get a good lawyer (the women's domestic abuse agency should have a list) and make an appointment. Open your own bank account, and take as much money as you can and transfer it where he can't touch it.

Good luck. Be careful. Alert your neighbors & friends, and medical staff of your decision as soon as possible to break out of the shame and isolation.

Abuse is unacceptable and illegal. Perhaps he will wake up and get help, but plan for your survival as if he is going to stay as he is right now.
...and ask for help. There are many who would help if they knew.

 

[Maria4v2000]

I have already gotten all the medical supplies I can get. THere is NO way for me to get access to the money. He NEVER gives me accress to the money, he transfers money to me. He doesn't trust anyone enough to give them access to his accounts. I was thinking about going to a local abuse place and see what can happen from there.

I never reported him before because I don't want to be the cause of ruining his career, PLUS I don't think the abuse is bad enough. It is more threats of physical harm. I am not saying he is hitting me. I am warned that he will, and if I say something wrong I know he will, and I don't want to put my daughter in that situation. She is very young and may not be able to control herself as well as I learned how to.

The one thing that set me off is when he told me he will kill me. It was just a threat, but how should one take that? Do I take it as it was just his PTSD that caused him to say that and not him??

 

[Nicolette]

The one thing that set me off is when he told me he will kill me. It was just a threat, but how should one take that? Do I take it as it was just his PTSD that caused him to say that and not him??

My step father told me that when I was 6 and scared hiding under the sink... he also said he wouldn't as if he did it would mean he would have to go to jail. It scarred me for life and I can still see myself sitting there - perhaps my first disassociation?

My point, how do you not find threats abusive? They are meant to scare and intimidate you which they are doing. Sorry but that's my opinion based on your side of the story.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He IS breaking the law. Threats of harm ARE that bad, and it matters not at all why he is breaking the law. He needs to stop.

Controlling access to money is a common control tactic by abusers.

Telling the truth about his abuse wouldn't be the ruining of his career. The abuse he is responsible for would be. IF his career suffers at all.

You hold the power here. He's terrified, no doubt, of his employer finding out.

Call the police right away and get him charged for threatening to kill you.

With abusers, we must hold them to the highest level of accountabilty possible all at once.

Let HIM worry about his career. He should have thought of that before being such an abusive creep.

Let his therapist help him sort out why he's abusing you. That's not your problem, but his.

Seriously, he does sound like a controlling sociopath. Call the women's hotline right away. You need all the accurate info you can get.

Gosh, I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. You're being very brave. Good for you!

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Abuse can never be tolerated or accepted. Under no circumstances.

Take the good advice above, it is good. Put yourself and your daughter first.

 

[Maria4v2000]

SeekingSerenity, I love your avatar, I like 40 mins from Disney World.

So this week he is getting a new car, so of course, his spirits have been great. I know this is only short lived until some stress comes again.

He also informed me he is getting out of the military, he says he can't do it anymore. I think he is realizing his anger is bad and he feels going to drills triggers it more.

I know these are only words and his actions will see what he really means. BUT for now I am just taking things slow, I still plan on leaving if things don't change, but I am slowly trying to find a safe way out.

I also let him know that I will not be his enabler anymore and that if he does anything to threaten harm to me or my daughter, I am out! I already informed my mother of what is going on and she knows I may come knocking at her door at anytime if anything happens. So we will see if that means anything to him or not.
I am not fighting the money issue right now, because I do feel bad that I am not working. I am only going to fight one battle at a time. Thank you for the care, concern and advice. I will keep you updated. I "hope for the best," and am prepared for the worst.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Please call your local women's center. They have checklists and resources that will help you, whether you ultimately decide to stay or go.

You deserve to be with someone who NEVER threatens you. Who NEVER yells at you.

Staying in this situation as is leaves you in a very dangerous situation where your core self is likely to continue breaking down and your daughter will learn that women are supposed to be abused. She will grow up thinking his abuse of you is her fault. Her life will be greatly harmed and someday, she may end up with PTSD of her own from this.

PLEASE do not make the mistake of thinking he will get any better on his own.

PLEASE take action if not for yourself, for the life and health of your child.

PLEASE see a T. and tell that T. everything! Your life and that of your child are at stake. Even if you feel his threat is 'just a threat'....believe it. It may take a few decades of misery before it comes to pass through cancer, or complete mental breakdown...or worse. But NO healthy, loving person would EVER say that.

EVER.

PLEASE SAVE YOURSELF. You deserve a real life with healthy, loving people.

...and so does your daughter.

I have found myself triggered by your posts. Too many dead women relatives, friends, sponsees, patients, and co-workers causes me to have no filter for trying to be nice about these issues anymore. So please reject anything that doesn't fit but, I hope you'll at least consider what I've said.

I will say no more as it is your life and your choices. But I wish you healing, discernment, and comfort regardless as you walk this difficult path.

 

[Zipperhead]

Bloom, I understand that you are triggered, and Sam, I think you really have to examine this objectively. "I don't consider the abuse that bad" is a very bad sentence. It is wrong on so many levels. Abuse is bad, PERIOD! But re-reading all you posts, your discription of the "abuse" is very vague. Is he triggered, and trying to get you to stop pushing him? Or is he manipulating you through the use of threats? Remembering that he has PTSD, if his way of stopping the situation is to threaten, maybe what is needed here is more of a discusion as to what he can do when triggered to get you to back off without resorting to threats. And you need to recognise when he is triggered and help ground him to if you want to support a PTSD sufferer.

PTSD does not justify abuse! If he is just manipulating you then get out. PTSD is treatable. If he continues to refuse help, then he is not going to get better. Get out. If he does go for therapy, but still can't see that he needs to work on it, going through the motions with no attempt, Get Out!

Having said all this, I do find the automatic assumption that we know the whole story and strong statements eccouraging people to give up very disturbing. When we post, we tend to tell "our side" of the story. So before you do anything, take a long look at reality. And if your reality is a future of abuse, get out. If your reality is of hope, then try to support him in making the right decisions.

Him getting out of the military might seem like a God Send to you. Be careful there! The military was a big part of my self esteme and purpose. When I lost that foundation, I crashed hard. Within 4 months even I had to admit I needed help. Luckily I found it before it was to late. Transition is change, and change is not easy. Try to get him to seek help BEFORE he releases. You might just save his life.