Is It Time For Me To Go?

[Nighthawk]

Your thread title says " Is it time for me to go?"

My immediate response is nooooooo. I know I am not wordy but look at all the support around you. Of course you must do what is best for you. I just know I am not always in the best position to know what is best and not sabotage myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my NH, -how sweet is that!! :) I've heard of Bear Hugs but not Deer (Dear) Hugs (til now :) )
Please don't ever worry, about what you'd say to me in particular- you are entitled to whatever you think and feel. And I appreciate the honesty.
I would miss you, too! , (((((NH)))))

Dear Eleanor, thank you for telling me all that. I hope God does smile, though I must say I feel He's likely disappointed.
However, whether it be 'trauma' or just tiredness, I don't care much for pretense- trauma is one heck of an equalizer, that's for sure! I believe I would have liked your Dave, too; he probably (also) did feel the same (as regards himself), or he wouldn't have had the SI.

I think it is self-care that you are on disability, because you actually went to the Dr and are doing what your body needs- good for you.
Yes, I have to try, just basics even.

I heard today that depression, anxiety, addictions, etc, causes confused thinking. Seems obvious of course but maybe that is what it is (this is) caused by. And also it helps remind (me) that might be so for others (when one is on the receiving end of the behaviours).

One thing within this has been driven home to me also though, heard it said we should do anything we can to help a friend, and we can help them even if they can't help themselves. And I know everyone here has ptsd to contend with, and their own sorrows/ issues/ worries/ trouble/life etc, and I know how hard it can be to post, sometimes. And even to share. So I am not only overwhelmed but also so amazed and grateful that you (all) have done that for me, I am truly so thankful. And also, even if I/ 'we' think or feel we are unlovable or less-than-human, as it were, it would be truly a crime to not acknowledge receiving such care, and love and help and support. I think (I know) that were it not for that here, or some in 'real life', I likely wouldn't have made it this far and definitely would have made different decisions. So as I said I'm trying to trust what 'you' say, and ride it out, and hopefully become less confused. I think of what Anni says that somehow we feel a need to justify 'why' we're on the planet- so true. And bound to color our perceptions.

Also I learned today, when you have sacrificed a lot, you are bound to look at things differently/ from your own perspective, someone else may not understand that who has had different needs (or a lack of those needs, in their life thus far). Or perhaps it's more accurate to say, if it has been worth the choice of making sacrifices, for others who it isn't or they haven't had to yet, they won't understand.
I think living' with ptsd brings a lot of sacrifices with it, as does life.
But with ptsd it becomes easier to 'throw yourself out', if that makes any sense?

Hugs to all and I wish I could make your burdens lighter.
xoxox

 

[Mrs. T]

I wish somehow I could express to you something I have taken for granted my whole life. You Are worth it. You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve honor. You deserve to be spoiled. You Deserve.

You know what makes me sad about you running from marriage for the reasons you gave? I honestly don't know if I feel more sad for you or for the guy that is missing out on a lovely and smashing partner!

:) this whole thread makes me feel warm and fuzzy for you. I hope you don't forget how much you deserve all the love You get. Soak it in, enjoy it. People don't love people because they feel obligated...that's impossible. Don't feel guilty! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Sweet Mrs T, you are so kind!

No, I've never heard of all that, closest I've heard is that 'none of us deserve it but that's the way it is". But somehow that never made sense really, to me. Though I find that there is something lovable in pretty much everyone, and at the very least believe they deserve non-judgment and the rest you have mentioned. Like even that saying, "When you deserve love the least you need it the most". (Not withstanding I understand that doesn't infer how anyone 'should' feel towards their abusers, etc- never to minimize what wrong has been done). But you are right, there is a feeling of 'not entitled', whatever that means, just that it 'is so'. How sweet you are-

Hee- you do make me laugh, I guess I could look up 'e-harmony dating' and click on the profiles of the tornado storm chasers, lol. Awful to say, but when I think back on it, I tried to get the 'good' ones (men) to date or get interested in someone other than me, lol. Guess that's why I likely won't want to go on Facebook, lol

Yes, hard to believe all that but I will try. But yes, you must be right because I have a hard time even accepting gifts etc, eg Christmas etc, too, or celebrating my birthday etc. Hee- except for flowers, must say I always loved those :)

Mrs T, -maybe your husband feels somewhat the same? Maybe it is an off-shoot of ptsd, I don't think I felt this way before that.

 

[Tinyflame]

And you know what's funny Mrs T? I think it would be easier to let it soak in if I thought the other person benefitted from it. Not altruism just I find there is better motivation 'outside' of myself than 'in' (or 'for') 'myself', if that makes any sense? Makes me happier than the other way around, and yet the other way around is probably because you don't feel 'entitled'. Which it is pretty hard feeling like that (at least in so far as feeling like that and not isolating).

 

[Mrs. T]

((((Junebug)))) makes sense that you would think someone would not benefit from you soaking in a person's love and care, but how wrong you are. If someone loves you, how they benefit so much from you soaking it in! Think about it. Apologies, but I'm about to give another children example. Sometimes I wonder if I'm raising my kids well, but when I sit back and watch them interact with people, and just how they act in general, I can tell that they know they are loved. When I see this, i know I am doing something right. It gives me comfort.

My husband, I believe, is similar to you in the sense that he can easily doubt a persons love for him. He loves hearing that he is loved, but I don't see him walking in that love. He knows I love him (thank goodness!), but he doesn't soak it in. It would give me so much joy to know he really knew his worth.

None of us deserve it but that's the way it is? That's awful. How bout, "we deserve it but we don't all get it".
I believe that ppl with ptsd have been robbed of a life they deserve. Not by choice. Robbed. If someone robbed me of all my money, don't you think I deserve to have that money? Why would a person with ptsd deserve a happy life any less then someone without? As my son would say, "that's just straight up Silly".

I don't understand how some ppl can love those who have ruined their life. My mother-in-law prays for her ex-husband all the time. She wishes him well. He stole everything from her. She struggles to get by. She cares for His kids (even those from other women) and grand kids. Even though she doesn't have money. He. Well he is one of the richest men in his country and to this day, he tries to find ways to make her life and his kids lives miserable. When I hear the things he does, I honestly wonder if he is crazy. He must have some sort of mental disorder cause I can't think of another explanation. Why and how can she still wish him well? Maybe somewhere, somehow, he deserves it. Or maybe its about honor. I hope one day I can fully understand this...

Eharmony eh? Hahaha. Would be amusing anyway. Do it! I see all these commercials for free weekends on different dating sites. So? Ha.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Mrs T, you are one terrific mom and spouse and beautiful person.

I hope that is so! I really will have to read this again but again I will try.

I don't know why, but "Why don't we deserve that just as much?" seems to be very applicable. (Your sweet son sounds amazing, btw :) ) Maybe it has to do with the feeling like garbage or damaged goods idea. Or thinking were we 'normal' we wouldn't have this, or stronger, or.. something?, somewhere self blame. And I think like your husband says, expressing regret when we know you deserve more and get less because we fall short of what you deserve.

What beautiful words, however, xox

I saw a mini-article this morning about 4 friends helping their friend, it said the lengths that they went to said that they loved him and therefore he was of value and lovable. -Wow.

But I really hope you're right that it makes others happy when we are happy. Strange thing is, it does in reverse, so maybe one has to learn to accept it.
I must say, I have only been able to think, well they must be a bit crazy, if a person can 'overlook' ptsd, lol

Yes, I have to agree, sometimes 'enabling' occurs instead of love. But if nothing else, your M-I-L sounds like your husband, the kids/ grandkids will never forget the love she's given.

Hee- it's ok, re: e-harmony, getting 'asked out' is inversely proportional to wanting to be, haha. I am content. :)

You are so sweet Mrs T, xox

 

[Eleanor]

Found my H on e-harmony! No thanks to them - I had to go looking and do my own "sort" - but there he was. So I will say only - when you decide to go on a search - make a good and exhaustive list of what you want! PTSD was not on mine, but I wouldn't trade him for anything:inlove:. he he he...

"God never made any ugly puppies" as one of my friends says... "or babies either" I'd add. Kind of hard to remember sometimes when they grow up - because we don't have God's capacity for love - but we don't give up on loving the dogs, (and they generally don't give up on us!) and God doesn't give up either.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Eleanor I guess I've put myself in the category of 'beyond help', which is self-sabotage. I know it sounds cowardly. But I have to work on it. Or just 'not work against it'.

Odd thing is, I'm thankful for all the help. I think my 'brain' is trying to kill me(!) Or just I need a lot of work, lol. Yikes, what a mess.
I had no idea any of all 'this' would come up with a simple thread, so that's a bit of 'learning', too. :)
xoxox

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel selfish to talk about all this stuff, but I can't thank everyone enough.

I think after many years with ptsd the bad part is you 'play things around in your mind' so much (or it worsens) and then 'poof', what seems out-of-the-blue is the culmination of days/ months/ years of bad thoughts, etc. So it takes seconds to go from zero-to-60.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Eleanor, I should have said too, I do believe God must be Super-gentle and merciful etc, because frankly how else could He be, considering what He gives me etc., I don't mean to sound whiny. Plus I've had many pretty ~inexplicable happenings, -always 'sweet' things too.
I am more my own judge and executioner, I think.
I think God is 'there' in all you sweet people, that's how I know God is 'there'.
xox

 

[melody]

Junebug, in answer to your question... No. You are an extremely cherished member and although I don't know you well, I know what kind of person you are (through your threads and responses) and you would be sorely missed. :)