Abandonment Issues - Ugly Duckling Becomes Beautiful Swan

[Gloria]

I just went to lunch with a good friend who is so innocent that she didn't even know what PTSD is and doesn't know of anyone who had an abusive childhood. I'm always glad to hear that it is an anamoly and not as widespread as I sometimes feel. It was nice explaining the abandoment issue to her because she felt (and so do I) that in all other areas (except for male abandonment issues) I have turned out pretty good. So I'm lucky to have a supportive friend and supportive therapist. It is helping. I am using my brain wave machine but don't want to be too weird. I wrote about it on the forum. It really does help. I have a finger tip oxygen and pulse monitor when I use the brain wave machine. I thought it was too far out but since I turned on friends, doctors and acquaintances, they have gotten the machines and it has lowered their blood pressure, helped them quit smoking and lose weight.

 

[Gloria]

I am working the SWIRL thing. It's very painful but I really feel like I am feeling the pain from my family's abandonment of me very strongly. It makes me cry which is odd because when I first read the book and it asked you to feel your abandonment, I felt nothing. I always feel no self pity about my childhood, only guilt because even though it was bad, I survived and my brother and sister did not.

 

[Gloria]

I'm continuing the SWIRL thing and from the beginning it helped me be aware of where I was at. if I was feeling down, I knew not to try to go to the next which is withdrawal. I cried at the therapist for the first time because I was telling her about the story of the little girl and how she was abandoned and I finally was in touch with the little girl. I resisted very hard because to me it seemed so corny "get in touch with your inner child" so I denied the inner child in me. I know I'm acknowledging my inner child for the first time and if I think about it I still feel weak that I have to go back and nurture the child but I am such a mother figure. I think about how I am so gentle and caring for people and animals in my life. In the story, the child realizes that the person that she thought was helping her was actually her adult version of herself and she is comforted. How sad! My sons were loved unconditionally and my siblings and I never experienced anything like that - not even one "I love you" and my mother never kissed or hugged me my entire life. Maybe she did when I was a baby before she got sick with MS.

But I am feeling so much stronger. I am going to try to go to this author's seminar in April but only if I get a scholarship. It's not that I can't afford the seminar but if I pay for the seminar, I won't be able to afford to pay for someone to help on the farm. The cost of a helper for four days might be quite high. In April, I will be able to leave my horses outside so that won't require anyone and my sons can take care of the cats and chickens and older dogs but I will need to put my puppies with someone who will not let them lose their house breaking.

I'm so grateful that God just places things in my path and I am able to heal and learn.

 

[Gloria]

I am determined to get one of the therapists at the retreat at my house to do an abandonment trauma retreat. I live so close and Brother Pat lets me come in and sit in on AA and Overeaters Anonymous and any retreat that's going on. I don't eat (can't eat their food) and don't sleep there but I join in the groups.

I remember one AA retreat, the people in my groups didn't want me to go because I talked about the trauma of early childhood and how it set me up for drinking later. It was a relevation for many because there is a saying in AA that you drink because you are an alcoholic .... period. But in actuality, people who have trauma are very likely to drown out that feeling of trigger, fear, pain with alcohol. The people realized that it would might be easier to stay sober if they could work on some of the underlying feelings that made alcohol an escape.

I think almost everyone has some abandonment issues. I have known so many men who have problems with intimacy and friends and self esteem because their father walked out and they never saw the father again in their life. That is devastating to a child - man or woman. Women who have been abandoned by fathers tend to always to find that father image.

In this book, there is exercise - very painful. You imagine that the person that abandoned you comes back. You are allowed to feel the joy of "Wow, that person really does love me" but then you realize that the person has not changed and that if you trust that person, he will abandon you again. So you feel love in your heart for that person but do not allow that person back in your life. That was a really hard exercise. I wanted that person to stay but I had to realize that person was not capable of staying.

 

[Gloria]

I am still in shock a bit. I guess I'm going to Hartford, Ct and then taking a bus to go to a workshop. I've never been to Connecticutt but I do know that all the rich people from New York go on holiday there. There are these yoga "institutes" in California and back east and I always wanted to go but they are for wealthy people - very expensive and very "new age". I don't know.

But I guess I'm getting a scholarship that will cover my costs and since I have airline miles, I don't need to worry about it costing a lot of money. I am going the end of April. I wasn't going to go because I hate leaving all the work of the farm to my sons but it's only a weekend. I am looking at this as my turning point. I will be focusing completely on my abandonment issues the entire weekend. I have been having vivid dreams (nightmares) where I am invisible to those people who abandoned and betrayed me but I tell them (in my dreams) that they are wrong and it's not nice. Reading the book about the Black Swan, there is a chapter where the abondoner (wounder) tries to take the little girl back into their life. You want them to love so badly but if you let them back in, they will hurt you and abandon you again so you must pull away.

I wonder how many people in AA, ACOA and the forum really understand the complex relationship they have with abusive or neglectful parents or loved ones? I hear so many people say that they are being a better person than the abuser by being kind to the abuser but I don't think that is the main motivation. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I have had no contact at all with family of origin for 3 years now. I got a Christmas card three years ago but never replied and that was the last time.

I have no contact with my former boyfriends and it used to be terribly important to me that I remained friends with them. I think my underlying reason was that I wanted them to love me some way somehow still..... But they hurt me and betrayed me so why on earth would I want their approval and love and respect? It's because I have this big hole and I am realizing it for the very first time in my life.

It really killed me when I read in the book about a "life unlived". My life was unlived and empty because I just wanted to be loved by someone and feel like I mattered. Now I realize that my childhood abuse and neglect and torture made me seek out love from people who couldn't give it to me and the more they abused, the more I needed that approval and love.

Since I read the book and started practicing the lessons, I don't feel sad at all about not being married or in a relationship. When I start to feel the hurt and remember the things that people did to hurt me, I put my palms out against my chest and push these people out of my mind. I push the abusers and abandoners away and mentally will them to be out of my life forever. I am very much happier already but in a few months, I hope I will be in such a good place and this weakness or vulnerability that I have had all my life to get involved with unhealthy people will be banished.

 

[Gloria]

Despite the fact that I have had some major trials lately, still staying cheerful. You know I put on makeup and it helps to look good. It makes a big difference!

 

[Gloria]

I am still using the SWIRL to keep myself grounded (Shattered, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage and Letting go). This simple word is easy to remember and I find that I am shattered some times but I remember SWIRL and don't go to withdrawal and on and on. I remember that the book says that you could cycle through all of these phases for any length of time (from a minute to a month) or you could just by-pass the stages.

Recently, I felt so alone and sad. It comes from my abuse and neglect as a child. I feel unloved momentarily and then remember that I am an adult now and I am not unloved. I am going to this seminar and hopefully will return with even more strength but this book has changed my life.

The other day, some one who was not the most rational or kind person did and said things to upset me and I got her out of my life completely and forever and did the physical motions involved with the 12 lessons from the book. When I feel hurt, I put up my hands by my chest with my palms out and mentally push that person out of my life forever. Someone who hurts other people intentionally is just someone that I don't ever want to let back into my life. I say to myself that I let my guard down but now I will not let that person injure me again.

 

[Gloria]

I know this book changed my life because before I read it, any friendship or relationship that ended would devastate me. But now I remember that in the book it refers to the "wounders" and how we must push people out of our lives that will wound us. I physically hold my hands up against my heart and think of the person who has hurt me and push them out of my world and out into oblivion. They no longer matter to me anymore. The idea that I would let someone who intentionally or callously does or says things to hurt me get into my head is not going to happen if I stay alert. I am alert now. I let go of allusions and physical appearances and see that person's soul.

 

[Gloria]

I guess this book helped me more than I thought. I feel very alone and am very okay with it. It's almost like I want to be alone and I recognize the people who hurt me.

 

[Philippa]

Since I read the book and started practicing the lessons, I don't feel sad at all about not being married or in a relationship. When I start to feel the hurt and remember the things that people did to hurt me, I put my palms out against my chest and push these people out of my mind. I push the abusers and abandoners away and mentally will them to be out of my life forever. I am very much happier already but in a few months, I hope I will be in such a good place and this weakness or vulnerability that I have had all my life to get involved with unhealthy people will be banished.

This really hit a chord with me Gloria.

I'm going to do this more daily as well and see how it affects me, because I really want to stop attracting these unhealthy relationships as well.

I haven't, for the majority of my time alone, missed being in a relationship or wished I was married, but every now and then...and most recently, I do want to be in one and feel like I am too alone or sad...but it's not true. I enjoy being alone and it's better to be alone than with someone who is bad for you...that's the truth.

Your words helped me come back to that knowing and confidence in my decision to be alone. I think it's an incredibly important lesson in life...possibly THE most important thing to learn in life...how to be alone. Most people don't ever let themselves find out. It's essential if you want to stop trying to fill that hole, and just sit with it for a change.

I think you are tremendously brave and you inspire me so much.

 

[Gloria]

Thanks so much Philippa,

It does get tiring to be the one who has to be brave and strong and forgiving. I had a dream last night of my ex-boyfriend. I think the reason why I am thinking of him is that I am running into him driving. He drives down the road by my house to and from work. I avoid normal rush hours so I won't run into him but he must have taken off early the other day. It's a tremendous trigger for me and he abandoned me so many times but yet last night, I saw him in my dream and he was working and I bought something from behind the store where he worked and he refused to make eye contact with me.

How many times have I seen people in other support groups or on this forum make excuse after excuse why they should still in regular contact with the family that abused them? But I know that no my family abused me or ignored me and it makes me want to play the same game over and over in the hope the outcome will end up differently. I know this is one of the main reasons I could get hooked on unavailable men. Men (or women "friends") pick up on this right away because these are the manipulators and bullies so they know when they have someone that will be easy to manipulate.
So much pain that we inflict upon ourselves after the abuse is over. I hope more people give this book a looking over and can press their hands outward and push those people out of their lives forever.

Big Hugs,

Gloria

 

[Gloria]

I kind of got lazy with my Black Swan work and started to want to have my abandoners love me again. Yes, this is part of the whole problem. We never accept that these people will just come back in our lives and hurt us again. I see people do this all the time.

I did something to remind me though. I bought a very inexpensive black swan pendant and necklace. The black swan sits right over my heart. Now when I feel the pain that I was not loved or remember how someone hurt me, I touch that swan and it is made of metal and I think to myself that this will shield my heart and I will not feel that pain.

I've come so far with this but for some reason when I meet men and they turn out to be jerks, I don't think that my ex was that bad (but he really was). He took me for money, lied to me and hurt me very badly. I have my black swan on my heart to protect me if I think of him. He can't get inside my heart.