Experiences With Sociopaths

[Srain]

He saw marriage counsellors and a psychologist women ones, who he charmed and did his little boy, hurt act with and as you said in your previous post they are not qualified to evaluate whether he is a sociopath or not.

Lizio, this is the frightening thing I found not only with my father growing up first hand but also with my exes, though I'm unsure what if my last was a clear cut sociopath or just a shit, either way he was nasty with the mind-games.

I have no doubt that my father was or the one I wrote about, it's not just my passing feeling, they fit the said criteria. I can't possibly think why it would matter if either one was clinically diagnosed or not, it certainly didn't change what they did or what I have ended up with. The description has left me to better understand why I meant nothing and why it was nothing personal. That in itself made the most sense how someone who claimed to loved me could look me in the eye then punch me in the face without being the least bit upset. The calm talking afterward like nothing ever happened and discussions, mind games, sense of entitlement, all made so much more sense because like it or not as person I have a need to understand things before moving on.

Rain

 

[PTSD sufferer]

(((Lizio)))

I am sorry you are in this situation. I think it is very wise that you are questioning his behavior and trying to learn about sociopaths. I believe knowledge can bring a great deal of comfort. It may be hard to identify a sociopath, but we should always question someones behavior and gain knowledge about conditions such as sociopath and psychopath.

There are sliding scales, or degrees of sociopathology and psychopathology. Diagnosis is not an exact science and it is true that they can go undetected. If you are identifying some behaviors that make you concerned, then you should be concerned. Hypervgilance does have its benefits sometimes (irritating as it can be) as it can teach us to be wary of certain harmful behaviors. As long as its not wary of everything in our life, it could help us to avoid people with traits that may cause harm...as long as it is directed to harmful situations that is.

You are using your rational mind by asking for others experiences and seeking information on the topic and I really do think this will help you in the future. I know it helped me to come to terms with a difficult situation, and knowing what I know now, I will be vigilant if I begin to question similar behaviors - I have already this week questioned the behaviors of someone who showed they lack empathy for others and I have high-tailed it outta there. We do not need to put up with bad behaviors, and we should not minimize the potential harm that can be caused by those with bad behaviors.

It will be more obvious to me, because I am vigilant. I will be even more vigilant, when children are involved, because I see it as my job to protect and not be fooled like my mother was. The end result is that I saved my own life by keeping this personality away from me, and only barely. That is me personally trying to take a positive out of a horrid situation. I am sure these bad behaviors are more obvious to you too.

So, I understand where you are coming from and the fact that you started this thread, and are trying to arm yourself with knowledge, is such a positive thing. Keep talking, keep seeking knowledge of what you suspect, you are the best judge of whether harm is being caused to you, and your children. And, being vigilant when these are such slippery characters is a wise thing in my book, because that is the only way they can be detected, under the BS image they portray to others.

All my love, PS xxoo

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Lizio)))))))

I'm so glad you have gotten help during the process of this thread.

I don't think it is wrong to explore our lives through asking a pointed question and then getting feedback.

If giving a firm point of reference (in this case, using the word, 'Sociopath' in the title) by which to measure all else is helpful, what would be the harm? If the name of the thread were 'is this person abusive enough to [behavior]' we'd have had no starting point of reference by which to measure the posts.

There seem to be plenty of other threads using a firm point of reference. 'Is this [a word]?'

You came here for help for you and your kids. Your ex did not. I sided with you against the abuser in your life at the beginning, and trusted you to know the details and find your way. I still side with you.

I don't feel the need to give him the benefit of the doubt. I trust that if he deserved that, you and your trustworthy people would be doing that.

I trust that by the time people come here, they already have experienced enough doubt that they want honest feedback based upon what they had written, so I try to give that. I trust that if I'm wrong, they'll reject it and move on to other posts that are more helpful. (...and I'm wrong, frequently. :P )

It doesn't matter to me whether or not he fits the point of reference given...he's close enough that you and your counselors have advised you to take action to protect you and your children. So, you are gaining skills, support, and safety as a result.

I see no downside to this process.

I'm glad your life is better and you are healing.

 

[mamachick]

As someone else stated, the description of "sociopath" gives explaination for the poor treatment by someone who claims to love us.

It allows us to close the door or burn the bridge without looking back and thinking there is any hope for change.

It allows us to hold that person accountable and not blame ourselves when we lack confidence.

It is reassuring that we could not have done something else that would have changed the situation.

Somehow, it is helpful to put a label on behavior that sums things up, even if it is not accurate. (not saying anyones label is or is not accurate)

Glad that you got away from this Lizio. Regardless of his diagnosis, I know that involvement with this kind of person takes time to heal, and glad to hear you are doing that.

 

[Broken]

You have absolutely given me no confidence about writing on this forum ever again without having the risk that you will come along and break down what I have written to the nth degree when you disagree with how or what I have phrased something and if I dare to stand up for what I have written and explain why.

I agree with you Lizio. As I am typing this, I realize that being new, I'm afraid of disagreeing with Anthony. I am so grateful for this board and members who actually understand what I say, that I worry about being banned and losing what I so look forward to here.

Which is what happened when I stayed in the abusive marriage, it was the best I could ever get so I couldn't risk "messing up" the mind-reading rules that he assigned to me or else, he would leave me. And if he left me, he had me convinced no one else will ever want me.

I read through the rules and don't want to challenge authority because that could get me banned. I stayed away from the board for a day, afraid to read responses, thinking that I may have done something wrong.

I know this my issue to deal with it just brings to the forefront how one-sided "love" was. If I agreed with my ex, well then, I was a good wife. He would spontaneously hug me reward me like a dog who learned a new trick.

But the minute I would question him, have an opinion, ask for a consideration on my behalf, I had to perfectly word the question without because he said it made him crazy for me to ask open ended questions. So I worked on that like one would work on studying a foreign language, so I could pass the test, still wasn't good enough. I shouldn't have repeated the same question twice. I would never know, when I would be at risk for striking out until he would come home and not speak to me using techniques that were used on me growing up that shamed me.

So I hope I didn't say anything that offended,you Lizio, or added to anyone's pain because it wasn't my intention, and besides now that I think of it, that's been my assigned role from my childhood ;), I don't want to suck at it now, with people who are actually kind.

 

[Broken]

The description has left me to better understand why I meant nothing.

I agree. How did you or do you deal with that realization. It's one that I am painfully coming to that hurts so much.

These words under your name: "Please don't tell me not to cry." Was this a mantra you had to abide by in your life? I ask, because it was for me. Crying in my environment for abuse was abnormal. If they caused me pain, I was called weak and it would distance people away from me, so I just cried alone, still do.

 

[Middle of Nowhere]

(((Lizio)))

Me too. I was instructed to call the district attorney today by my t and I actually asked him if I was an abused wife. :cry: Calling tomorrow.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I feel like I need to point out(though it might have been already) that very few sociopaths are going to just come out and seek 'help' for their 'problem'. It is my understanding according to the research I've done that sociopaths do not think they have a problem. They think the rest of the world does. In their mind they alone are the smartest, most powerful and best example of humanity because they view their power(lack of conscience) as a gift. Those who do possess a conscience are viewed by sociopaths as being weak, dumb and unfit. Thus, they're not going to seek out one of those individuals to label them as anything at all. Which means in reality it is very likely the majority of diagnosed sociopaths we run into, are those who got caught...not those who have turned themselves in. Regardless, that doesn't mean they aren't out there simply because they haven't been diagnosed.

Imagine if you would what it would be like if we told ourselves every time we met someone who ticked all the boxes for sociopathy that "they aren't diagnosed, I must be overzealous in my labeling". What a scary, potential vulnerability that would create in our lives, whether we've been victims of such a monster at one time or not.

However, I do believe the word sociopath is thrown around too much these days amongst survivors of abuse. I've started wondering if it's a coping mechanism, as a way to describe our attacker as something beyond conscience. Because we possess one ourselves, we can't imagine anyone with one also doing the things we were forced to endure at their hands.

BUT...and that's a big but...I don't believe a full psychological evaluation is the only way to recognize a sociopath. I didn't even truly know what the word meant for years. It took a therapist telling me what was happening for me to put the pieces together, but with research and time to accept the truth, I was able to recognize all the signs. Research is the key word there. I do believe Anthony is excellent at that. But I would counsel everyone to do the same. If only because in my experience, I've found reading about sociopaths gives me back the power and control mine took away. If you know how gaslighting, emotional abuse and games of manipulation and control work, you're less likely to fall for it ever again. With research, you even know how to defend yourself well enough that you're able to help others see it as well...which takes even more of that elusive control away from the sociopath and back into your hands. I've also found that the more I know about the psychology involved, the less I hurt over what happened.

Just my two cents(and a dollar or two extra! ;)) I adore you Lizio and I'm sorry you're going through this kind of pain. I hope you're able to find peace over this whole mess. Don't let the jerk(your ex) win by having his actions continue to hurt you. You deserve to be happy.

 

[BloomInWinter]

call the district attorney today by my t and I actually asked him if I was an abused wife. :cry: Calling tomorrow.

(((((MiddleOfNowhere)))))

 

[Broken]

I sided with you against the abuser in your life at the beginning, and trusted you to know the details and find your way. I still side with you.

I was so happy to see this post due to my experience of having people side with me until they would me the "wonderful ex-hubbie" and I would be abandoned. It made me feel, unbelievable. Part of my PTSD is anxiety when my reality is denied, hard to explain. It goes back to betrayal. I trusted the almighty counselor, who told me that they knew more than I did about my abusive relationship and that I was to trust his knowledge only to find out that their knowledge was seen through distorted lenses due to their own abuse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My ex-bf managed to convince many women to run interferance for him against anyone who questioned him. Even when faced with hard legal evidence of his crimes against their children.

I'll never forget the way he could do that. Just....get between the most sacred bond on earth and twist it.

*sickened*

:(

 

[trainwreck09]

So I have complex trauma (complext PTSD) whatever you want to call it. It seems that because of my childhood I am far more likely to fall victim to sociopaths. Because I accept bad behaviour towards me as normal.

I have to say I lived with a man for 26 years just like what you decribe upabove. I have been happily DIVORCED for over a year. The divorce was the first step to my recovery. I never did think of him as a sociopath I always thought it was me the one with PTSD bi polar disorder depression and on and on. When I finally got out of the relationship and after I was gone for a while I realized alot of my problem was this sociopath that shared nothing but chaos with me. I realized I had surround myself with people that were good for me POSITIVE FOLKS and people that understand. My sociopath always said its in your head. Duh, yes it is....lol Hang in there........