Afraid To Have Family/children One Day

[Maxwell]

With the abuse I endured for much of my life, I often wonder if it would be immoral to have a family or children. I've never been in a relationship, and I'm now healing quite a bit. A simple date would be the first step. However, with my upbringing, how could I ever be a good husband/parent? There are therapists devoted to children of holocaust survivors (not the survivors themselves). I personally know that my mother was severely abused by her own. If you see what she was raised by, you'd completely understand all of her craziness. I'm only 2 years into healing. This is hard for me to admit, but I worry that I could become the abuser. I worry that I would see myself in my children and completely close them off emotionally. I know that where it stands now, it would be a very bad idea to raise children in the foreseeable future. However, could I ever see the day where it would be a responsible decision?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't have any advice for you. But I am listening. I just wanted to say I feel the same thing. Especially when it comes to anger. I lose control of my temper around my future kids...what if they are scared of me? What if I become the crazy Bipolar mother that they write about on a forum one day?

 

[Journeying]

Maxwell,

I can't answer that because I had my children in my twenties and only over time realised that I had some huge issues. Actually it was because of my children I first went for help. I didn't want them being like me.

So afraid and ashamed and self loathing and angry. My children are all adults now and while I know they have been negatively effected by aspects of their upbringing they are also healing. Actually I have found that as I change, and am honest and open with them, they are changing as well. My eldest son for instance who as a teenager couldn't look anyone in the eye is now a regular public speaker.

I wish I had had myself sorted out a little more before I had kids but I really believe now that it's never too late .

<Edited - removed full quote, and added full line paragraph breaks.>

 

[Maxwell]

What if I become the crazy Bipolar mother that they write about on a forum one day?

That's exactly how I feel--except bipolar father...

 

[doglover]

I don't have answers for you - I've heard a lot of parents enter therapy because they don't want to pass along their issues. I think it is possible to be a good-enough parent with support and self-awareness.

Myself, I am also not sure I want to have kids. I don't feel like I would be emotionally available at this point. I don't want to pass along the deficits...

But I think children whose parents have issues can still grow up feeling okay about themselves. Might just be more of a challenge.

 

[Abrasky]

Why don't you ask your psychologist if you have the qualities to be a parent? There are a lot of sane parents who lack the qualities to have a parent, and some people with mental illness have these qualities due being extra sensitive to what they grew up with. Qualities to be a parent include the ability to love, nuture be stable don't come from mental illness but are unique to a person regardless of having a mental illness or being mentally healthy.

 

[maddog]

As a general rule of thumb, I tend to think that insight and self awareness are the key determining factors here. Anyone who is self aware and motivated enough to identify that they have issues which may be impacting on a child and to seek to do something about them, is most likely already much more likely to succeed long term as a positive parent than someone who lacks any insight into the effect that they may be having on a child.

I often say the same of parents who worry about this or that perceived deficit or challenge of their child. Chances are, if the parent is worried about it, then it won't be a long term problem - it's the ones who don't know or care that are the issue.

That said, I will congratulate myself on being self aware enough to know that there is no way this side of eternity that I am stable or emotionally available enough to be a parent, either now or in the foreseeable future. The longing for children is a complex and conflicted issue which is a whole other topic, but for now at least, it would be irresponsible of me under any circumstances to take on responsibility for another human being, and that just has to be as it is.

MD

 

[shell]

I was always afraid I would abuse any children I had, and had decided that I would never children. I felt really strongly that I never wanted to abuse my children the way I was treated, so I can understand exactly where you are coming from.

When I got to 33, I started to feel really strongly that I wanted a child. At 35 after 2 years of discussion, we decided to have a child and my son was born later that year. My doubts never went away, but I was determined to be a good parent, and would have sought help if ever I thought I was harming him.

I have never regretted having him, I treat him far better than I ever hoped, basically I just treat him exactly the opposite of how my parents treated me. It's never easy raising children, but the rewards can never be understood until you are in that position. Even though I have a tendency to isolate at times, I always ensure I don't do it around him.

I wasn't told I had chronic PTSD until a year ago, so maybe I under estimated the effect of my past, but I could have been traumatized at anytime during the past 10 years, you can't predict the future, all you can do is deal with is the present.

For me what was important was having control of my anger, a stable relationship, and the drive to be a good parent, and being aware of the damage a parent can do to a child.

 

[Maxwell]

At what age did you decide that you weren't ready? I know that must sound like an odd question, but I'm asking how long it took you to feel healed enough to parent. Moreover, how did you know you reached the stage in your healing to be ready?

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi Maxwell, and others - I liked several posts here. I don't know that I can answer your questions directly, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject. Like Maddog, I have decided that having children would be more than I can do. I really liked her post. :tup:

I can't give you the perspective of someone who healed and then decided to have children. With that said, in my thirties, I really struggled with wanting children. Here are some factors that I considered:

How are you with other people's children? Do they grate on your nerves? Are you exhausted after playing just a few hours? Do you want to yell at them if the trigger you?

How are you with pets? Do you have pets? If you do, then this might be a good way to gauge your ability to manage a child. Although a pet isn't as much work as raising a child, they do require constant attention. If you don't yell at or abuse your pet when you are upset, then odds are you won't hurt your child. With that said, uncontrolled anger, even if not directed at pets or children will affect them.

I understand you fear about being an abuser. I think that being able to control your anger and your behavior when you are triggered would be key.

Another issue I had was that of support. How much family support do you have that have healthy behaviors? Also, don't rule out the possible support of your future wife and her family. You won't be raising your child alone.

Lastly, I would really encourage you to do work/reading on relationships and boundaries when you are ready. While you are dating, stay in therapy if you can. Use your professional to help you find someone that is healthy. For myself, dating was a nightmare because I kept being drawn to men who were like my dad, and of course, I was acting like my mom.

My therapist helped me change what I was instinctively attracted to (I was trying to fix my past subconsciously) and find a man who could give me what I needed and deserved as a person. I had to change my whole way of thinking about men. Without therapy I could have married 10 times and ended up in the same kind of abusive/unkind/one-sided relationship.

I think it's great that you are thinking about the impact of having children beforehand. :geek: While I was struggling with this question too, my psychiatrist told me that he "admired me" for questioning if I should have children. He said that so many of his patients don't, and the child and patient suffers. At the time I was getting a lot of pressure from family and friends to have children. I have always been grateful to him for those words. It was my first experience talking to a man who actually heard me.

 

[Maxwell]

Daisygirl,

Did you ever have children? Have you decided to never have children? Is it a situation where you just have to intellectually remember that it's the responsible decision?

 

[Daisygirl]

Maxwell,
No, I have not had children, nor do I plan to. Yes, it is a situation for me where I have to remember that I am making a responsible decision.

BUT... this was my decision, based on my circumstances. Just because you and I both suffered abuse, does not mean that because I have not had children that you shouldn't.

Just to clarify, in my earlier post, I am not an abusive person, but if I get triggered my anxiety can sometimes get the best of me. My emotional response can be out of proportion to the situation. I also have other medical problems.

Another issue that I had to consider is lack of support from my family, my in-laws, and my spouse. If I had a child, I would be the sole caregiver. I didn't want that for my child.

Lastly, I had to consider the fact that I would have to get off all medication while pregnant and nursing. How would I cope without medication AND no support?

So, I hope you see that my situation may not be yours. I don't know your age, but even if it seems that you couldn't have children now, who knows how much better you can be in 5-6 years? I hope that you will discuss your concerns with your therapist. He/she can tailor your expectations to your exact situation and maybe give you some comfort that the choice is ultimately yours and your future partner.

I am sorry, Maxwell, that you are struggling with this question. I know for me, that I struggled with not having children for several years. I take comfort in the fact that I am a good aunt to my nieces, and I enjoy my time with them. :)