Afraid To Have Family/children One Day

[Nicolette]

While I haven't read every post here's my 2 cents worth as a supporter:

• You need to have a support network
• Love and desire, like a relationship are not all what it takes to be a good parent
• Your past does not define you
• If considering having children I would suggest having relative's children's over for an extend break to see if you can cope with them as if you can cope with someone else's children you have a pretty good chance. You have to act like 'a parent' and not a friend during this trial
• If your relatives won't let their children stay over that is something to evaluate
• Remember parenthood is not just about babies.... what about coping with a hormonal teenager who may challenge you with every move for a couple of years?
• What happens if you dissociate or isolate (and already know this happens on a fairly regular basis)... if looking after a screaming baby with colic and you are there alone what will you do as it drives the sanest person to the brink of despair?
• You may be blessed with a really easy to manage baby but that is only part of the journey
• What are your coping mechanisms and how will they integrate with having a child?...eg constant drinking to numb the pain is not ideal.
• There are many unknowns in life but if you go in with having done as much homework and preparation as possible that is the best anyone can ask of you. Even 'healthy' people have fears... you need to separate what is normal to what is PTSD related fear/concern.

 

[Nicolette]

I love little kids with all my heart

Anthony has two young children and his view was that it was easier to cope with the children as they were "innocent" and you got "enjoyment" back out of them which in itself had a balancing effect such as the unconditional love and acceptance.

Watching him deal with his son from his first marriage (at 16 when we met) and my son from the age of 15 I notice the older they got and more challenging they became, while trying to find their place in the big wide world, his patience was less as there were no offsetting factors.

Without saying anything bad about my husband, I honestly believe he may be able to cope with toddlers and pre-school age children really well but teenagers took their toll on him. It's not bad - it's just a fact.

The problem is when deciding to have a baby you will never have any idea what nature your child will have or how their health will be. Then you also may find that you and your partner may clash over some parenting matters in themselves causing stress and issues despite all the talking prior. It could be something due to your own childhood abuse and then you actually over-compensate and end up with a child who is damaged by no boundaries due to not wanting to discipline etc. There are a load of examples I can think of which would cause a parent with PTSD to act in a manner to protect themselves from triggers which may cause other behavioral problems with the child.

All that being said I know there are some wonderful parents with PTSD who do a better job than ones who are mentally healthy. So it then comes down to the individuals.

From my personal perspective I came to believe that if Anthony and I had a child that the stress wouldn't be worth it. I've been a single mother before and won't be one again as its so hard on both the parent and the child. Not saying Anthony would leave me but I don't know if it was something we would both be able to deal with. Also, considering we would both be in our late 50's when dealing with a teenager turned me off and quite frankly having a teenager in our lives when making such a decision was a great contraceptive.

That being said Anthony is in a much better place now than when I first met him but PTSD and work are enough for me to deal with....... maybe if I was younger or didn't have a child it would be different. Life works in mysterious ways.

 

[Powder]

That's something interesting I've noticed. I certainly had my fair share of therapists, learning specialists, etc through the school system. The vast majority of those who made it their career to help children with special needs didn't have children of their own.

The best parenting I have seen doesn't come from biology but by choice, and it goes out to where it can do the most good. The deepest, most lasting damage does come from those who have total power over children based on our legal system and biology, as if it gives them the right.

Having kids is a challenge to heal at a high level. It is triggering. Just the daily noise levels, smells, and mindless clutter clean up is hard. With PTSD, it is so hard, you need lots of support. When my kids are ill, I am hypervigilant until I have a breakdown, unless they get well in less than three days. That's how long it takes to break me down, I guess.

Since I become a mom, I have not been as afflicted with self destructive thinking. I still have down days, but I am different now. I learned that life is best lived in service to something or someone that you care about more than yourself. A life lived for self is a life wasted on self. But if we don't do self care, we have little to offer. So I see a balancing act that is tough, but necessary if kids are involved.

Those who do not have kids can actually do more good for those kids who really need someone who is there for them, safe, and understanding in a professional capacity.

 

[Philippa]

In my 20's & 30's I watched people I knew having children and it repulsed me. The very thought of being pregnant made me feel ill and when they tried to make me touch their swollen bellies - eeweeeeeeeee :sick: heart started racing and I need to leave the room. The thought of having something growing inside me is grotesque.

I've been through this as well, all through my thirties. Women I know couldn't believe I haven't had kids yet. It's like they can't even conceive of the notion of not wanting to have kids. It's just something you...do. I even had one old man try and tell me there was something wrong with me for deciding against it.

Having kids these days is not something to do without much thought. I worked on my issues for years so I wouldn't burden mine with my parents dysfunction, and then came to the realization that I really didn't want to give up 20+ years of my life for kids!

I want a life! I want to travel and do all the things I want and to be able to sleep! I've seen my girlfriends go insane from lack of support and sleep...no thanks.

There are enough kids in the world.

If I ever do change my mind, I can adopt. There are plenty of kids out there already wanting and needing a family who will love them and not abandon them because the parents were too stupid to not use contraception, or just plain irresponsable.

It doesn't mean that it can't work out and they won't be good parents of course...but if they don't really want kids then chances are the children will suffer unnecessarily because of it.

Whenever I start to cave into the biological and social conditioning instilled in me, I just look at one of my friends who has no life, is going crazy from not being allowed to have a conversation with adult friends, because her daughter demands every single second of her time, and I know I've made the right decision.

I do think that it's a choice though, and if you are determined not to be like your parents were to you, then you can do a great job, with self-awareness and the power of your own decision not to be abusive.

Plenty of people who have come from very abusive backgrounds have proven this to be true. It's only when you are unconscious and not aware of the patterns of abuse that you will inevitably inherit, that it can turn bad.

You sound very conscientious though, so I'm sure you'll do a great job if you do decide to be a parent. All parents are human, and they make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times with their kids. Lack of sleep for years can really change a person, and there is only so much a person can take of constant questions and talking in your ear.

So each to their own. I know society puts pressures on us to conform to "norms", I have lived with the questions and comments, and loosing friendships when the only topic of conversation was "babies".

I've even had a friends' 4 year old ask me "where are your babies?":D

I have a chum who did succumb to the pressure and is deeply unhappy, she hates being a mother and finds it hard to relate to her son. He will be in therapy for a long time to get past his frozen mother.

I think there are many people like this. I have met one or two as well.

They just have kids without really thinking about it or wanting them, and then end up resenting the children for their own mistake! Not to say the children are the mistake, but that they made the mistake in having them in the first place without really wanting them.

So many adults who have come from parents like this who have had major issues in their lives because of thoughtless lack of family planning.

Ironically, I think I would make a great mother...and have had to fight the urge to have babies in my early thirties, when my hormones were going crazy for babies. I was in no condition to bring children into the world and had enough of an issue taking care of myself.