List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Loloma]

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

 

[intothelight]

Stress Management 101

 

[SeekingSerenity]

A bloke was standing at the bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies "What, you mean I'm small and cute?"
He says "No...

I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

 

[source1Glen]

Three pieces of string walking down the road on a hot day decide to stop for a drink.
The first string goes into the bar leaving the other two outside.
"Three beers please" he announces to the barman.
"Read that sign the barman" says pointing behind the bar.
Out loud the string reads, "Pieces of string will not be served in this bar"
The barman says, "Are you a piece of string"
He replies, "Yes".
The barman says, "Get out"

Dejected, the string returns to his friends and explains.
The second string very angerily marches into the bar.
"Three beers NOW please" he announces to the barman.
Read that sign the barman says pointing to the same sign.
Out loud the string reads, "Pieces of string will not be served in this bar"
The barman says, "Are you a piece of string"
He replies, "Yes".
The barman says, "Get out"

The string returns to his friends and explains

The third string frustrated and thirsty, grabs himself, ties himself into a knot and ruffles up his hair and marches in the bar.
'Three beers please" he announces to the barman.
Read that sign the barman says
Out loud the string reads, "Pieces of string will not be served in this bar"
The barman says, "Are you a piece of string"
He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot".

 

[KP the nut]

He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot".

Glen, sad though this may seem. Thank you for putting me out of my misery. I heard this joke years ago and could only remember the last line. I am forwarding it to my H as neither of us could remember it.

 

[Nicolette]

 

[Srain]

 

[Srain]

 

[Srain]

 

[Anna]

Not really a joke but funny anyway :P

 

[popeye]

A guy was driving along a country road and noticed a farmer standing in the middle of his field in the pouring rain. He thought he might be in trouble so he stopped his car and went over and asked if he was okay. The farmer said, "Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to win a Nobel prize." The other guy was really confused. "How exactly?" he asked the farmer. The farmer answers, "I heard they give it to people who are outstanding in their field."

 

[cherryblossom]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me'.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...