Sufferer How Do I Get Rid Of My Father As A Trigger? (car Accident)

[GaleH]

I have a fear of getting in the car. I was in a car accident. The seat was down because I was sleeping from a long (graduate) study night. My father was driving. When we water-planed into the car in front of us on the freeway, I jerked awake. And saw us crash. Our car was totaled. When we got out of the tow truck that took us to a car dealership, I thought immediately: "WOah! I am NOT! getting in another car!" And it was very difficult for me to get in the car. Now when I'm in the car all I see are other cars zooming into me. I guess it is called a flashback. I can't make them go away. I can't stop jiggling my leg too. I have nightmares a lot.

The thing is, is it is hard for me to leave the house. I know PTSD "does" that to you. But I have also been diagnosed with agoraphobia. I live in a remote town. so the only way to get anywhere is to ride with my father out of town for an hour, there is not bus. So I feel stuck. I can't get treatment because I will have a panic attack in the car if I get in it. I am weaning off my medication so I am really feeling the fear of cars more. Does anyone know of some online treatment I can get so I don't have to get in the car? I think my dad himself is a "trigger" for my panic. He reminds me of the accident I guess?I feel VERY scared when he is driving. He gets mad at my back seat driving. Before I was on antidepressants for panic disorder I yelled a lot at him. I was wired from having PTSD. But he is hurt and guilty but I cannot stand being around him for very long. We used to be best pals.

My parents have told me that I am not the same person I used to be. It is hard to tell if this is because of this Post Traumatic Stress or the Traumatic Brain injury or a combination of both. They say I don't hang out with my friends any more. I do have a boyfriend but I avoid the car at all costs. I have quit being a grad student. I do disassociate a lot and stare blankly. My boyfriend is the only one who has noticed it (with the exception of my doctor one time).

How do I stop my dad from being a "trigger"? And How do I get rid of the chronic pain in my neck and complete perhaps an EMDR treatment at home?

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[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry this happened to you. There are others here who have also been in car accident and would probably be able to give you better advice.

Take it easy on yourself.

 

[bitzer]

I feel VERY scared when he is driving ... Traumatic Brain injury ... I do disassociate a lot and stare blankly<Paragraph breaks inserted>

It sounds like your Dad cares about you, and so he won't want you to feel scared. Sure, he feels entitled to drive the way he wants to drive, but his feeling of entitlement will not be more important to him than your very real scared feelings. Your Dad sounds like he might feel a bit defensive about his driving (he probably feels very guilty), and "back seat driving" sounds like it would put anyone on the defensive. Find a way to get him to empathise with your position - share your feeling of scare with him in a hearts and minds way.

Was the "Traumatic Brain injury" from the crash?

People recovering from trauma can dissociate. Have you always dissociated?

 

[GaleH]

Hello, thank you for the comment. Yes ever since the car accident I feel like a different person. I have a hard time feeling connected to people. I never (as far as I know) stared like this. It has been going on for 3 years. Thats interesting that you say it is from the brain injury. I always thought is was the PTSD. Can you tell me more?

 

[bitzer]

... ever since the car accident I feel like a different person ... Thats interesting that you say it is from the brain injury

In what way a different person? I'm guessing you feel more anxious, you perceive danger everywhere, and you have intrusive thoughts about crashes. Any other feelings, perceptions and thoughts? What effect has it had on your beliefs, needs and values?

I can see I used the word "trauma" to mean different things so I get the misunderstanding; I didn't mean to imply that it was from the brain injury. The dissociation is probably from the PTSD. A car crash impinges on our psyche in a number of ways:
- we can dissociate to a "ghost kingdom" where we feel safe
- we can use dissociation to escape from a sense of feeling overwhelmed by people/events into a "ghost kingdom" where we have control of who/what is in control
- if we've lost trust in the environment/people around us we can dissociate to a "ghost kingdom" populated by people we can trust/events that are predictable.
It's a useful defence mechanism in the short-term...

 

[GaleH]

Hmm interesting I have never heard of the ghost kingdom. I knew it was a coping thing. I read that you are supposed to stay in the present. But my present is very boring. I live in a remote town with no bus. I am in the car for 2 hours at least in a day so I do have the talent of daydreaming. I just can't control it at this point. Well everything is very slow in my brain. It takes me like 3 weeks to accomplish something that used to take 3 hours. I seem to be very productive. I also have an impulsive shopping addiction. I suppose I feel lonely because none of my friends and coworkers have any idea how debilitating PTSD is. They expect me to be the person I was before and to get over it. But I'm not. I'm just very emotional and nervous. I think I overheard my boss saying that I was emotionally unstable. My boss said to me: wasnt you accident like years ago? Well it feels like something horrible will happen at any moment. Throughout the year there were a lot of traumatic things that happened that slowed my healing. Shortly after my accident my cat got hit my a car. He was still alive so he was just screaming and screaming and bleeding. He died soon after. Living in a remote town your cat can be your only friend sometimes. Then, my parents brought home a dog that was abused. He had PTSD too from his abuse and viscously attacked my nose. On the was to the hospital we hit a deer (this reinforced my fear of getting int he car). Also, since I had poor judgment, I contacted someone that had raped/stalked me and started hanging out with her (yes her) again. It was awful. She has NPD.

Beliefs, needs, values: I feel very frightened and unsafe. Like a small child. I feel like I need someone to nurture me because I can barely figure out how to make a meal. Each daily task takes an insane amount of cognitive energy. I believe something negative about myself that I need to heal like they tell you in EMDR sessions. But I can't pin point what that is. Perhaps I feel that I am lazy and careless because if I had just done my graduate homework earlier I wouldnt have had the seat back to sleep which is why my injury is so bad. the seat wasnt up.

One therapist told me that I am "in the car with a lion", that is, I should be afraid in the car because I told her my dad has sleep apnea and doesnt use the proper breathing equip. to have enough oxygen when he sleeps. And right before the accident he had a bunch of blood drawn because he has diabetes.

I think that because of my brain injury, When I was doing EMDR I could barely communicate let a lone understand everything that in being said. When there are 2+ people in the room it just sounds like gibberish and I get very agitated. Also I am so sensitive to sounds and light I can't go out anywhere because it is too unpleasant.

 

[bitzer]

Throughout the year there were a lot of traumatic things that happened that slowed my healing ... I contacted someone that had raped/stalked me ... I feel very frightened and unsafe ... I believe something negative about myself ... Perhaps I feel that I am lazy and careless because if I had just done my graduate homework earlier I wouldnt have had the seat back to sleep which is why my injury is so bad. the seat wasnt up

GaleH, you have four major traumas there: the crashes, being attacked by a dog, the traumatic way your cat died, being raped. IMHO it will take years to get over this. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself that the seat was down; I have done that so many times (even knowing the risk).

It's just my opinion, but you seem to me to be demonstrating a number of behaviours that indicate trauma in very early childhood.

As I understand it, EMDR is designed to work with explicit memories, but there are no explicit memories with early childhood trauma...

You say, "When there are 2+ people in the room it just sounds like gibberish and I get very agitated. Also I am so sensitive to sounds and light I can't go out anywhere because it is too unpleasant". You might want to experiment with finding a harmless way of being in control of who is in control. For example, wearing mirrored sunglasses so people can't see where you are looking (I'm in control), or reading a book/watching TV when people are talking (the book/TV is in control).

 

[GaleH]

Thank you those are great suggestions. As for early trauma, the only thing I can think of is the fact that my mother has borderline personality disorder. Which comes from being raped when she was younger. So in raising me she was quite distant and disassociated her self so we never bonded. She would get very angry a lot too for no good reason (she was probably overwhelmed). I read that my depersonalization disorder can come from a lack of an attachment style--a biological bonding that is supposed to develop in early childhood. But I'm not sure I have all these coping skills quite yet.

 

[bitzer]

... my mother has borderline personality disorder ... she was quite distant and disassociated her self so we never bonded ... my depersonalization disorder ... But I'm not sure I have all these coping skills quite yet.

Having a mother with BPD will probably have left you with a pronounced knee-jerek response and hypervigilance around rejection. If someone rejects you (or even if you reject someone else) do you get a profoundly uncomfortable feeling of loneliness/unworthiness?

You're not sure you have which coping skills yet?

 

[GaleH]

hmm, I definitely do not like rejection. Lets see. I live out in the middle of nowhere so I only hang out with my parents. I'm very homesick and lonely in that way. Since I was moved out to a small town when I was in 6th grade, and was sorta rejected by the town as a whole (called a move-in, etc) I didn't have many friends for several years so that is lonely. I definitely get very sad if I am rejected and feel worthless. yes.

Well, I don't quite know how to cope with PTSD, my boyfriend that has OCD, my brain injury, my boyfriends father with NPD, grief, etc.

Oh and my mother's BPD. I never know what to do I am walking on eggshells with her. I think I will also join a forum for BPD at some point

 

[bitzer]

Thinking of you

 

[GaleH]

I am totally noticing the loneliness/rejection connection now! Haha. I guess I don't have any skill on what to do when a trigger comes up. Any ideas? Thank you