Learning to tame the inner critic with cptsd.

[Tinyflame]

That's right AKJ, I forgot to do that one.
My problem is I can go from 0-to-60 in a millisecond, not panic but SI etc.
And like he said, ~supprressed left-brain function, at the worst of times can't 'remember' (good) memories.

However, I was thinking what is truly great (for all of us, I hope), is that to recognize it's there doesn't change anything (it's there, anyway- doesn't make it worse), it just helps identify what it may be and where it's coming from.

I never considered my childhood, in so far as I thought I was responsible for all of it, and therefore also to blame.

 

[QuietLight]

My husband has been trying to help me with my inner critic. He has put it in an interesting view....he states to me, pull out that drill sergeant that when I get that nasty inner critic attacking me. That Drill Sergeant, I must use as the, hey, Get Out. You are not part of this mechanism. You don't make the troop flow properly. I have yet to take that advice. Best I do is, every once in a while, oh, you Ms. Negative inside...Swoosh...You just aren't allowed on my turf.

However, wish I did it each time. This is the hardest part of my walk. As my husband says, the only one criticizing me is me. And I do such a great job at it I've convinced myself I am pathetic. Lucky I have this man next to me...he puts so much into perspective for me...the only problem is myself...who while I can be quite objective sometimes, it just takes one little spark to get that nasty critic going a billion fold in my head crushing me down!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I always thought of it as running yourself down, but my IC is so accomplished it can go straight to the self-destructive 'feelings' without the 'thoughts'. Yikes.

 

[QuietLight]

LOL. Oh, the twin effect is in place here! I found my twin!

Yup! I guess it is so habitual and become such a way to live - defeating that irritating IC has become crushing boulders upon us. So lets make a deal. When we hear it...lets put up our shields and pull out that sword and start swinging at it! (Easier said than done...) No, I rinig that ( statement...) It IS easy. Repeat, it IS easy! :)

 

[Hashi]

I've only been able to skim through the article and this thread because it's a bit of a concentration challenge.

What I've picked up is a lot of determination, counter-challenging and fighting. I realise that may be useful for others, but it isn't for me. A couple of people here have mentioned understanding and compassion and that resonates much more.

As an example, I recently talked with my T about a checking compulsion that I have, and I was really down on myself for it - saying I know it's stupid, normal people don't do this, etc. (Comparing myself to "normal people" is my favourite way to attack myself.) My T asked me to look at it as method of coping with anxiety and to think about whether I might be using other, more harmful methods if I didn't have this one. I've thought about this a lot, and started to understand the compulsion, see it's purpose and forgive myself for it. This has helped a lot more than my previous approach of trying to will myself to accept it without getting angry about it, because that's how it is.

I'm finding something similar learning DBT skills, too. You acknowledge that you had a reason for a behaviour or way of thinking, and you can choose to work on changing without judging yourself for it. The way you work on it isn't through confronting or battling it, but through things like awareness, distracting yourself and giving yourself alternatives.

In the end, we're all aiming for the same thing and it's important to have whatever approach works for us. I like what Louise Hay says about how we can think self-criticism is a type of discipline, to help us improve on our faults, but that's a myth - "You've been criticising yourself for years and you haven't changed".

 

[freakofnurture]

That article made me cry. There's so much in there that describes how it feels to be me. It made me realise that I am constantly fighting emotional flashbacks. And then the cycle the article details, how trying to resist the Inner Critic can send you straight down into emotional hell by activating more and more self-destructive patterns of thought and emotion.

Right now I'm in a place where it is less painful to just let the Inner Critic talk and only counter it by distracting myself with other, neutral thoughts. I can't even acknowledge that I find the IC's talk hurtful because then... WHAM! he pulls out the huge guns and rips me to pieces with one single blast.

Conversely when I did something well or I am just please with myself, I have to keep that at the purely emotional level and not acknowledge it by any thoughts. Because my IC has tapped my thoughts and as soon as he hears certain words he'll send his SWAT-team over to kick in my door and show me who's the boss.

I hope this is just a short intermezzo of hypercriticism. I still have to find 49 more things I like about myself until my list is complete.

My old T described the Inner Critic as my Inner Monster whose job it is to protect me, actually; it's just that because of the crazy situation I grew up in, that it had to do crazy things in order to keep me relatively safe. And now it's so used to the crazy that it has a really hard time to re-learn how to protect me. He's a very scared monster.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh dear Hashi, I thoroughly agree! I could not have withstood any more 'negativity', and certainly have neither felt anger nor determination. More like "Hey..!", a lightbulb, and relief.

But were it not for understanding and compassion, of others because I certainly didn't afford it to myself, well I guess I'd be dead (seriously not exagerating). I rejected myself, there was agreement I shouldn't be 'here', also, so without any support of being told I 'should be here' I am sure the outcome would have been only more negative.
It even occurred to me, I don't accept compliments or have any feeling of 'successes', on my own, either, I just say "Thank you" but don't believe it or it doesn't internalize. The only time I trust it is different is if I trust the feedback of someone more than my IC.

FON, I do understand- I think I have 97 left. But then again, we have to start somewhere- baby steps.

I think I understand one thing, personally. Fortunately for me my parents were wonderful people, but they also did the best they could with the tools and resources they had at the time. They both had histories of trauma, and our own family went through many, many traumas. It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through traumas, but some things inevitably 'have to' get lost in the process of surviving. Sort of like a family that survives a hurricane, or a war zone. You just do the best you can during it. Everyone suffered, sacrificed, were affected (I know now) in profound ways. (I mean, when stuff like that is going on, who isn't thankful their kid is out-of-sight-out-of-mind, not a problem, can take care of themself? I think I understand now there is such a thing as 'too good'. If a kid never expresses any problems or any thing they're feeling (sad, afraid etc), something is wrong.)

I just realize now, I guess I thought I could, I was aware and had an IC that condemned reaching out, or emotions, or verbalizing, and maybe rewarded the opposite. It was actually because I didn't 'tell' what others also did, that exacerbated it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, I think it sets up an impossible scenario when a child feels required to keep secrets. Not just what happens to them but others' secrets.

Not sure how an IC is useful, beyond (trying) to establish some control or predictability at that time.

 

[ericaboo]

I've been working on this idea for many years - first learning not to curse myself out loud, then trying to stop doing it in my head.

I thought I had it conquered to a large degree, but it runs so deep. So much deeper than I ever thought possible, influencing my decisions and emotions on a constant basis.

I liked the article because it was very clear - smack you in the face - logic. That's the best kind in my world because I can usually "think" my way around anything.

I don't know anything about the author really, or his overall approach, but I loved the link that was shared - thanks so much for that. Good Stuff.

 

[shell]

While I liked the article, putting it into practice is another thing entirely.

I struggle to find compassion for the little girl that I once was, to do that I would have to find acceptance and be willing to acknowledge that she was really part of me. I look at photo's of me as a child, but it seems like it's just a photo of someone else child, not someone I once was. Maybe to do that, I would have to get over the anger I seem to be directing at her.

The only way I'm able to do that is to pretend she is the child of someone else, and then I can feel sad and angry on her behalf.

As for having self pity, when sulking or having resentment or self pity on your face can result in another beating, as a child you soon learn not to feel sorry for yourself. It's engrained, how do you undo years of damage when it's so instinctive. For me self pity was dangerous.

 

[Philippa]

While I liked the article, putting it into practice is another thing entirely.

Oh sure. No one is saying it is a walk in the park. As most people here have stated, they find it immensely difficult to tame the beast that is the inner critic. But that's the challenge if you want to start creating a more functional and kinder self-dialogue with yourself...and it's possible. I think that is encouraging.

I struggle to find compassion for the little girl that I once was, to do that I would have to find acceptance and be willing to acknowledge that she was really part of me.

Everyone finds it hard to find compassion for themselves. I felt it for the first time in literally ten years the other day when my friend sent me this link and I was able to cry for the first time in ages.

I look at photo's of me as a child, but it seems like it's just a photo of someone else child, not someone I once was. Maybe to do that, I would have to get over the anger I seem to be directing at her.

Have you tried art therapy, using your non-dominant hand to paint or draw your feelings onto paper? That can be a great and useful tool for getting in touch with the inner child, and creating a safe space for dialogue to occur.

I'm sure she is quite scared to come out though, if you are directing anger at her. I'm not sure what I can suggest to help overcome this, but maybe you will come to a way yourself in time?

The only way I'm able to do that is to pretend she is the child of someone else, and then I can feel sad and angry on her behalf.

I guess whatever works.

As for having self pity, when sulking or having resentment or self pity on your face can result in another beating, as a child you soon learn not to feel sorry for yourself. It's engrained, how do you undo years of damage when it's so instinctive. For me self pity was dangerous.

Hey, I may not have had regular beatings, but I definitely recognized the look of disgust and disapproval on their faces when I did feel sorry for myself, which triggered my people pleaser to try and gain their approval by being as perfect as I could be.

I once had wild ambitions to save the whole world, because I thought that would make me perfect in the eyes of my father, and he would finally love me. That's how deluded I was. Being Atlas at age 15 upwards is a lot of pressure for a kid. I'm glad I was finally able to see through that and how ridiculous it is for anyone to expect perfection on a child, or themselves.

We're all perfectly imperfect.

I don't know that you can undo years of deeply engrained beliefs like that, but you can definitely remind yourself that you are no longer in that environment and those people are no longer able to affect you that way unless you put yourself in their company.

I think when we are alone, and able to start reaching into ourselves, and allowing ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling, that self-pity rears up inevitably, and it's good to remind ourselves when it does, that there is no wrong emotion to have.

Every emotion has some sort of wisdom for us to learn from, so spending time alone is a good way to practise allowing ourselves that freedom, at last.

 

[Garblefraz]

maddog - I can relate and I think it is all too easy to understate one's own expertise, experiences and opinion when it comes to personal growth. I heard a great little tidbit the other day "all advice is autobiographical."

I don't think that means discounting other people's opinions wholesale, but I'm not sure where the healthy middle ground is either xD

rowean - it terrifies me too. Impossible to understate how much it terrifies me sometimes.