Why Does Being Praised Feel So Bad?

[Queen Boudica]

Lots of comments here I am so familiar with. Praise is just so alien. It is not for me. To deny those self doubts and actually accept any form of praise feels so wrong. I want to but I just can't, something holds me back.

And it does become embarassing when someone praises me because I feel I have to say thankyou and acknowledge their praise, but that also feels awkward because I feel dishonest because I don't really believe them. I really really want to but I just can't.

Someone praised me the other day about something (and I won't even write about what she praised me about because that would seem like I am boasting) She was so gushing with her praise and I really really want it to be true but it just seems so incredible to me that it could be true. My only thought is that maybe if there were a hundred other people saying the same thing, then, maybe, just maybe I would believe it.

Maybe it is like Dr Phil says "It takes a thousand 'ata boys, to make up for one "you're worthless" kind of comment. And I probably had at least a thousand of the you're worthless comments, so it would take a million ata boys to make me feel even the slightest bit worthy of praise.

 

[shell]

Receiving praise makes me cringe, it means that someone noticed me, something I will do anything to avoid.

My new therapist said how well I was doing in talking about things I tried to avoid, I felt like such a fraud, I knew I had been switching off emotions again so I could talk about things I didn't want to. Having him tell me how brave I was totally freaked me, he saw the look on my face and said that I need to be kinder to myself.
After a life time of being criticized it feels so uncomfortable to have someone assessing me, even if it is positive.

 

[angel2write]

I'm relating to some of this. Especially where people are talking about feeling like if people really knew what I was like, they wouldn't praise me.

Part of it may be that if someone praises me for something, I'm afraid they're going to expect me to keep it up. And I'm not sure I can.

Part of it may be that I feel like I've done so many bad things for so long that anything good I do barely makes up for the bad. So I sure don't deserve praise for anything I manage to do right.

I guess that's what it boils down to. I don't feel like I deserve it, so I don't want it. So... it's just another self esteem problem, I guess. :notworthy: Need to keep working on that.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Maybe it is like Dr Phil says "It takes a thousand 'ata boys, to make up for one "you're worthless" kind of comment. And I probably had at least a thousand of the you're worthless comments, so it would take a million ata boys to make me feel even the slightest bit worthy of praise.

This makes sense to me! It seems to be a common feeling among us. Whether the 'you're worthless' was spoken, or implied by neglect, we absorbed that belief.

We need people around us who are saying 'ata boy/girl, and not people who are looking for a weakness to attack.

 

[stuff]

Praise is quite possibly the hardest thing on earth for me. Being praised for things makes me feel suicidal. I am a performer, and a relatively "good" one, so it's something I have to struggle with on a regular basis. I've done a lot of EMDR and CBT for it, but it's still there like razor blades. Finishing a show and having people want to come and talk to me or compliment me afterwards is so harrowing I don't even have words for it. It makes me want to cry and die, and I feel like I don't deserve to exist as a human being. I usually manage to keep it together, and spend a lot of time hiding on stage fiddling with equipment or sneaking out a back door. Basically, anything that will allow me to escape as much of it as I possibly can. I never really understood why I felt this way, but I got a lot of praise followed by backstabbing/emotional abuse for my achievements as a kid, and I went through a lot of pressure and manipulation as a classical musician when I was in my teens and early twenties. I think the main problem with my music is that singing is what got me through my painful traumas. I never felt like it was ok to cry so I would go somewhere no one could hear me and sing and let the tears go. When I get on stage people are affected by the emotions I can express, and I've even been known to move people to tears, which is normally something that most singers would love to be able to do, but for me, I feel like I am pouring all my pain out in front of 200 strangers, and then they are complimenting the horrors I have been through without knowing it. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's what I feel every time someone says, "you have a beautiful voice." And yet, I still keep f*&cking doing it for the small moments when I'm actually singing and feel kind of free. It's like beating my face against a concrete wall.

 

[jeapea]

Not only is it difficult to accept praise, or compliments, but my physical discomfort usually brings up questions and I withdraw even further and I feel like I'm turning inside out! I hate hearing 'What's wrong with you?' or 'Can't you just take a compliment?!' I don't have an answer for that. I don't know what's wrong with me. I never know what to say. Then the criticism starts and I get defensive and angry.

 

[Jezzryn]

I can relate. While I know logically that I must have some good qualities, that I have to be good or better at some things than average and even if I want or crave confirmation of that, when I get praised I immediately begin to tear any praise apart, putting myself down. I always find fault in what I do, or find my accomplishments lacking. It's never good enough. I am never good enough. And I always fear that people will see that or that they grow sick of me and I will be all alone.

Again. It is sadly true, that I can not accept good things said about me, because I cant see any in myself. I fear that pushes people away or gets on their nerves, but I can't help it. Wish I could.

Even on the good days... I might initially accept a good thing, maybe be even proud of something I did, but shortly after, I tear it down again.

And when people say: You're too hard on yourself, accept that you did good, it doesn't help. I know I am too hard on myself in my brain, only not really. I always expect better from me. It is depressing and exhausting, because I try again and again to make it better, to make it perfect, but... Well... that is just not gonna happen. I wont ever be perfect and... I kind of just can't love myself like I am, because I think I am horrible, that I need to be better and without faults, or be more like this or like that. And I have no idea how to fix this. And I hate being stuck in this loop.

<paragraph breaks inserted by cherryblossom>

 

[angel2write]

I kind of just can't love myself like I am, because I think I am horrible, that I need to be better and without faults, or be more like this or like that. And I have no idea how to fix this.

I think we're all trying to be "perfect" so we won't get hurt any more. It's hard to believe that you might be grown up and in a world where you won't be torn to pieces for making the slightest mistake... The sad part is where we've taken over the abuser's role and punish ourselves for our mistakes, even when they're not around any more.

 

[the9menintheband]

I hate it when my parents praise me because it's demeaning. Good dog. You did what we wanted to. That's why we're going to praise you. Parental love isn't something that's earned. It's supposed to be there without jumping through hoops or trying to be perfect...I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong and unconditional love doesn't exist.

 

[Eleanor]

PTSDsufferer posted a couple of video's of talks by Brene Brown that seem relevant to this discussion - just thought I'd point to them... they are on shame, and the second one addresses perfectionism in a way I hadn't heard of before... They are in the media library (which I didn't really realize existed until just now!)

 

[Jen93]

I think they just say that stuff because they are trying to find something nice to say instead of telling me how horrible I am. Or, I think it isn't true, or I don't deserve it. :cry:

I've noticed that I don't like being praised either- I was put down so often, that now I think that it's deserved, and that anything opposite to being snapped at or yelled at is abnormal. I often feel that people feel sorry for me- I can't help but think that my friends are only there for me because I'm a loner and they feel bad about it- like "they're the good friends- I'm not" type of thing. It's easier for me to discount anything good I do, and praise others instead- I think it's part of some type of defence mechanism, like Stockholm Syndrome? :confused: Maybe? Correct me if I'm wrong here?

Receiving praise makes me cringe, it means that someone noticed me, something I will do anything to avoid.

I'm the same way. I strive so often to try to blend in, to hide in the background. When I was abused I was picked out of the background so that people would have someone to be mean to, to pick on, to blame, and so on. Now, when someone picks me out of the background to say something positive about my essay work, or praises me for something like "Thanks Jen for emptying the dishwasher for me, you're a good girl." I feel like I'm being put into a spotlight all over again. It was often a spotlight of negativity- now it's a spotlight of positivity- but my brains been wired so that whenever I'm in any spotlight, to react to it as if it were negative.

 

[angel2write]

It's supposed to be there without jumping through hoops or trying to be perfect...I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong and unconditional love doesn't exist.

No, you're right. That's how it's supposed to be. Whether we, as flawed humans, ever achieve true unconditional love is debatable. But some parents don't even try. They use love only as a reward for the behavior they want.

It's like withholding air until your kid is "good enough to deserve it."