Why Does Being Praised Feel So Bad?

[Tinyflame]

I think my best Prof was humble, open to all with his dialogue, good sense of humour, self-disclosed a lot, was a quick talker, thought out loud and 'winged-it', sometimes, very well read and educated, not afraid to say he didn't know the answer or was wrong.

It didn't make me speak up more, but his class was great and I wasn't afraid to ask him a question one-on-one. Remember asking him (fast) about 4 or 5 questions or so after a very long (125 question exam), he reversed the answers to what I provided (he asked what my reasoning was), and gave the whole class about 5 or 6 bonus marks.

I agree with Heather, totally. How does one get a voice? Very difficult to answer.

(PS- I am sure you are a fantastic educator Eleanor, I have absolutely no doubt. Even to ask the question shows it. :) )

 

[heather q]

Yes, about the PS, I thought about that too, as I finished my spiel, wow, you said what I left out, thanks

 

[Tinyflame]

:tup: I'll cover your brain, if you cover mine (though that's twice as much work for you. :eek::laugh:)

(Besides which, you did 'meat and potatoes', I just covered salad. :) )

 

[heather q]

Hardly, was it not a few hours ago you saved my life? :devilish:

Got to walk the dog, can you get that for me? :cool:

OK, I'll do it :poop:

 

[Tinyflame]

No.. mine needs to go with yours! :eek: :)

 

[Eleanor]

Perfectly clear Heather, and Junebug.

I do most of that - the prepping in advance and being consistent, is not my strong point, I'd have to know what was going to happen from class to class! But judgment I rarely do (except when people are mean, then I ask them to leave, which almost never happens, like once ever.)

I do a lot of small group work and then we "debrief" at the end. And the groups rotate randomly, so by a quarter of the way through the semester everyone has had a chance to talk to everyone. I believe that people learn by relating what is new to them to things they already know, and that our brains most easily arrange and retrieve new information in the framework of narratives (thank you Don whats your name, first producer of Sixty Minutes whose bottom line rule was "tell me a story.") So I give students permission and encouragement to relate what we are reading to their lives. I also don't give exams. I am bad at writing them and I loathe reading them. They don't seem to me to be a particularly good way of evaluating student learning in my field.

I am trying to incorporate non-violent communication into my teaching - which separates observation, evaluation, requests, feelings and needs very clearly. And doesn't do much in the way of judgment in the problematic areas, or worse "diagnoses" (although I do do that sometimes "You seem like you might be a perfectionist, and it is making your life harder. Here is some information that might help..." kind of thing, mostly with less tact, but I'm working on it. "AHA! You are a perfectionist, welcome to the club." would be more my actual style :eek: )

Teachers are often harder on students they think will be discriminated against in the future - and on the ones they think have particular talent - I suspect, heather, that you fell into both groups with him. Sounds like the method/pedagogy sucked for you, but the intent was good. Very brave of you to take the ride too!

Thanks guys, it helps to have a clearer picture of what is almost certainly going on for some of my students.

 

[NarcSis]

I do definitely have a hard time with praise, I always have, it preceeded my trauma, simply because when I do something, I devalue it automatically - I use comparison thinking and end up devaluing my efforts. It's very common, I don't think there is anyone out there who doesn't do this. I was raised with the value that you don't gloat, you don't brag and you certainly don't put other people down because you are 'better' or have more, so it does make it very hard to accept praise.

 

[Eleanor]

So, all of this raises an interesting question: What ARE we supposed to feel when we are justly praised for doing a good job? I find I don't really know... The urge to run away and hide just doesn't seem like the right answer.:D

 

[heather q]

Eleanor, I like your question, What are we supposed to feel when we are justly praised for doing a good job?

I remember, not long ago a supervisor went totally overboard with her praise when people were just doing their job, I flipped my lid, a little. I can't remember the details or wording right now.

Because she said... some other workers slacked off and it caused me problems, they took it as though they were exceeding expectations and could cut down, so they did and I couldn't get them to budge because the supervisor had lowered their expectations of themselves, without intending to, I suspect.

Unfortunately my response came out too quickly, I sharply said 'I'm just doing what I'm paid to do' she didn't know what to say, but she did stop 'overboard' praise, thankfully. I was angry when she said that, because clearly she was being manipulative and didn't have a clear idea of what was going on, it was also a bit political I think.

Recognition might be better than praise, praise is whoop-ti-do, by that I mean, it comes from the judge/superior therefore clanks of manipulation to me, this came from the mac dictionary, find the right word: If your dog sits when you tell him to sit, you'll want to praise him for his obedience. Praise is a general term for expressing approval, esteem, or commendation that usually suggests the judgment of a superior.

So I think it's a built in set-up, difficult to avoid. Being recognized for doing good work feels different, so justly praised, I'm not sure where that sits. Acknowledgement, valid contribution, acceptance strike me as more meaningful and lasting, but that is wishful thinking, do it my way...

So what are we supposed to feel? We are supposed to be happy, thankful, appreciative, but I don't think it works, we don't know what the expectations of the praiser are so we are left with discomfort, suspicion and whatever else, while we put on a smile because that is what we are supposed to do, leaves a taste of needing to avoid.

This is probably verging on cynical, so I'll quit

On the other hand, maybe it's more simple and some people can accept nice, honest, suitable praise that is due and appropriate and is what fits what's going on.

I think I scan for appropriateness, manipulation and perhaps unknown others, without my knowledge, all so that I can fit things into my field of view, so that I recognize and keep my current beliefs about myself. I think we all do this, it keeps us who we are and keeps us stuck in our operating modes without us knowing that we 'do' it to ourselves. This of course is the big question, I believe.

Eleanor, you ask such big questions, on the other, other hand, I have been told I make too big a deal of everything and that I think too much, but then that's what I like about me and I like your questions because you allow me to be me, which I appreciate muchly.

Thanks,
Heather

 

[BigBear]

I think that one of the twists to people who have been abused by hyper controlling people is that the praise is a manipulation. If you are gigged that way too many times, you loose the ability to see true praise for what it is...

Bear

 

[heather q]

Bear,

I have a problem with: 'you loose the ability to see true praise for what it is'

That infers or sort of says that true praise is valued higher, and is not questionable, how can you tell 'true praise?' from praise or untrue praise???

That kind of makes me slide out of wanting to learn more, because I don't understand and I feel more vulnerable to my ignorance, and even bringing up the question, I feel the need to shutdown and go away.

That it is obvious to everyone else and I'm stupid to need to ask the question, and I feel the backlash-from myself, my own IC, inner critic for saying as much, it, my IC is on Standby Mode and very alert to all, right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Even though I can accept praise, it doesn't feel like me. I get compliments and I have a real hard time seeing I deserve the praise. Although a simple thank you acknowledes it and closes the deal so to speak, I do not feel I deserve it. I wonder what that is all about. This is a great thread and got me to thinking about it.

I do trust the people complimenting me because these are the people I need and want in my life. They are safe people with excellent boundries. My sponser compliments me alot. It doesn't seem to be that big of a thing.

Here are some of the things she has complimented me on.
I arranged our sale of our house by myself.
I arranged for the movers to come and pack us up and move us.
I accomplished the move on my own.
While caregiving for my husband.
She said I should be proud of what I have accomplished.

To me it does'nt seem to be that big of an acomplishment. I have a real hard time seeing what she sees in me. I say a simple I thank you, and it ends the praise. It accepts what she had to say to me. I don't ivalidate what she had to say. I did'nt minimize it. I did'nt deny it. I did'nt rationalize it away. I simply accepted it. I wish I could take real praise like a great big hug to my self esteem. I see the good in others and tell them, I am sincere, and I mean it. I always feel sad when someone can't take a compliment. I see it as a way to be hard on oneself. To deprive oneself from the good stuff of life.

I wonder what would happen if more people simply said thank you and recieved it as a simple kindness?