Healing From Torture

[Elizabeth-Ann]

(((Shell))))

In my case it was not a person I loved who did this to me but people I do not know. I think it is worse if it is a person you love.

I cannot write here about what happened exactly because of the rule of the thread - if I understand correctly. This helps me in a way to stay here.

One day, I hope, I will start my trauma-diary.

 

[Hashi]

Elizabeth-Ann, I'm glad you have such a careful and patient Psy. I'm so sorry you fainted, but I can understand it.

I'm also starting to tell my therapist (I've only been seeing her for a short time) and it's really difficult. And grim. I'm finding it surreal spending the day working and chatting with my colleagues, then leaving for therapy for this, then being back at work the next day as if nothing has happened.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I think it is worse if it is a person you love.

I agree with a lot you have written Elizabeth-Ann. This comment is something that I feel I must say something about...

My purps were people known to me and not known to me. I often beat myself up about not 'seeing' things. I realised that, I never really knew them and there was no way I could have known, them.

Whether the purp was a person known to us, or not known to us, does not make the feelings, torture and suffering of their victims worse or better than another. We all have different stories, how it made, and makes, us feel is what is important and we are all equal in our suffering and united in surviving.

Be careful about 'lessening' or 'minimising' what you went through and how it made/ makes you feel. I did this, and it did not help me heal. Who 'they' are does not matter because no one should ever have been through what we have.

'Linking Arms With All of You' xxoo

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Be careful about 'lessening' or 'minimising' what you went through and how it made/ makes you feel. I did this, and it did not help me heal.

Thank you so much! You are right. I am doing this all the time in my heart and was not aware of it. I will talk about this point this week in therapy.

It is really difficult to me these first months of therapy. Hope it gets better with the time. I feel so fragile, so lost and fearful, really scared to let go of my (false) securities. I am so scared to admit that it was terrible what I went through. :cry:

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

I started to talk...! I let go in therapy and cried.

Yesterday, I wrote finally some phrases just after a heavy flash back. Nearly impossible to read my handwritig. But I brought it to therapy today. Not able to read it aloud, my Psy asked me if I want him to read it silently. I accepted. He said nothing, was just there. I felt safe.

So after a long silence I could talk about what I wrote. Not "what" I wrote but about it. Slowly I approached the point and then, at once, I was talking freely. It was so hard but at the same time amazing. It was like a door that had opened. I cried and shaked, but in my suffering I still felt safe.

At one point I said "sorry" - crying. He just said softly: you dont have to apologize... I continued to talk. It was terrible and good at the same time.

After a moment, I felt that it was enough. I brought a foto from a person who was with me that time and I showed him the photo, changing the subject freely, taking control again and we talked for a moment very relaxed. I said good bye with a smile.

It was so good to "prepare" a subject that would relaxe the situation. I felt that I had a possiblity to escape, to stop when I choose to. I was not afraid to loose myself when aproaching my deep feelings. That was very good and gave me enough strenght and security to "jump" into the cold water.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, shell, PTSD sufferer, Nadia, gizmo and all of you!

Be safe!

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Hashi, how are you doing? Hugs and thanks for your thread!

 

[KP the nut]

(((Elizabeth-Ann))), it is so important to have a T in which you can trust, I'm so pleased you have found her. You are doing great, be proud of yourself and reward yourself with something nice.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

Thank you so much, KP! Surprisingly it is a "he"... :D

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Well done Elizabeth-Ann! I am so proud of you! xxoo

 

[PTSD sufferer]

It was determined that I had suffered a stroke many years ago. I can not prove it, but I believe it had to have been from that day.

Irs, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can relate to you and want you to know that you are not alone. It has taken me a while to quote your post as it was challenging for me to read...

I also have a few physical symptoms of a neurological nature that I believe are trauma/ torture related.

Last week I was hospitalised after visiting the A&E complaining of electric shocks down the left side of my body. I had another brain MRI, an EKG and various other tests. They thought I was having a mini-stroke. I am ok thank goodness - although a tad angry the world.

I believe these physical symptoms can only be explained by 'torture' as during specific incidents, I also had neurological symptoms - such as Catatonia states.

You are surviving, your father did not succeed, and you are alive today. That is something to be proud of and a right kick in the balls for him if you ask me. xxoo

 

[KP the nut]

Surprisingly it is a "he"... :D

So was mine :D

 

[maddog]

Wow, Elizabeth-Anne, I think you have experienced the true painful wonder of good therapy with a good therapist. I am so glad for your experience. And yes, not surprising to me that "she" is a "he" - so is mine, the good "he" therapists are out there, and they're darn good!

Maddog