Sufferer Hi

[ptsDana]

I'm not ready yet..

 

[Rob_Dog19]

That's ok. Whenever you feel like you are, we'll be here :)

 

[Srain]

Welcome ptsDana, when you are ready :)

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome ptsDana!

This is great... you already wrote something... There is no need to write down everything about yourself. We're a very accepting and diverse group. If you look around the boards, I bet you can find people with whom you can relate more directly.

Hope you enjoy the forum!

 

[ptsDana]

Thanks, I have already found lots of useful information and comfort through this forum. I have never been a member of anything like this online, but I feel this is a great place to start.

 

[a3a2]

Welcome, Dana. This is the first and only forum of which I have been a member as well.

 

[AliveInside]

Hi Dana, give yourself time. You are capable and able to do amazing things, don't forget this.

 

[ptsDana]

How can I make my posts on the forum private to non-members? I googled my forum name and it shows my posts to everyone on the internet even after changing my settings.. suggestions?

 

[anthony]

Hi,

The forum is public, thus anonymity of a username and using no names to identify yourself with.

The forum also has member only areas, some paid, some free.

 

[ptsDana]

Ok. :( Well silly me I told one person what my username was and not that they'd look, but it is the internet. Thanks. I'll use a filter.

 

[ptsDana]

Well, the problems I am having and noticing more and more by the day since I graduated high school is extreme flirtatiousness, promiscuity, and unfaithfulness.. self-deprecation, anxiety, and the knowledge that I have never had a true friend.. later also escapism through substances, excessive destructive behavior, and a general feeling of hate for mostly myself as well as the world that I grew up and continue to live in without choice. Also, I am completely incapable of a normal relationship with another human being.

I am neither conceited nor superficial as far as I know, but I am very beautiful; sexuality is a well mastered gift/trade of mine; and I also have many other wonderful qualities that cause people, mostly men to gravitate towards me. But, I have a low self esteem and have been patterned to give in to their lust for me because it is the only thing that just for that moment I feel ok, like I'm good at something or that I need them to like/love me to do so for myself... then back to shit when I realize I've lost something of myself in the experience. Unfortunately, my sex drive is insatiable. I am so accustomed to pain, I hurt myself and others for fun or for lack of control, physically or psychologically. My impulses leave me in the worst imaginable situations. I have only had three boyfriends, all were long term and I lived with two of my ex's. I have never been loyal, and could never be honest. The third I tried to warn but to no avail. He is still with me inexplicably, but currently beyond unresponsive.

So, I like women.. for sex. I could never date one but I love them. They're beautiful. But, I have a very hard time befriending them because growing up with 5 older boys, 1 brother and 4 cousins.. two of which repeatedly abused me; I am very masculine in nature and gravitate towards men and vice versa. I get along with them better. My problem is, any guy friend I have ever had, if given the remotest of inklings that maybe 'oh she may think I'm cute or something' even if I'm just simply being nice and cordial, would drop their pants right there despite any consequesces that honestly they rarely get..

My question is how can I find friends that I can trust to not fall in love with me, take advantage, or instantly stop talking to me as soon as I mention I'm taken. It hurts too much. I am now almost completely alone because I don't know how to create and actually enforce boundaries. It seems so easy for everyone else, "just slap him and say no!..." I cant. Everyone is just so sickeningly nice to me. Everyone is fake, and I am just an object. I used to forgive myself by rationalizing thinking I was a gift, why not share it if it pleases them?.. My disgust with this burden of humanity's immorality and deceptive nature (myself of course included), and my sickness and/or addiction has gone way too far. Please, help. Online friends are my only hope now. They have to take me at face value (anti-pun lol).

 

[bethinhfx]

For one thing, I would take a look at the fact that you may be attracting what you have become. If people are treating you like an object it is because you are treating yourself like one. I have had a lot of the same problems and its taken me a long time to become a different person. I went through a really hard time in the last couple of years because I am getting older and couldn't find a job so suddenly I was very poor. I experienced a lot of rejection because I was always "that beautiful girl" and suddenly I wasn't beautiful anymore. Holy wake-up call. I didn't have safe place to live; was unemployed; CRYING all of the time because of issues and PTSD; my reputation in tatters because of past promiscuity and all ANYONE caed about was the fact I wasn't hot anymore.

Big wake up call. Its given me the opportunity to look at my own sexualization in my family of origin; something I was in denial about. I FED people, and its kind of grouse. I look a lot better now; I am recovering but I am not buying into all of that again. I didn't realize it but I have actually been dealing with a lot of sexual abuse stuff in the last few years and have been complete mess. I am waiting to go away for treatment. I have been celibate for almost 6 years and took up yoga 5 years ago. CHANGED MY LIFE! I had to stop treating myself like an object. When you are beautiful people treat you differently but you do have a choice. You can buy into that or you can make a different choice. It really is ridiculous and harmful. Being beautiful is nice but so is being a good person; having character; being able to support yourself; self-respect; etc., etc.

You are helping to create this; without even really knowing it. We live in a culture that is hyper- sexualizing but you can make a different choice and you will gain. It may feel, in the short term, that you are losing but in the end you will gain. Start feeding yourself; not others.You deserve it. xoxox Peace!:)