Anger

[Audreeeey]

One thing I continue to struggle with during my recovery is some breakthrough anger. I was wondering how anger manifests in any of you? How do you make yourself feel better? For me it feels like an uncontrollable urge to scream or put somebody in their place, and kind of degrade/insult them.

Also, I had a lot of problems with my feelings of anger while working at my restaurant. Any other fellow restaurant workers deal with this?

 

[OtterMedicine]

For me the anger often starts with hostile thoughts toward another (from the past) shortly after I wake. Sometimes it is a POWERFUL desire to insult or be vicious to another person, or to turn into a domineering controlling person.

I don't try to soothe it or feel better at this point. I just contain it until the feelings start to fade. It isn't healthy for my body since that level of emotion wreaks havoc when unexpressed, but it is the only way that I can make sure that my family isn't bearing the brunt of my unstable moods.

 

[Audreeeey]

That's exactly how I feel too! It is SO powerful sometimes. One thing my therapist taught me is how to deal with ignorant, rude people in kind of a "zen" way.

Whenever somebody acts ridiculous or does something I don't approve of, I calmly tell them (in my head) "I really hope you find better ways of life and peace, so I send you off into the world." It works! :)

 

[bright_morning]

Wow I can relate to both of you a lot. The anger is bad right now, and I freaking hate it. It's self feeding in that way, the anger makes me angry because it's attached to my abuse and feels like another form of imprisonment.

I was told to express it, but since I am the main caretaker for my toddler I don't get a lot of moments. I am writing some really angry acid techno in my studio to help... And I am proud that a couple of weeks ago I painted obscenities in red and black on a bord and even drew a caricature of one of my abusers... Then I went at it with a hammer!!!

I wish I had a month to beat his image on that board with a hammer. Then again that board is pretty jacked up already lol.

I hate the anger.

 

[OtterMedicine]

I hate the anger.

I definitely DON'T hate the anger. The anger reminds me that I care enough about myself to have feelings about the way I was treated. For a lot of years I had no anger because I was irrelevant inside my own mind.

I hadn't really thought about that until just now. I am grateful to be able to be able to experience the anger.

Thank you for helping me recognize that.

 

[bright_morning]

I guess you are right Otter, it's not the anger itself I hate because it's truly justified anger. What I hate is that I have it now at very inappropriate moments. I dont like it when it overlaps with daily stresses and I am tempted to lash out at whoever is nearest.

But to say I hate the anger itself is not really true. I hate what was done to me, and the fact that I am still not at peace 30 years later. I suppose it's my unsatisfied urge for revenge and my discomfort that I even have feelings of desire for revenge that bother me. When I feel like doing back to them what they did to me, I feel like they still have some odd type of power over me. This in turn makes me even more angry. It's a pretty vicious circle at the moment, but I see the light coming.

 

[OtterMedicine]

I hate what was done to me, and the fact that I am still not at peace 30 years later.

I understand completely. It's really frustrating when the anger comes up because it feels like I should be done with it already, then I start judging myself becaue I am not. (then the alarm goes off when I recognize the word SHOULD in my conversation, but that's different story.)

The revenge thing is a quandry for me too. I don't see myself as the type of person to seek revenge and I don't WANT to be that type of person but what to do with thiose feelings and that energy????

 

[OtterMedicine]

Whenever somebody acts ridiculous or does something I don't approve of, I calmly tell them (in my head) "I really hope you find better ways of life and peace, so I send you off into the world." It works!

My reaction, when I am being concious and not responding out of reflex, is curiosity. I wonder what happened to that person to make them act that way. I can come from compasssion that way. Less problematic than the reflexive reaction where the anger ticks off the Richter scale....

 

[Audreeeey]

Me as well, but sometimes that just fuels more anger for me.

I also don't see myself as someone who takes revenge, but when anger really gets the best of me, revenge is like, a huge part of me. Sometimes I get so enraged and set on revenge that it consumes my thoughts all day long. The logical part of me tries to step back and think of a more reasonable way to deal with the situation at hand, but that itself is extremely difficult.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

When I get angry it's so suddenly massive-feeling that I know the anger isn't at the person I'm talking to at that moment (that level of anger is, I know logically, rarely called-for), so I do what I've always done and set it loose on myself.

It freaks people out because more often than not they see me 'blank out' before I hit that point and they misinterpret that as being calm, cool and collected. But then they see me totally loose it and usually walk/run/drive/bike away as fast as possible.

It's only a better idea compared to attacking some person (who does NOT deserve it) with every ounce of my unexpressed rage.

Sadly, I have no idea how to get it out properly. I think I need to find a proper therapist, not just my MD (who is awesome, has helped me a lot, and is great with people who have depression or CFS, but who is not trained in dealing with trauma).

 

[OtterMedicine]

Thinking on it, the primary thing that will tip me into pure rage is when someone stomps on my rights or treats me like they can do anything they want to me. This is when I have to (quickly) put a physical distance between me and whoever sparked those feelings because I don't trust myself.

It is an unholy dragon that rises in me and it takes a long time to contain it. I totally forget about it's existence until I feel it.

 

[Spiderallis]

I try to channel my anger into better things; "The best revenge is living fabulously". My revenge is proving them wrong. Some of my best accomplishments have come from what my abusers told me were my biggest flaws. I laugh, every little thing is proof of how very wrong they were.

Karma is a happy thought too. When some friends heard about my abusive marriage they wanted to physically attack my ex-husband. Every time, I said karma will kick him much harder than our boots ever could. It did. Last I heard he wasn't doing too well. I feel bad smiling about it, but he chose that.