General How Do You React, When Your Partner Goes Mad?

[charlieb]

It strikes me that the bully I have to deal with, who says he can't help his behaviour, is magically able to control himself around people he needs to stay on good terms with. Since he never flies off the handle with them, but frequently does with me and a few others, I see that as him choosing his behaviour.

How do you deal with this? I've tried sleeping in other rooms, not talking, talking, shouting back, trying to reason with her, You name it I've tried it.

The hardest part of all of this is that my eldest son is starting to disrespect me in the same way, I know he's only picking it up from my wife but I'm afraid where this will end.

Charie.

 

[amethist]

Oh Charlieb you are some how going to have to explain to your son that he is crossing lines he cannot cross. I dont know how old he is but you are going to put a stop to this as soon as possible.

As for your wife, she has to learn that she cannot disrespect you like this. Maybe walking away from her as soon as she starts, calmly explaining that you will talk when and only when she calms down. The more you do this, eventually it may hit home that she is in the wrong.

 

[Eleanor]

This was one of the things that really brought my H up short - as it was one of the things that his evil-ex did to him that drove him crazy. He could hardly believe it when he realized he was doing exactly the same thing to me.

I don't know, given all the physical and economic etc complications of our lives that we are any example for anyone - but I can tell you that when I physically LEFT the house, he totally went off into a rage - and I've done it three times - and then other things happened - and he has gotten really committed to taking care of himself and we haven't had an episode in three (?!?) weeks. So maybe it was pointless - or maybe it pushed it to a breaking point, or maybe something else that hasn't even occurred to me. But the fact is that once I accepted that preserving this marriage might not be a do-able/desirable thing - stuff has started to get better. If it weren't for the fact that this fits the patter for SO MANY people here, I'd probably say it was just the physical stuff that was driving the recovery - but I am not so sure. Which is cause? Which is effect?

What I can tell you is that when your wife treats you badly it hurts you and it hurts your son. And that can't continue. I think this is harder for guys since they are supposed to be tough and impervious. But you have a responsibility to do what it takes to keep you and your son safe from emotional/verbal abuse. Just sayin'.

And a good therapist to work with your kid is worth his/her weight in gold....

 

[Hashi]

The hardest part of all of this is that my eldest son is starting to disrespect me in the same way, I know he's only picking it up from my wife but I'm afraid where this will end.

Mine isn't a domestic situation - I'm not a supporter, and the bully I'm talking about is at work. It's weird how similar it seems, for example what you said here. I have a parallel thing where the people I manage have started treating me disrespectfully as well. For your son to be starting to pick up the behaviour must be awful.

I'm afraid I'd be reluctant to suggest anything, because being a supporter to your wife is a different context and I don't know about that. I think Eleanor and amethist have given good advice, I hope others will too.

 

[cali-babe]

If I may, my husband's sons from a previous marriage( I'm wife number 3) have already taken on the demeanor of the father PTSD behaviours and have begun to disrespect me in my own home, the 10 year old is the worst. I have done the patience, going off into the corner and reflecting to come at the situation form a postive angle and still have it turn into a full out blow up lasting days. I have suggested the boys get some therapy themselves and was met with the wall of rage that I dare suggest there is something wrong with them. That I hate them etc........... not true. I would wonder if there is verbal maipulation and twisting of events truths by your spouse with your situation, because there certainly is in mine. I was horrified to find out to the extent of the my husbands warped influences with friends family and our children.

 

[Eleanor]

If I may, my husband's sons from a previous marriage( I'm wife number 3) have already taken on the demeanor of the father PTSD behaviours and have begun to disrespect me in my own home, the 10 year old is the worst. I have done the patience, going off into the corner and reflecting to come at the situation form a postive angle and still have it turn into a full out blow up lasting days. I have suggested the boys get some therapy themselves and was met with the wall of rage that I dare suggest there is something wrong with them.

Oh, cali-babe - What an awful revelation, and situation to deal with. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Here is the hard truth I've learned - that the only difference between a healthy relationship with someone with PTSD and a plain old abusive relationship is the commitment and active pursuit of treatment on the part of the sufferer.

You owe it to yourself to get out of that situation if they will not get help. Three abusive boys - soon to be men, is not something ANYONE should sign up for.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hello All,
I love all of your comments. Charlieb...I don't have the answer either...I've tried all that you mentioned above and nothing helped. I think this is where the term "walking on eggshells" is derived. It's so hard to understand. Nothing worked for me and it ultimately ended up destroying me as a person (temporarily) because a rational mind cannot wrap around why they need to fight, go into different room, etc...no matter what it is taxing on the spirit and mind...and relationship. I never could do anything right and now it's been 6 months since I broke up with my fiance with ptsd and he is sweet when we 1st talk but still ready to fight/argue when we talk min depth. It has taken me 6 solid months of hard self-help & soul-searching from all this drama to truly become 'myself' again. It feels great now to come out of it but it was the hardest road I have ever traveled. I still miss him like crazy but everytime I think we can try again, it's a circular conversation that ends up in conflict. It's insanity. My experience with this whole mess is it's better to let go, hardest thing ever but the only way to find your own peace and enjoy your own life as you knew it before. I know, easier said that done! :)

I also agree with comments above regarding treated vs untreated ptsd. For my fiance, it was untreated ptsd...plus alcohol abuse. Not sure the role this has vs all of your experience.

Finally, I totally agree that there might be personality issues separate/in addition to the ptsd which might make things even worse. For me, I didn't learn until 3.5 years into the relationship that my sufferer also had terrible childhood where there was no love. It would have been nice to know this up front! :eek:

 

[cali-babe]

Well,,, I was told by a professional ( who I went to see ) the other day that "you need to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of youself" !!! on the lighter side.......... I burst out laughing, (at least I can still do that :)) geez,,, I thought if it were only that easy. Hmmmmmm how does one stop taking care of everyone when your a parent, a supervisor i/c, daughter of elderly parents and a wife of a sufferer of PTSD and god know what else....... not a sympathy ploy here trust me. Just trying to wrap my brain around what that looks like, I used to be fun !

 

[charlieb]

Hi all,
Well, I'm sitting on my chair after another weekend of arguments and anger. And I've had enough, I sat down opposite my wife tonight and told her I want to separate. I'm sure she thinks I'm joking but I'm not, I've had enough. No more bullying, shouting, tempers, arguing, tension, hate, silence, trying to make up...id rather be on my own than have to keep going this way.

Now I need advice! I'm moving into a spare room for now as I don't want to leave my boys, how do I do this? How do I leave without hurting my kids? Could I stay in the house and live a separate life? Still be there for my kids? I really want out of this situation but want my kids too. How does a father keep his kids

Life really f@&kin sucks.

 

[amethist]

So sorry to hear that charlieb, sometimes it comes to this, no matter how hard you try.

Not sure how it is going to work you staying in the same house, as you will still be in range for her as a target.

When my ex and I split up years ago, {No PTSD there}, he had full excess to our kids. It was the adults that had a problem, so we saw no reason to make the kids suffer any more than they had to.

I hope you can work things out for the best for all of you.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

I'm moving into a spare room for now as I don't want to leave my boys, how do I do this? How do I leave without hurting my kids? Could I stay in the house and live a separate life? Still be there for my kids? I really want out of this situation but want my kids too. How does a father keep his kids

Hi Charlieb

It sounds like you are all living in a very toxic environment. I would not recommend staying in the home long term as it will be unhealthy as well as toxic.

My thoughts would be to move somewhere close by and have shared custody - say the kids stay a week at each home or depending on your work commitments between the two of you (does she work?) you could have them from Friday afternoon and drop them at school Monday (I don't know the ages so just guessing) but that is where I would start. I feel that while you may suffer a little not seeing your kids 7 days a week like you do you may find you are a better father for the time you do spend with them not having all the other issues to deal with and it will also give the kids a break from their mother if she is as bad to them as you say she is to you.

I don't know if you having primary custody would be an option either. It's really hard to deal with but life isn't always fair and you have to try and put the kids first as much as it may break your heart...

Good luck - sounds like you may need it.

 

[Shoka]

It sounds like the reason you freeze probably is due to you returning home to find your husband trying to harm himself.

I like IvyMillies idea of talking about it ahead of time. If you can explain to him at a calm moment how it makes you feel when an outburst happens. Tell him you understand at times its going to happen and you feel the best thing for all of you is to take your son and leave for a short time. Explain you just want to give him time to cool down and you know he doesn't mean the things he says during those moments.

If he knows ahead of time that you will only be leaving for a short time it takes the question out of his mind about what you're doing when you leave and if you'll return.

Hi,

I think the "freeze" could be part of the biological fight or flight syndrome that all of us are hard wired into. The freeze is perhaps because you are trying to "flight" by disengaging or trying to become invisible in a way by freezing (like some animlas will play dead to ward off their prey).

I've had the freeze experience myself. Sometimes anxiety and stress overload can counteract our ability to flee from a situation. Almost like getting short circuited in a freeze mode. By all means, it's always better to leave and keep yourself and your son safe and out of harms way.

Stay calm, disengage, say you are going to pick up a quart of milk, take your son and leave for a bit.