How To Grieve?

[Philippa]

It's fine to take a holiday from feeling as long as you know that's what you are doing, and don't keep doing it, I think.

I've been on holidays for a month now and the first week I baked a huge batch of special bud butter cookies, and would let myself have one a day and just bliss out for a few hours.

It helps all the thoughts stop or go away for a while...but yeah, the feelings go away as well. They ran out about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't thought about it since. I don't like to smoke too often...just once in a while, for a treat. I appreciate it more that way.

It is hard, but I think you might just be taking a holiday. I guess the only way you'll know is if you keep smoking?

 

[Loner]

Yea, I'm not going to keep smoking. The thing is, so, when I smoked, I actually felt great. The last time I smoked before this, I tried smoking and going out and trying to socialize, but noticed I was a lot more paranoid and connected a lot less naturally with people and people were more on guard with me.

This time, I smoked, went mnt biking, felt great, had tons of fun, was in the moment, my mind didn't wander to other aspects of my life, and afterwards I felt this very surreal sort of objectivity about my life that was very grounding. However, for the next few days since then, I've felt like crap. I think the emotion and motivation deadening aspects seem to last a lot longer than the actual high, which I never noticed before.

Now I'm back to, I just wish I could cry, because I think doing so would make me feel better. Not going to happen though.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I cannot cry either. And if I do it is a tiny little bit. My eyes actually leak out tears sometimes. I guess the tears will come when I feel safe enough to cry. Good topic.

 

[Philippa]

I hear you there. I love mountain bike riding. Never tried it while high though. I prefer to just have a joint and walk from one end of the city with my headphones on, and just take in all the people, side by side, but distanced from me. They're all too busy to stop, and that's a good thing.:D

I think I'm right where you're at in that regard though. I woke up this morning, well actually I have felt like I really need to cry for a while now, and it's like this deep ache that wants to surface, but I know it's not going to. I just woke up a few minutes ago, and I lay there feeling sad that I couldn't, but couldn't even cry that I can't cry.

Sometimes playing a song that is just so sad I get triggered by it helps me...or a movie. I usually get the real urge to cry when I'm in public or at school. Thank goodness I'm doing art therapy, and it's not only allowed to cry in class if it happens, but it's encouraged, since we are on our own journey towards becoming therapists...so that's a godsend.

 

[p-no]

Sometimes playing a song that is just so sad I get triggered by it helps me...or a movie.

I used to use that tool a lot early-on. I still use it now to shed some tears when I feel I'd like to have a partner but don't. Only the most tender movies help with this.

 

[Philippa]

I haven't found any movies for that particualr reason. I don't really feel that sad about not having a partner, but I am pretty sick of being single I will say that much. I've spent a lot of time just on my own, and it's been great most of the time, but yeah, it's starting to feel a little unnatural to go this long without being in a relationship, but I'm not really making any effort through dating avenues...I hate dates and dating.

I'd rather not 'do' it. I have done it in the past, but they were all a bit weird and one guy actually started manipulating me within about 20 minutes of us chatting, as I wanted to go do some stuff...he tried to tell me I was being immature for 'playing games'...we'd only known each other for 20 minutes, skype chat! I pulled that plug pretty quickly.

What sort of movies work for you in this regard?

 

[Loner]

Yea, songs work pretty well for me. Luka by Suzzane Vega, Hell is for Children by Benatar, Anger Rising by Jerry Cantrell are a few.

Philippa dating is rough. I've gone on a couple dates this summer and tried to just view it as having fun hanging out with someone for a change. Didnt get any second dates but oh well, I guess it was still kinda fun.

I really thought having smoked a couple days ago I'd be numb for a while but this morning I actually cried for a while. We'll see how that goes from here.

 

[p-no]

What sort of movies work for you in this regard?

I had to think about that for a while, wondering myself what it really is that makes me choose these very movies. So, what I found is that only parts, individual scenes or just a few minutes at a time may be the reason why. It's always the way the relationship is between both, the way they treat each other, behave around one another, hold each other close and set each other free again.

So, here goes:

• Boys On The Side
• If These Walls Could Talk 2
• Desire (book by Benoite Groult)
• Mozart & the Whale
• Savannah
• Fried Green Tomatoes
• City of Angels
• Awakenings
• Mask (not the one with Jim Carrey, but the one with Cher)
• Adam

 

[p-no]

Problem about dating is: You have to do it if you want a relationship. You have to "try out" each person individually, giving it (and therefore yourself) time and effort. I am not sure if I want to continue with that. I have a good life as a loner (I have often referred to me as a loner, now I feel I'm taking your (online) name, Loner), and I like it.

 

[Philippa]

Oh yeah, I had the same attitude when I did go on dates, and just had fun being with a new person and hanging out, and it wasn't terrible or anything...though when he opened his mouth he did sound like a stereotypical gay man, which didn't really help with the chemistry attraction side of things. He claimed he was heterosexual, but when he went to kiss me, I instinctively pulled away and just couldn't go there. It messed with my head a bit.

I've been accepting of my "just not very social" status since I was 21, though the stigma of people thinking I might be a serial killer, just because I enjoy my own company, did get to me for a while.

 

[Loner]

Oh that is huge with me. People are SO ignorant. If they feel you are wierd or different, they can't get a read on you, and therefore dont trust you, think you must be crazy. It kind of makes sense to me, but at the same time they are completely oblivious of the fact that most really truly evil people are very charming and sociable. Almost every serial killer, the neighbors say, we never would of guessed he seemed so normal.

I used to get really hung up on that. Now I try not to think about it, I try and just focus on improving my own social skills. Its hard though.

I cried some in my car tonight driving home. I cried a few days ago too. Its wierd though. When I REALLY cried a few weeks ago, my body felt completely relaxed, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. THe few times I've cried since then, I've actually gotten much more tense, like I was letting a few tears squeak out, but my body was still just keeping everything locked up so tight so as to not really break down.

 

[Philippa]

Oh that is huge with me. People are SO ignorant. If they feel you are wierd or different, they can't get a read on you, and therefore dont trust you, think you must be crazy. It kind of makes sense to me, but at the same time they are completely oblivious of the fact that most really truly evil people are very charming and sociable. Almost every serial killer, the neighbors say, we never would of guessed he seemed so normal.

Exactly! If people just did their research, they would find that people like John Wayne Gacy and such were cunning enough to earn the trust of their peers by being social and charming and seeming so normal. The whole stigma of "it's the quiet ones you've got to watch out for" has just made things so uncomfortable at times for me, more than it needed to be. But then, a culture dominated by loud, extroverted types who always have to be talking doesn't help with that.

I cried some in my car tonight driving home. I cried a few days ago too. Its wierd though. When I REALLY cried a few weeks ago, my body felt completely relaxed, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. THe few times I've cried since then, I've actually gotten much more tense, like I was letting a few tears squeak out, but my body was still just keeping everything locked up so tight so as to not really break down.

I think I know where you're at with that, and yeah, I've experienced the same dissatisfaction with the after effect of tears that haven't really made a difference to how I feel. Once you have those really huge cathartic grieving sessions, it's something you want to keep having more of when you know there is more to come. I guess not being too attached to whether it's going to be like that or not in the future might help to not feel so disappointed or dissatisfied when it does.

I almost cried earlier, but it sucked back up again. I settled for an infrared massage with my birthday present instead. Hand held massagers are the best!