Gaining Weight On Purpose...

[Brinsanity]

I'm starting this thread because I can't seem to find anything on the topic of gaining weight on purpose, although my therapist says it is common in sexual assault, rape, or brutality survivors.

I was never a thin girl. I was a chubby kid, and I never grew out of it, but I was always healthy and drew a lot of attention from boys in school. My abusive sister, took pleasure in calling me fat. She loved to torture me that I wore a larger size than she did, and when I got boobs for the first time, she was sure to remind me that breasts are made up of fat, and that it just meant I was getting even fatter. Once she moved out, and I was out from under her harmful behavior, I was still a curvy girl- but it just seemed to attract attention.

And I'll be honest, I was a teenager and I LOVED the attention. I often wore lower cut shirts to show off my "blessings". Of course I was still picked on at school, or called fat by some of the thin girls, or boys who liked that... and being called fat was something I hated, but I knew it was just part of life for me.

In high school, I went through a short time period, where I had lost a little weight, I was partying with my friends constantly, getting stoned, and I was more worried about getting good grades in school to get into a college far away. Boys were attracted to me, I received a lot of unwanted attention and crude comments about my chest size. Then at a new years eve party, my senior year in high school, I was drugged, beaten and raped by a "friend" in front of a few of his friends (still unsure as to whether or not they were involved in anything other than the beating aspect).

After it was over, I went to the sheriff's station and the hospital, was treated like a liar and a criminal for having been partying, and well- a lot of things weren't handled the right way. I tried immediately to kill myself, and I was unsuccessful. Then, I decided to through myself into becoming a "christian", hoping something would protect me. And I started gaining weight on purpose. I did not want to draw attention anymore, so I got fat- really fat. Between the date of my rape and the end of my freshman year in college, I had put on over 100 lbs.

When I got diagnosed with PTSD, I started working out and lost a lot of it; 94lbs to be exact. Then I met my husband, and had three kids in just over 3 years. I have gained about 50 of that back. My PTSD symptoms got MUCH worse after my last child was born. Now I NEED to lose the weight, it has ruined my overall health. But it's my security blanket, I start to lose it and I start having worse symptoms.

Does anyone else out there have this issue? Did anybody else gain weight on purpose?

 

[piratelady]

When my marriage got very bad last year I put on about 40 lbs. I have not yet been able to control my eating for long enough to lose the weight. I need to lose those 40 lbs and a lot more for my health as well. I hope that in time I will be able to get past whatever it is that is making me sabotage myself repeatedly.

 

[Philippa]

I don't personally have that issue, as I have a very fast metabolism and have great trouble gaining any weight at all, which many women might envy, but in my case, I actually WANTED to get fat, because I felt so vulnerable.

I wanted extra layers to feel protected but nothing I did would help. I even went on a "fat diet" as I called it, and ate brie cheese and full cream milk and all sorts of things I thought might make me fat...but it didn't work (and wasnt the healthiest way to go about it either).

I've worked in the mental health field as a volunteer, and worked with one very obese woman who I believed had deliberately made herself disgusting looking so as to deter men alltogether! It is very common amongst survivors of rape. This woman had been raped many times, by family members etc. She would shit the bed, and do all sorts of things that would make anyone want to stay away from her.

I also think it might be the reason very butchy lesbian women seem to morph into male looking women. I think they do that on an unconscious level so as to destroy any sense of femininity in them, which they might associate with feeling vulnerable. That's just my theory though...and I have read other psychologists who have said the same thing.

So yeah, it happens more than most people even realise.

Whilst it is frowned upon in society, fat can feel protective.

 

[Brinsanity]

I'm glad I'm not alone. It just seems to be something nobody wants to talk about.

I still try and look nice, I do my hair and make-up, I dress well, but I'm not getting whistled at in a Wal-mart parking lot, if you know what I mean. I have never liked being fat, and I always wished I was just thin, then I started gaining weight to protect myself. Soon it became the only way I could see myself. Then I started realizing what I was doing, and how it was effecting my life in other ways, so I worked really hard to lose it. I mean hitting the gym for hours at a time, multiple times per day. But I can't do that now, I don't have the time. I have three toddlers, and findinf time for the gym is really difficult.

I started trying to lose weight again this year, because I have another serious health issue that has come into play, and losing weight is extremely necessary. My doctor says even 10 or 15 lbs would be fine, but I'd rather lose closer to 75. We started taking family walks, and eating healthier, but I am still not losing any weight. I worry that my body has taken to my increased body weight, and it's going to be an extreme amount of work to lose weight. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that yet. It's been years since my last attack, but only 1 year since I was hospitalized for a mental breakdown. And the last year has been exceptionally hard.

I/m ready for the weight to be gone, but I'm not ready for the work. That's a lazy mentality, I know it.. but it's the truth. :/

 

[Philippa]

I think once you get motivated and start to see results it will become easier to push yourself, but I get the initial laziness thing. It's human.

 

[Brinsanity]

Thank you Philippa. :)

 

[Jenelle]

After my abuse stopped when I was a teenager I gained 15 kg. I hated the attention and others staring me and wanted to deter any male that was interested in me. Apart of me also believed that I didn't deserve to look or feel great and be healthy. I have always loved exercising so it was clear that every time I went to loose weight, I would sabotage myself.

My habits were loose a little weight and begin to see results, then overeat and cease exercise until I gained all the weight back. Over the past 3 months I somehow found the motivation to continue on a healthier path/lifestyle. After seeing the initial results and being conscious of my patterns, I decided to soldier on through the moments when I would ordinarily stuff myself full of McDonalds. (Overeating is my thing)

I know how you feel and when you're ready you will find the motivation to do it.

 

[Brinsanity]

Janelle- that is EXACTLY what I'm going through. Thank you for helping me feel like I am not alone.

 

[Philippa]

To deter men I simply don't make eye contact with them or smile. Men like women who smile and look at them. Of course, some men then feel it is their place to tell me to smile, which I ignore, and keep walking, but at least it keeps them away from me.

 

[Jenelle]

You're most welcome. Your post also made me feel like i wasn't alone.

 

[Britt.f7]

My mom was overweight and she thought it was to protect herself from rejection after her and my dad's divorce when I was little.

I grew up hearing that if I got fat no one would want me. I use to be bone thin. After my children, and my illness, I wasn't able to exercise. I ate pretty well, the old messages were still there, but I am now the heaviest I have ever been. I've been having issues with it. I, too, have been wondering why I can not lose the weight. Being able to be active would help, but I feel there is an emotional reason as well. I think, somewhere in my damaged mind, that if I gain weight that I will push my husband away. That he will leave me like I've been told. So far it hasn't seemed to matter.

It can be an emotional cushion. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I don't feel so alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I quit smoking and got on a sweets kick. I was eating all sorts of junk food. I am going to have a pint of ice cream tonight. I gained so much weight that I had to go and get new pants to fit me. I do not understand it. I do not like having the weight. But it is something I am not eager to let go of yet. I will have to look at this. I have to be the responsible one. I am a caregiver for my husband. I have been housebound for the last year and a half; Secretly I am ashamed of the weight that I have gained. I have to do something. But I get so hungry. I have had this problem before. I will need to do something. my husband is watching what he eats. He has gained weight from quitting smoking too. I am glad for a place to talk about my secret shame. I know what I need to do. Watch what i eat and exercise. But I am not ready. Thanks for letting me share.