Ashamed & Embarrassed By Diagnosis, Seeing Therapist Again

[Whirlwind]

I started therapy for one issue..and maybe to my therapists credit...I just started talking about "stuff".

And now I've gone and opened pandora's box. I've had this terrible feeling as if something is slowly creeping up on me...like something you catch out of the corner of your eye and you are not sure if you've seen it or not..... misshapen thoughts started preoccupying my days, mostly deep uneasiness started brewing. I felt it picking up speed slowly but surely. I am feeling like I did back then and now it is like I am starting to explode from the inside. Each day, each week feels progressively worse.

My therapist said we need to slow down,I asked him what the hell was going on, and he deferred me for a week. When we met again I asked him and it was a blur of words such as "significant trauma" "PTSD" "likely early trauma" "symptoms of dissociative disorder". He said therapy may take some time and he offered me meds to help for now. I turned meds down, they freak me out (he is aware of that). For him to even offer just makes me think I must be a real mess....

I felt sucker punched. I was completely shocked.

I almost have to laugh, I shared some things and he was so nonchalant at the time I assumed it was within "normal" tolerances. I just blabbed away and didn't think anything of it.

Now that I know what is "wrong" with me...why do I feel so ashamed? I don't know how I can even look at him again. I lied and canceled next appt, I don't know if I can even go back. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do. I don't want my husband to know....anyone.

I would bail but I'm afraid of the things that are starting to happen, of old feelings and compulsions starting... I am trying my damnedest to push things down but nothing is working well.

Its like I now have this awful terrible secret to hide. I am besides myself. I feel like I'm ruined and I'm going to lose everything, all the good I tried to build into my life.

Pardon my rambling and thank you for listening. Whirlwind

 

[Abstract]

Nothing that happened to you is your fault, Whirlwind. And this is just a sign of you having being hurt and not that there is some weakness in you. Its an understandable reaction to horrible things.
The shame belongs to those who hurt you.

 

[piratelady]

I do want to share some of my story with you. About 9 years ago I was traumatized. Nearly a year after it happened, I sought out therapy. I felt the same way you described above. I did quit therapy and never saw that therapist again. I continued to struggle with the feelings I was experiencing for about 7 more years, until I finally went back to a new therapist.

What I am trying to say is that by avoiding this, you will not get better. Perhaps he seems sort of nonchalant so you would not feel awkward about what you were telling him? Therapists, have heard A LOT of different things, so you don't need to worry about that. You do not need to feel ashamed about what happened to you either. You have this diagnosis because of what another person did to you, it is not anything that is "wrong" with you. It takes time to build that trust with your therapist and to feel more comfortable telling him about everything. I would suggest going back and having a discussion with him. Tell him how you feel, maybe just slowing down therapy a little is in order.

 

[nimkekaa]

He said therapy may take some time and he offered me meds to help for now. I turned meds down, they freak me out (he is aware of that). For him to even offer just makes me think I must be a real mess....

It is your therapist job to give you as many options as he can so that you can make the best decission for you. I don't think your therapist thinks that you are a "real mess", I think he just wanted to present you with your options and not make any assumptions that you would never use meds. (just my thoughts)

I understand the urge to hide your diagnosis as if you are less then perfect now. As Abstract says the shame belongs to those who hurt you. It will take time to be able to feel that but it is worth the work.

I have found this forum to be very informative and supportive. I hope you do too.

Welcome Whirlwind!

 

[Hashi]

I started therapy for one issue..and maybe to my therapists credit...I just started talking about "stuff".

And now I've gone and opened pandora's box...

I started counselling for a different issue while I still had selective amnesia about what happened. Then I started recovering memories and told my counsellor. Then I felt I couldn't deal with the shame, the shock, the reactions.

I actually had to stop seeing him because he wasn't qualified to deal with trauma. This was fair enough, and a responsible thing to do in the situation, but he responded to my announcement with some alarm and that didn't help my feelings of shame any. I think it's good that your therapist was calm about it.

If your therapist is someone you trust and you feel he's a good person to help you with this, then I'd really try to go back and see him again. It's natural to feel shame, even though we have no reason to. It's one of the things to work on.

I agree with piratelady. Do you feel able to tell your therapist how you're feeling? Maybe you could print what you've written here and take it with you, or email it to him? Something I still do, but I did it especially during the first few months of trauma therapy, was to read out from my journal about how embarrassed and ashamed I was about what I'd said before, or what I was going to say. It was easier to have it written down, and it was good to keep letting my therapist know how difficult therapy was for me, so we could talk about things that could help.

The storm of emotions is really difficult, and in fact this is just when you need the support of a therapist. Please remember that we're not used to talking about things like this, so the way we see it is different. He's a therapist, he'll be used to hearing things that people feel shame about, and if he's a good therapist (it sounds like you think so.. is that right?) then he won't judge you. He can help you find your way through this.

 

[Whirlwind]

I think he is good....at least I like/respect him. He said he has been doing this for 30+yrs. This is his profile...I will have to look into it, not sure what it means. Looking at his bio he lists "PTSD & Trauma" as a specialty of his.

humanistic psychotherapist who uses (contemporary) interpersonal and experiential approach of Gestalt Therapy and the body-focused approach of Reichian Therapy with current theories on human development, attachment, and emotions to remove the blocks to growth that stand at the center of their emotional and physical distress.


When I started going down memory lane I warned him a micro reaction on his part would cause me to clam up, so to his credit his poker face has been near perfect. Better than I realized I guess. He knows I'm skittery, I have tried to "commit" to this, when he told me to commit to a schedule I did these last months.

I continued to struggle with the feelings I was experiencing for about 7 more years, until I finally went back to a new therapist.

I see your point. :( I couldn't handle this state I'm in for years, I already feel like I am imploding.

I have always been in control of my life, I left home asap and never looked back. I created a decent life for myself...these last years I had a few tough life events, and that's what seems to have started kicking my foundation out from under me.

Now that things are coming back in "ultra vision"....I realize I was carrying old compulsions "under cover" and that I had not seen some things for what they were. I made LIFE decisions during that time, and that is when I was feeling confident and good about myself.

What the hell am I NOW? I am barely a faint queasy shadow of my former self.

I will make a list of things that are freaking me out - maybe just writing them down for the therapist if I can't say it myself.

Thank you all for talking with me. Whirlwind

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((((Whirlwind)))))))))).

 

[all_akimbo]

I understand this. I don't know how to fix my own feelings of shame. I apologize repeatedly to people who I trust and share with. It's confusing. I don't remember things. I can only imagine what I must look like to others.

Please don't give up. I'm saying that to you because I contemplate giving up everyday. My friends say 'please don't' and that seems to help, so now I'm saying it to you.

They tell me it's not my fault. I don't believe them. They tell me they will love me no matter what. I think they don't know what kind of a promise that really is. They don't know - and neither do I, what all is 'in there'. I am not sure I even want to know.

I get the slow down from my T too. I wish I knew WTF that means.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting. Please don't quit therapy. Please don't give up.

-aa

 

[Whirlwind]

I know. I read your post and I already feel protective of you....it is so much easier to see others clearly. "Please don't" means something. Thank you for saying that and sharing how you are feeling with me.

I'm afraid to trust others to be there for me too. I've only relied on myself and now that security is slipping out from under me.

I am missing chunks in the years before age 12ish. Like most of well, most years. I remember first realizing in high school....how the heck did everyone remember so much?!

All I have are some "pieces", some scenes, incidents, vague somethings. I could make a simple list, that's about it. Around age 13 everything starts to clear and comes into focus, then I remember decently. I was a handful back then - did some bad stuff but I still remember it.

Funny, as an adult it turns out I actually have great recall/memory. Still nothing from early days though. I'm good with that, I figure it is more of the same (no thanks) and if worse, I'm not interested.

My T offering meds and saying we should slow down.....made me feel awful, even though I agree. I am also purposefully pushing IT down..trying anyway. I stopped doing my "homework" etc. It helps a little, T concurs that is ok. Right now I am just trying to focus on getting some control back.

One day/hour at a time for now. Best, Whirlwind

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Coming out of denial is very painful, and meds can help stabilize your moods so you can deal with what is going on. You don't have to be on meds forever, maybe just for awhile till you are able to articulate better. That is hard to do when sobbing till it takes our breath away.

Please try to trust this T, because if you don't, you will be wasting your time. Trust is hard, but it's worth the risk to get better.

Blessings to you!
AKJ

 

[all_akimbo]

I know. I read your post and I already feel protective of you....it is so much easier to see others clearly. "Please don't" means something. Thank you for saying that and sharing how you are feeling with me.

I'm glad it meant something. I'm protective too. I also agree that it is easier to be kind to others and actually I have used my "I wanna help" nature to protect myself from the monsters in my brain.

I'm afraid to trust others to be there for me too. I've only relied on myself and now that security is slipping out from under me.

Yep. Same here. I don't like to depend on other people. I feel it sets me up for a crash. When I'm feeling as shitty as I have for the last four months, I worry that I won't be able to care for myself anymore. It's terrifying.

I am missing chunks in the years before age 12ish. Like most of well, most years. I remember first realizing in high school....how the heck did everyone remember so much?!

I am missing those chunks too. One of them started to resurface yesterday and I have been sick all day because of it. I don't want to remember.

All I have are some "pieces", some scenes, incidents, vague somethings. I could make a simple list, that's about it. Around age 13 everything starts to clear and comes into focus, then I remember decently. I was a handful back then - did some bad stuff but I still remember it.

I was called a "handful" too. Year 13 was the year of my suicide attempt. I made some bad decisions. Most of my memories until about 5 years ago are pretty cloudy. Dreamlike. It's hard to know what's real.

Funny, as an adult it turns out I actually have great recall/memory. Still nothing from early days though. I'm good with that, I figure it is more of the same (no thanks) and if worse, I'm not interested.

Yup. I was ready to never remember. Again, yesterday I woke up in my supporter's arms after an episode and he told me that I had been kicking and saying, "no I don't want to remember that. I don't want to." I usually cry hard during my 'episodes' I didn't that time. After I felt very sad. Since I've been afraid I will remember the thing I don't want to remember.

My T offering meds and saying we should slow down.....made me feel awful, even though I agree. I am also purposefully pushing IT down..trying anyway. I stopped doing my "homework" etc. It helps a little, T concurs that is ok. Right now I am just trying to focus on getting some control back.

When you figure out how to get control back please share it with me. I am so worried I'll have a moment at work that it's debilitating. I do have a friend there who is aware of what I'm going through so that helps. I hate feeling like I don't get to control my own brain. That's ridiculous.

One day/hour at a time for now. Best, Whirlwind

Truth.

I'm behind you. I'll be cheering for you.

-aa

 

[Shellbell]

I understand so much of what you are going through Whirlwind.

When I was first diagnosed a few months ago, I felt shame, guilt, I felt weak. I was in such a severe state of depression and thought I was going mad. I don't like or want to take medication, but I had to, I hated it, but I knew I needed to stabilise my mood and get some sleep. I'm not saying you should take meds, just don't completely dismiss them.

I am also missing chunks of memory and have dissociation amnseia and have such a good memory for some things, but not others. I am taking therapy slowly. My therapist doesn't want to rush it either and so far I've been 4 times and we're not anywhere near talking about any severe abuse/trauma. I've told her I don't trust anyone, she knows that trust will need to built with her before I can talk openly.

So much of what you say I really understand and feel the same.

It really is about taking each day, each hour, each minute at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Hugs if you accept them (((((((Whirlwind))))))).