General How Do You React, When Your Partner Goes Mad?

[Shoka]

I have discussed the situation of 'up and leaving' with a psychiatrist and he said it is abusive if you don't say you are going, where you are going and when you will be back... even if it's like I'm leaving the house until you calm down and I will be back as soon as I am calm enough to deal with this.... etc.

I have found that I just leave the room..... no need to pack up and leave the house unless in danger. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be worried sick about them if they just stormed off. I think there's a fine line with this.

Hi Nicolette,

I can see where up and leaving abruptly and dramatically could trigger abandonment issues and make a person worry or trigger further. However, sometimes I've needed to leave because it felt dangerous to me, when perhaps that wasn't his reality, but it was mine and I wasn't going to risk it. I think the important thing is not to storm off, but to calmly go without slamming doors or yelling or any other dramatic displays of emotion.

The fine line of fleeing when one feels threatened is tough, but I have to say it's always better to disengage and get some physical space between me and my partner when things are in the red zone. If there has been a pattern of violence or unpredicatbility in someone's behaviour, isn't better to be safe than sorry?
Sometimes just the suggestion that I'm going to leave is enough to escalate my partner when he's in the thick of it. This is a tough call, but here I would put myself first over my partner and get to a place where I feel safe, and I can clear my head to deal with the situation.

 

[Nicolette]

If there has been a pattern of violence or unpredicatbility in someone's behaviour, isn't better to be safe than sorry?

I agree Shoka and I think you missed my minor comment

no need to pack up and leave the house unless in danger.

If you fear for your life or don't feel safe yes get out and I wouldn't think twice.

 

[Eleanor]

Nicolette, I am having a lot of trouble with the whole staying calm thing recently. Lost it yesterday. Any suggestions?

 

[Nicolette]

Eleanor what relaxes you? I for example come out a different person from reflexology as it seems to release a lot of the tension and stress in my body. Me keeping myself balanced helps me stay calm. Anthony now even takes me as he knows and sees the difference and if I'm calmer then he's got a better chance.

Gardening also grounds me...... what do you find takes you away from reality for an hour or so?

 

[Anna]

Strangely, my partner is the one who loses it, even though I am the sufferer... he seems to have a very low tolerance and is very very easily annoyed.

He will shout, become aggressive, has broken various items in the house and behaves like a toddler having a tantrum.

Once when he was "charging like a bull" towards my son screaming. I stepped in front and just said "Stop". I know in that moment, I have to calm him down. He has lost his temper and is in that moment out of control.

I normally ask him to take a walk outside or go have a cigarette and let me deal with the situation. I have been with my partner 12 years and have learned I am the one who has to keep my cool. It was hard when we both "lost it" because it would become completly irrational and the fire was out of control. I just know in that moment it is too much and I have to forget everything and concentrate on calming him down.

I do not shout. I speak in a calm manner and try to make him realise that he needs to go somewhere and calm down. It is not nice though. I really have never experienced anything like this rage. I have become a bane of calmness because of it. I have had to learn to control my emotions very well.

 

[Eleanor]

I like to garden too, I also read to "escape" a bit. Acupuncture really helps, and we may be enough in the black now that I could go back every other week or so. It would probably help if I was getting good sleep too, which I am not. Also I am now living in a house that I don't like and which stresses me out. Maybe getting into the other house should be a higher priority...

I WAS very good at staying calm, but since Mr. Hyde has adopted a calmer aspect, is located in time and exercises pseudo reason I now have REALLY hard time keeping it together and have tried to leave several times - only to be pursued (and accused of "giving up" and "acting like a baby") by H. I have to admit, my nerves are worn to a frazzle and I am finding myself VERY reactive. Also, Mr. Hyde nowadays starts out so *plausible* and apparently reasonable - the "good old days" of just straight dissociation and patterns taking over seems to be gone. I don't know what to make of it.

 

[Lunada94]

This has been a very helpful thread. We've had a decent go of it lately for the past two months or so. But last night the house was slightly messy and that set him off. His PTSD is the overreaction to the event. I am suddenly incompetent and worthless to him because of this.

I "freeze" too. I shut down and don't say anything. I leave the room if I can but that doesn't always work. I am walking on eggshells again...and dammit, I was just starting to relax. We left on a sour note this morning and he is home and I hope not descending into an episode.

I think he has no grid for how this affects me. I struggle with owning the responsibility for his reactions, desiring to make all perfect for him so he doesn't stress and when I fail I struggle with how it's my fault. I didn't so anything wrong here but leave a few things on the table and on the floor. I have to keep telling myself that.

It's hard not to feel worthless when your husband is telling you how you have "effed" up again and caused him all kinds of grief and stress. :(

 

[amethist]

You didnt mess up by leaving things about Lunada, but I would say that he messed up with his reaction to something so trivial.

Walking away is a good way to react. Dont walk on the eggshells, crush them into dust.

 

[Eleanor]

I so know that "oh we are back here again" feeling. "And I was just starting to relax and feel quasi normal again." and then - bang, back in the middle and with the bottom of your stomach somewhere around the soles of your feet. :(

Reality check: If the things bothered him so much - why didn't he just pick them up himself? That is what reasonable and non-episodic people do.

You get to be human and slack off now and then when you are tired - or just tired of keeping up with everything. In a healthy relationship between healthy people this is not an issue - the other person picks up the slack, or everyone just lives with a bit more mess for a few days - not a big deal. You didn't mess up. You are not responsible for keeping his life "stress free". You did not "trigger" him. He is responsible for his own emotional outbursts and reactions. He has to be, as he is the only one with any power over them.

I found shutting down and walking away the best thing to do for a long time.

Take some time to take care of yourself - and if he doesn't "come around" and apologize for treating you so badly at some point - you will have to make some decisions. PTSD does not confer the right to abuse the people who love you. Not even a little. Take a day or three holiday if you can....Just to chill out.

 

[Nicolette]

Ownership of reactions and their causes are essential with PTSD......I rarely have any problems these days compared to 5 years ago but will say that after the storm it was often helpful to politely put things into perspective and let it sink in if you get what I mean. ;)

 

[myvetswife]

think he has no grid for how this affects me. I struggle with owning the responsibility for his reactions, desiring to make all perfect for him so he doesn't stress and when I fail I struggle with how it's my fault. I didn't so anything wrong here but leave a few things on the table and on the floor. I have to keep telling myself that.

You didn't do anything wrong. If my hubby gets into his moods, it doesn't matter what gets him going. He will search and find somthing.

Nobody can be a 1000% perfect.