Fear Of Touch Anyone?

[2narcissa]

I just noticed you ARE a woman, sorry about that, the same advice I wrote still applies. I'm new so I didn't know that I could click on people's profile info! LOL

 

[99Phoenix99]

What I found that helps with my need for physical loving touch (not sex) is my dogs.

Even my horses give me joy.

I hope this gives you some ideas. I'm so glad for your post because I forget that when I'm all worked up about something, loving the animals calms me down and fills that need for unconditional love, without the fear and bad physical sensations.

HorseChick,

Thanks for the message it made me realize something really important. I had a dachshund for 13 years that passed away this past March. I don't think I realized until now how much of a crutch she was in means of comfort. She KNEW when I was upset and would cuddle with me. She was with me through everything. And thinking back on this.... I guess I have to rephrase what I said previously stated. I did have some sort of phsyical comfort through the years. She was it.

I think you've really helped me realize why I've felt more alone and in need of affection now than ever. My only source of it disappeared and I'm feeling the pangs from it in conjuntion with everything else. I just didn't make the connection until now.

I've since gotten a new puppy but well... puppies lol They're ADHD monsters. I love the little bugger but I guess I'm still not over the loss of my previous dog.

Sorry to sound like a Debbie Downer, but you really have helped me out here even if it just sounds depressing lol

Who know animals were such a source of comfort?

 

[JustBe]

Me!!

 

[99Phoenix99]

Sounds really smart to me, it's the kind of practice I was hoping your therapist would help you develop when it comes to the hugs.

One step at a time, and testing boudaries with gentle experiements rather than trying to achieve everything all at once.

Well, my therapist actually came up with a few good ideas this past week.

1. The few people that I can hug relatively ok with I should try to extend each hug for 2 seconds.

2. High Five people. Bizarrely enough I don't mind high fives so I'm to make one of those ridiculously long handshakes with my closest friends just to get some more exposure to touching others and enjoying it. Hahah

In anycase, thanks for all of your advice BlueOrange it seems to be helping thus far :)

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm not trying to be foul in telling you this,but maybe it will help you.Your not crazy.

No that's not foul. Thank you for addressing that, it's something I was concerned about but knowing other's share that feeling is very helpful.

Also... lol your message makes a tad bit more sense now that you know I'm a gal lol In anycase welcome to the site!

Reinvent yourself. Watch your "I am's" ,how do you know you'll never be a cuddly person? never tell your self negative ("I am's) your subconscious starts' believing what ever you tell your self.

That's really good advice, I've been trying to reinvent myself in finding ways to comfort and fulfill myself but now that you mention it I have been using lots of negative thought patterns. I'll try to watch out for that more on and fix that. I do believe habitual thought patterns (good or bad ) alter a person, so thanks for pointing that out.

And thanks for all of the support!

 

[99Phoenix99]

Me!!

:D When you're right you're right!

 

[Tanishq]

Phoenix, how is going your progress with your T.? What's new with you?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hey Phoenix, I hope everything is going well for you my dear..... with regards to reinventing yourself, that is SO true.

Here is a few examples of how I've turned myself completely around.

1. Extremely negative and critical of other people, always pointing out mistakes and being bullheaded about letting them go.
A. Instead, I now praise people as much as I can for small things, and even though they largely are so hard to work with, I'll find a small thing about them which I identify with and like, and encourage and praise them on it.
B. I do not point out mistakes if I can help it, I go and fix it quietly, and then let the head nurse know what I've done, I let go of things which have the potential to make me very angry if I dwell on them, and focus on how much something brought me to laughter or empathatic.

2. Being what some would call a 'butch dyke', not caring about what I say to others, try to inflate things to get attention, or try to shock them with bluntness.
A. Turn into a quieter, fun, positive person, try not to comment unless necessary
B. Changing my taste in decor, accessories, clothes and music from brash modern in bold statements to delicate french provincial homey styles, romantic classy and gentle classic.

3. Picking on my partner for his taste in clothing, or his moods, or flying off the handle at something I know I really can't excuse myself over.
A. Learnt so say I'm sorry, change my communication style, and keep him well informed without lashing out when I'm feeling cornered, or letting him know I'm feeling that way, and don't want to lash out.
B. Encouraging my partner's taste in clothing, letting him know I understand his moods, or will approach/leave at his preference, or do something to ease how he is feeling.

4. Fly off the handle, or think the worst about my bumbling, blunt and hurtful, yet well meaning father.
A. Someone being a prick will always cause long lasting effects, but I can't treat them as though that is who they are now, I have to try to think the best of them, and try to look at things from a different angle, and what their intentions really were, as opposed to how they made me feel.
B. Find polite, yet gentle and appreciative ways to manage my father (ie, I was pretty stung when he offered me $1000 if I got to 70kg and kept the money in the bank for a month.)

Everything is about perspective, and being solid within yourself is important, as well as blatant communication, because if people around you know what your response could be to certain things, then it makes you more responsible to keep tabs on how you are feeling and what your potential reaction could be.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it might be worth my mentioning that the above changes have occurred over 3 years, so don't expect miracles immediately, but on the same note, don't dare write them off as impossible, because anything is truly possible if your every in-control moment from then on is focused on a goal that you would really like to achieve.

Remember, its not about reaching your goals, but rather aiming for them, and improving until you either achieve those goals or have found a satisfactory milestone along the way that you have decided is right for you.

Don't ever short change yourself, it doesn't matter if you don't reach your goals, because by merely trying you are already learning to change and improve yourself.


xxxxxx

Bubzie

 

[99Phoenix99]

Phoenix, how is going your progress with your T.? What's new with you?

Well Jaret I actually have a little success story! My T. told me to do baby steps in this whole endeavor. So a few days ago I kept that in mind while I was hanging out with one of my friends that I've known for about 7 years. We were just watching a movie and normally we'd both spread out on different couches and veg out, but this time I made to move on sit on the same couch with her.

It took me about 20 minutes to work up the courage but I ended up sitting on the couch with my feet on her lap. I felt anxious and paranoid for about 10 minutes and all I could think about was just wanting to move, but I held out and after that actually managed to relax! I had my feet propped up on her for a good hour of the movie! I can't even remember the last time I was in contact with anyone for even half as long as that.

It was... a weirdish/good feeling, knowing that I could be comfortable with that physical contact :P

So that feels like a big success. Even though it'd probably take up just as much time to mentally prepare myself next time, at least now I know I can do it.

 

[Tanishq]

So that feels like a big success. Even though it'd probably take up just as much time to mentally prepare myself next time, at least now I know I can do it.

Phoenix, any success is success. You did it! :)

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hey Phoenix, I hope everything is going well for you my dear..... with regards to reinventing yourself, that is SO true.

Everything is about perspective, and being solid within yourself is important, as well as blatant communication, because if people around you know what your response could be to certain things, then it makes you more responsible to keep tabs on how you are feeling and what your potential reaction could be.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it might be worth my mentioning that the above changes have occurred over 3 years, so don't expect miracles immediately, but on the same note, don't dare write them off as impossible, because anything is truly possible if your every in-control moment from then on is focused on a goal that you would really like to achieve.

Remember, its not about reaching your goals, but rather aiming for them, and improving until you either achieve those goals or have found a satisfactory milestone along the way that you have decided is right for you.

Don't ever short change yourself, it doesn't matter if you don't reach your goals, because by merely trying you are already learning to change and improve yourself.


xxxxxx

Bubzie

Oh wow, Bubzie you've accomplished so much! Thank you so much for sharing.


I think it's kind of funny in my bizarre sense of humor that you aimed to "Turn into a quieter... person, and try not to comment unless necessary" when my goal is to not be so quiet anymore. And comment more than necessary. For so many years because of physical pain I couldn't have long conversations. First I had nerve damage in my ear which made it very difficult to listen to people or be around noise. Then (I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not) not 3 years ago I found out I had bone degeneration in my jaw and that hit with a new type of physical pain. I literally couldn't talk for about 2 years without extreme pain. And had to have two different jaw surgeries. Anyhow, my point being I only spoke when strictly necessary. Nothing more. And I did that out of preservation. Now that I'm feeling better and my health has greatly improved... I'm trying to break that cycle. It's just really hard to do that. For me it's instictual to stay quiet and avoid people this whole reconditioning... is very daunting.


I actually read the comment you left a few days ago (I just haven't had the time to reply until now) and was thinking about it when I was walking my dog at the park when an elderly lady approached me with her dog. So we let them play together and I did the general chit chat. But then one of her friends came over, an elderly man, and they began talking to each other/me. Normally at that point of would have excused myself because I was feeling really anxious as they began to ask me about myself. But I managed to get the topic back onto them. And somehow ended up talking to the pair for an hour and a half. Well, they mostly talked and I just listened, and I felt sick to my stomach the whole time. But after I left I realized how nice that was. That not only was I able to do that but actually kind of enjoyed it.

So again, thank you for your message. Reading what you have done to reinvent yourself really inspired me to do something that I generally would have fled from :D

 

[txtrace]

Phoenix, I'm so happy for you and appreciate you sharing your breakthrough with us. I hope you're able to continue to move forward.

As for my nerve issues, they figured it out. I'm following their plan and feeling better a little but at a time. Unfortunately its something I'll have to live with but now what out is I hope to be able to manage it.

Keep up the good work moving forward