Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[Martin Taylor]

That is very scary!

 

[Martin Taylor]

My father was the abusive alcoholic at home, but my mother didn't protect me to the point of putting me in harms' way. (Both in regards to my father and otherwise, throughout my life.) Frankly, her actions were more harmful to me than my father's.

Exactly my story, except my mom is still alive. My father degraded over time and died, there was no resolution, only a loss of hope. Our story is not common on this site, how has your journey been? The only thing that has helped me is EMDR.

 

[Martin Taylor]

I just looked at this string today for the first time in over a year and I am amazed at the number of alcohol related issues I am seeing. We are a bigger group than I thought. My story included violence and the threat of violence, denial of my emotions, deafness of both parents (makes communications hard), and stuff. Fortunately no sexual abuse. Although my father had the overt problem, I am still angry with the "healthy" parent for not protecting me or allowing me to be a kid. just another log on the fire.

 

[KBE]

: ".. how has your journey been? The only thing that has helped me is EMDR.

I'm just getting started. I was diagnosed with PTSD less than two months ago and have just started to see a therapist.

I'm surprised, horrified and somewhat relieved to see so many similar stories to my own. I mean, it's great that I'm not just a weak person who can't suck it up, but dear God how many people lived such horrible lives? And how many are like I was just weeks ago, with no idea of what's really going on inside?

How have things been for you?

What is EDMR?

 

[Martin Taylor]

welcome to the group. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reinstallation, or something like that. It is a type of therapy that has been very successful successful with vets and the like. It seems strange but works great for me. Look it up in wikipedia or on the Veterans Administration site, they explain it better than I do. Some people don't like it. But for me it works. It can get emotionally intense but it is worth it.

 

[Britt.f7]

I was angry, for a number of years, and at different times, at both of them.

After my first treatment of PTSD, I stopped being angry at them for the things they did and did not do in my childhood. I came to an understanding that they did what they could with what they knew and I also forgave them. I know their lives were not easy growing up. I also know, in the 70s, there wasn't as much open help as there is now.

However, whether they like(d) it or not, I have held them accountable for their behavior. They were adults. I don't pretend that everything was rosy. I also fought long and hard to end the abuse or bad parenting with them. My kids know I will protect them, and I have even though it meant hurting other's feelings. I am not perfect, but I am doing the best I can. I chose to learn from my past.

Letting go of that anger has freed me. It gave me a sense of control. Not from the recent PTSD, but from the past. Now I am dealing with the trauma that they didn't cause. Trying to learn to forgive myself.

 

[LC23]

I'm a little stunned that people are more mad at the non-protecting parent than the perpetrating parent, by not just a small margin ut a 25 percentage point margin. In many cases the non-perpetrator is also being abused. I don't know. It just doesn't make sense to me that so many people would be more angry at the one who wasn't the active originator of the trauma. I can sort of forgive my dad for being PTSD and depressed himself, but that in no way excuses his behavior to me. My mom stayed with him because she really hoped she could help him to change. By the time she gave up and left him, I was grown. Was it ideal? No. Was it as reprehensible as the actual abuse? I can't see how.

This is not to discount the experiences of others. I just don't get it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have closure with my mom today. We started to reconcile and she was killed in a plane crash. No one can take that spark away from me.

Now I am angry at my dad who made sure my mom and I never had a relationship. My mom was a alcoholic. I feel peace with her. My dad died this year and I am thankful that he cannot hurt or play head games with anyone ever again. I am very angry at my dad. He was the main abuser.

 

[Abstract]

I don't know. It just doesn't make sense to me that so many people would be more angry at the one who wasn't the active originator of the trauma.

Hi LC23,

I imagine a lot is linked into exactly how that parent behaves. It sounds like your mother was caring and supportive of you. For me my mother blamed me if my father played up. Yes, she was wanting safety but she knew better.

I also know that in many cases SA is allowed and children not believed when they tell. And for me when I told my mother something else trauma related again she was angry with me for telling rather than mostly being concerned about my welfare. I can't speak for others but these are just some thoughts. I certainly don't excuse my father his behaviour either.

 

[Shellbell]

My Father - he adopted me, so technically not blood related, was an abuser. He was a pervert who let me be abused by his 'friends'. I hate him. I never liked him, or loved him. But he's dead now.

My Mother enabled the abuse. She knew he was a pervert and did nothing to stop it. She was cold and distant, never caring or loving. She never helped me and never loved me like a mother should and despite that I loved her anyway. What she did hurts more. A lot more. I don't think I will ever get over that.

 

[Abstract]

and despite that I loved her anyway. What she did hurts more. A lot more. I don't think I will ever get over that.

Shellbell,

Hugs if OK. Although my story is different and the trauma related to my parents not my worst I relate very much. I cared/care more. That makes it hurt a lot. I struggle to come to terms with it.

I think a mother not loving a daughter is something that hurts to the core and hurts our development of who we are.

 

[Shellbell]

Hugs are always okay Abstract and big hugs back to you too :hug:

Yes, I agree, the pain of being a daughter not loved by her mother is devastating and does hurt to the core. Mother's are meant to be the loving, nurturing ones. I look at how I love my children and I know my mother felt none of that.