Hi,
This is my first post. After having spent 9 years in almost complete isolation, which I describe as living on a raft far from the mainland, while pretending to be an inhabitant of the mainland when among people, I had a freak-out. I saw a trauma counselor - not for trauma counseling, but in another setting. She was very kind and must have noticed that I was not entirely at ease, or okay, or whatever, and offered me a few sessions to 'chat'. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.
At the time my sister, with whom I had a bond, died, and I underwent a biopsy for breast cancer. I guess my guard dropped - and as I 'chatted', all kinds of things started tumbling out of the closet. I felt as if an avalanche of bad memories (long forgotten and ignored) was coming down on my head. I started experiencing severe anxiety - to the point of terror - that had to do with the connection with the counselor (a shy, kind person) as I was terrified of the attachment that was forming. The more I feared the 'dependency' that was forming, the more I needed to see her. I later learned that this is called 'traumatic transference'. The poor counselor started getting extremely uncomfortable and I thought I was losing my mind.
As I was extremely unsettled I decided to see a psychologist, who diagnosed me with ptsd (she called it complex trauma, though I know it is not official) and attachment disorder. Yet, she said she was 'hesitant' to work with me as I don't have a support structure.
I saw a second psychologist, who refuses to see me unless I commit to at least 2 session per week and see a psychiatrist for medication. I can barely afford one session per week, and I can definitely not afford a psychiatrist. She also expressed concern about the fact that I don't have a support structure, and said that she could foresee a 'very bad time ahead'. I told her that I am an extremely controlled person and that I have no intention of letting the wheels come off, as I need to remain stable to work in order to survive. Her response was: 'The wheels are already coming off.'
So here I am, very unnerved, very much without any form of help or support, feeling extremely sorry for myself for having been 'rejected' by 3 professionals, and rather worried about my situation; I'm beginning to wonder if things are not perhaps worse than I wish to believe. I now have to tape myself together and get on with my life. The are times that I feel close to despair.
Pencil
This is my first post. After having spent 9 years in almost complete isolation, which I describe as living on a raft far from the mainland, while pretending to be an inhabitant of the mainland when among people, I had a freak-out. I saw a trauma counselor - not for trauma counseling, but in another setting. She was very kind and must have noticed that I was not entirely at ease, or okay, or whatever, and offered me a few sessions to 'chat'. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.
At the time my sister, with whom I had a bond, died, and I underwent a biopsy for breast cancer. I guess my guard dropped - and as I 'chatted', all kinds of things started tumbling out of the closet. I felt as if an avalanche of bad memories (long forgotten and ignored) was coming down on my head. I started experiencing severe anxiety - to the point of terror - that had to do with the connection with the counselor (a shy, kind person) as I was terrified of the attachment that was forming. The more I feared the 'dependency' that was forming, the more I needed to see her. I later learned that this is called 'traumatic transference'. The poor counselor started getting extremely uncomfortable and I thought I was losing my mind.
As I was extremely unsettled I decided to see a psychologist, who diagnosed me with ptsd (she called it complex trauma, though I know it is not official) and attachment disorder. Yet, she said she was 'hesitant' to work with me as I don't have a support structure.
I saw a second psychologist, who refuses to see me unless I commit to at least 2 session per week and see a psychiatrist for medication. I can barely afford one session per week, and I can definitely not afford a psychiatrist. She also expressed concern about the fact that I don't have a support structure, and said that she could foresee a 'very bad time ahead'. I told her that I am an extremely controlled person and that I have no intention of letting the wheels come off, as I need to remain stable to work in order to survive. Her response was: 'The wheels are already coming off.'
So here I am, very unnerved, very much without any form of help or support, feeling extremely sorry for myself for having been 'rejected' by 3 professionals, and rather worried about my situation; I'm beginning to wonder if things are not perhaps worse than I wish to believe. I now have to tape myself together and get on with my life. The are times that I feel close to despair.
Pencil
