Anxiety Over Books?

[Britt.f7]

I know with my depression, I have lost a lot of interest in the things I once enjoyed. When I think about doing them I am filled with anxiety, so, at this point, I skip them altogether. My T thinks it is because I refuse to allow myself joy. I don't dispute this.

On a side note, which I would think you would appreciate. I love books, especially old books. I read one this past summer that was a hundred years old. Anyhow, my FIL was getting rid of some barrister bookcases that his father had collected over the years, with some old books he collected at estate sales. I talked him into letting us have them. I had to strip them of the ugly greenish paint they had. They are, though not perfect, absolutely beautiful and I have lined my living room with them. They are one of the few things I have done over the last few years that I pat myself on the back for and thoroughly enjoy. Even if it is just looking at them. I feel a bit guilty for saying that, as if it is self centered. But, considering I don't do it often, I figure it is okay. :shy:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I go through phases. For awhile I was reading up a storm, but now I have set it aside. I lost interest in reading. I will pick it up again. I have a ton of new books ready to be read. I hope you have hope that it will get better over time. I am sad that you are struggling. You have seemed to have been through alot. I think you will read again and enjoy it.

 

[99Phoenix99]

They are, though not perfect, absolutely beautiful and I have lined my living room with them. They are one of the few things I have done over the last few years that I pat myself on the back for and thoroughly enjoy. Even if it is just looking at them. I feel a bit guilty for saying that, as if it is self centered. But, considering I don't do it often, I figure it is okay. :shy:

Thanks for sharing that with me! I absolutely adore antiquity. (I actually own a stereoscope from the mid 1800's (yes I'm that nerdy lol)) I've a small collection of older books myself, some from the 1600's up to the early 1900's, they're my babies <3 It kills me that I can't read them but oddly enough I too find joy in the simple fact that they're mine. Even if I long to read them, at least I have the solace in knowing I have them. I thinks it's AMAZING that you've done that, I'm a bit jealous actually :P

I go through phases.

I know what you mean about phases. Because I've always done that. But this is so different... I wish it was just a phase. I really appreciate your well wishes.


Just as an update:

After the initial post of this thread and the replies I forced myself to read a short story by HP Lovecraft (Call of the Cthulu) . I figured it would be less... triggering and traumatic if it didn't go well since it was just a sci fi story (which have always been a hit or miss with me), and ... it went O.K. I guess. First few pages were like pulling teeth but then it got easier. I certainly didn't enjoy it as much as I could have, but I'm proud of the fact that I managed to read at all.

Then I tried picking up a history book.... that didn't go over too well though :/

Same deal with documentaries. I tried watching a science documentary, and that actually went really well. It was all about the possibility of terraforming mars and I really enjoyed it. Then I tried a history documentary ... Good Lord... That just went sour fast. I just panicked. And couldn't focus after the first 10 minutes...

I have an appointment on monday with my therapist, I guess now I know what our conversation topic is going to be.

 

[Britt.f7]

I absolutely adore antiquity. (I actually own a stereoscope from the mid 1800's (yes I'm that nerdy lol)) I've a small collection of older books myself, some from the 1600's up to the early 1900's, they're my babies

That is awesome! I have a very old Underwood typewriter on top of one of the bookshelves. The typewriter is a bit rusty now, but I use to use it when I was a child because that was the only one we had. It was way old then. We have a few antiquities throughout the bookshelves. My brother in law said it looked like a man cave. No way, it is definitely my room. ;)

Thank you for the compliment. It took a lot of hard work, and I'm glad my health cooperated. I told a lady at an antique shop and she asked if I would be interested in selling them! Heaven's no! My FIL's vice president asked me how much they were worth. I thought that was way rude. To me they are priceless. BTW, I knew, or had an idea, from when I looked up the origin. I told her I didn't know. :angelic:

but I'm proud of the fact that I managed to read at all.

I am happy to hear you gave it a try. Small steps. Good topic with your therapist. Just don't wait, like I often do, til the end of the session. :oops:

 

[Hashi]

Well done for facing it Pheonix, and take good care of yourself. It's very difficult working on things like this. I hope talking with your T will be helpful.

 

[Bilby]

My T, and others, will often ask me in various ways what things make me feel relaxed and what I find enjoyable and rewarding. Even that question itself sparks anxiety and a sort of resentful rejection in my brain, as though I can't even bear to begin contemplating what I enjoy or what would likely relax me. Sometimes I think this is because I simply don't know and feel added anxiety and a sense of failure at having to confess to that

Phoenix, I don't have PTSD (I have dep/anx though) and I find myself in the position that Maddog has described. I do feel as though I have lost myself and I'm not quite sure where to begin looking.

That aside, you are doing well to have delved back into something that was causing you to become anxious. And can I just say, that for someone of 22, you write incredibly well. Perhaps you could think about that one a little more - it might be something you would like to pursue? Just some food for thought - tell me to shut my cakehole any time you like ;)

B x

 

[99Phoenix99]

Well the good news is I talked to my therapist on Monday about this!

Bad news is... I was dissociated this whole weekend and just snapped out of it yesterday (Tuesday). I can't really remember what we talked about aside from the topic... :cautious: Yesterday I knew everything we talked about and was going to share what I learned. Today? I'm having some serious gaps in my memory. All I can really remember is me being a Chatty Cathy and coloring in a Harry Potter Color book because I was bursting with energy and she needed me to focus on something.

So I guess I need to have a repeat appointment :dead: ugh.

To me they are priceless

I totally understand that! You can't put a price on something like that, especially if it's something that means that much to you. It's funny that you said your brother in law said it looks like a man cave. I've had people tell me my room looks so ... utilitarian. Aside from my bed and TV all I have in my room is books and my giant bookcase which is more than enough in my opinion lol

@Hashi thank you for your continued support!

I have lost myself and I'm not quite sure where to begin looking

I think I'm very much in that same boat. I know how to keep myself busy, how to temporarily take my mind off of things but on the whole? I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing (pardon my french). I don't like using it as an excuse, but I really do feel like spending most of my time in hospitals, constantly in survivor mode, has really stunted me. I don't know how to NOT be in that state of mind. Constantly worrying about my health and life. And now that I'm at a point where my body isn't failing me... I don't know what to do. What do people do?

you write incredibly well. Perhaps you could think about that one a little more - it might be something you would like to pursue?

I appreciate that Bilby. I doubt I have the imagination to write a story, but I am fond of essays. And I've been told by a few professors that I do have the capacity to either teach or possibly publish essays (history related items). I haven't been in school for a while so ... it's good to hear I haven't totally lost it. I've been really worried about that, that I've lost that ability. Thank you for putting a smile on my face and a skip to my step :giggle:

 

[Bilby]

You're welcome, Phoenix :)

 

[Hashi]

Bilby said: I have lost myself and I'm not quite sure where to begin looking

I think I'm very much in that same boat. I know how to keep myself busy, how to temporarily take my mind off of things but on the whole?... I really do feel like spending most of my time in hospitals, constantly in survivor mode, has really stunted me. I don't know how to NOT be in that state of mind. Constantly worrying about my health and life. And now that I'm at a point where my body isn't failing me... I don't know what to do. What do people do?

I'm thinking about this too, trying to create a life which isn't all about trauma and depression. I don't know if I still want to do things I used to want to do. I don't know who I am or what I should do (or if I'm capable of doing it).

I've been doing some art today - yay! - and this is what I'm doing it about. The collage I'm making is getting weird - three versions of me, none of which is actually me... which is just as well because they're all pretty strange. All I know is who I have been, who I think I'm not and who I think I can't be.

I'm also thinking about my values, because I believe that those are essentially me and must tell me something. It's making me very sad how far off course me and my life seem to have got.

I hope talking about it all in T will help me... and you too, Phoenix. I hope you can stay grounded and work on it.

 

[Britt.f7]

Okay, the feeling of wanting to read is coming around again and I am excited. I bought a book about survival and how people got through their struggles. I think I can handle what seems like a bunch of short stories. I'm also hoping that their accomplishments will encourage me.

Hope that feeling of wanting to read doesn't go away before I get that book!

 

[99Phoenix99]

the feeling of wanting to read is coming around again and I am excited

That's awesome! I hope that urge to read has stuck!

I'm also thinking about my values, because I believe that those are essentially me and must tell me something.

Hashi I think you've just given me a Eureka moment. I don't know why, but it's never occurred to me to think about values, or better yet to list them all out and have them in front of me. Granted that's easier said than done, but I think that would really be beneficial. :D Would you mind if I took this thought onto a new thread?

Also, I'm really glad to hear that you're working on your art. That must feel really good to be working on it. I'm happy for you.

 

[Hashi]

Would you mind if I took this thought onto a new thread?

Of course not, I'd be interested in a discussion about it. Thinking about values is bringing up a lot of grief for me about the past and present, but makes me feel more hopeful about the future.

Thank you for what you said about art, it's been a big thing for me to start doing it again. Wishing you the same for history and books, when the time's right.