Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Pencil]

That's my fear, that I am too damaged and it will prevent healing.

NO!!! It is not your damage, it is your situation!! I'm not minimizing the damage, trust me, but what is mainly keeping you from healing is the fact that the situation is not over, as Abstract said in an earlier post. Do you have knowledge of his movements? Do you know anyone who knows him?

 

[Shellbell]

Healing is not something that you can do in a few short sessions with a therapist, it is years and years of retraining your brain. I have gone into therapy knowing that it is going to be really painful to get out the toxins but that it will be better afterwards because my baggage will be more manageable.

Thank you MissMacD, it is worth the hard work in therapy, regardless of how long it takes, if we can then manage our baggage better. And anything better is positive and worth it.

A good reminder.

 

[Pencil]

the situation is not over

Which quite simply means you are not even in POST trauma yet - you are still in the traumatic situation.

 

[Shellbell]

NO!!! It is not your damage, it is your situation!! I'm not minimizing the damage, trust me, but what is mainly keeping you from healing is the fact that the situation is not over, as Abstract said in an earlier post. Do you have knowledge of his movements? Do you know anyone who knows him?

I know people who let me know anything serious regarding him. The gun license appeal and his cancer were in the local paper which I also access online.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, that was what I realised today, I am not 'post' trauma. And I know I can't heal if it's not in the past.

 

[Pencil]

I know people who let me know anything serious regarding him.

As long as you can keep tabs on him - as long as you know he's at home you should be able to relax, at least for that day.

 

[saffy]

I sometimes realise that when I get flashbacks it reduces me to a frightened confused low confident person. With this in mind I think, am I going to reduce myself to that now if I am put in that situation again, and to be honest probably yes. I realise that it was my thought process in times of threat or confusion.

I started to realise that what I needed to do was get better personal skills and better self esteem. Now sometimes when I have flashbacks I imagining myself doing something about it in a much better way. I see myself strong and assertive. I feel I can be like this in future real situations too becuase I saw in my mind that if I behaved differently the end result would also be different.

It is a journey of self discovery for me really as I had no idea who I was or what I thought, so confused and thinking there must be something wrong with me. I doubted everything about myself and my actions. Actually I was never shown how to assert myself, never had my confidence boosted or my actions supported.

I felt that the only people I should now let into my life, those I deem resectful and supportive and mature with good values. These will help me go forward. But ultimately I had to learn myself that I can have the skills and the confidence and I should take better care of myself and feel that I am worth it.

Those who were negative to my life I also studied them.

What made them think like this? What made them act this way? I was quiet surprised at the answers. It wasn't me at all, It was them all along because that is who they are. And most had a weakness themselves, they just hid it well with their negative and vile behaviour. I also realized vile people like this pick on particular types of people and sometimes they just don't get away with it.

So what are those people doing to stop these vile people making their life a misery?

I then studied their behaviour and thoughts. They were much more self confident, they had high self esteem and they were able to voice their feelings and needs in a controlled way. They were not afraid to say they were not going to put up with that behaviour and certainly not going to let the behaviour of a person with no morals or virtues make their life a misery.

They are going to show them that they are not significant in thier actual life, nor important in what they want in life. By understanding your own needs and feelings you are more able to control the situation and get support.

Best wishes
Saffy :)






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[Shellbell]

Pencil, I don't have anyone that keep that close an eye on him, or know his wherabouts on a regular basis.

I really feel for you living in the same town. That's worse.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Shellbell))) I wish for you peace of mind, and that cannot happen until the psycho is dead. Does he have alot of resources? I was stalked, so I know alittle about living in fear looking over my shoulder. I hate these kinds of dirtbags. That they get off instilling fear and terror. My dad was one I lived in terror of. I cut off contact with him 20 yrs. ago. It was the best decision.

I did not want him to know anything about us. I was always afraid of him. I do not compare what I experienced to the terror and torture you have known. I wish for your healing. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you have to live in terror for you guys safety. I have no words to express my sorrow over what you have experienced in your life. You are a beautiful human being. Big hugs.

 

[Pencil]

, I am not 'post' trauma. And I know I can't heal if it's not in the past.

I'm going to say something and I hope it doesn't come out all wrong:

Let me explain it with reference to my own situation: While a part of me wants to get the hell out of this town, there are several reasons I don't want to:
1. It is an extremely beautiful coastal town
2. This is my daughter's home and none of this crap belongs to her
3. The police, school principal, social services etc here now know the story and it makes me feel safer. It will be extremely difficult to get this kind of protection somewhere else - if I had to move and go the police etc with this story they'll think there's something wrong with me
4. By not running I have the chance to one day, somehow, 'win'. I don't know how, as I can never be prepared for what she does, as she is extremely devious and over the top. My most ambitious flights of fancy can't reach the boundaries of her reality. While there are long term effects of childhood stuff to deal with, I also know that the sting will be taken out of many memories and the accompanying anger and other emotions, if I can somehow remove her threat. I have no idea how I could do that. BUT: in taking charge of the situation, by, eg contacting social services and requesting an investigation, by alerting the principal etc, by never letting my daughter out of my sight, by living in a place that is safe, and so on and so on, I feel more competent, stronger, battle-ready. What I'm trying to say is that although the fact that it is not OVER can feel like a bitch at times, we also have to recognise the fact that the past can NOT be changed, but the present CAN be. I therefore see it as a blessing, and not a curse. There is much healing for me in the knowledge that the story is not over, that I can still use my wits, strength, fists, whatever it takes, to change the course and final outcome of this. The final chapter has not been written, and it is in my power to determine the exact wording of the last paragraph.

I know the threat you are living with is much greater, but I hope and pray that you will somehow somewhere 'find the hero inside yourself' (just as I hope and pray I can find it in me) to direct the outcome of this. The realisation that I can take charge - even by fantasizing about something as criminal as paying someone to .... whatever - has been enormously empowering for me. You need to know his movements, and you need to plan, and you need to put emergency plans in place for when your spy reports that he is leaving the house with a suitcase.

We are powerless against the past, we have enormous power in the present.

 

[Shellbell]

Dear Gizmo, thank you for your kind words. You are so caring. I'm so glad I know you on here.

Big hugs to you too. You have known considerable fear and terror as well and I am so glad you no longer have to fear your father. I am really thankful for that.

(((Gizmo))).

 

[Shellbell]

Pencil, I do understand your feeling of being safer when being closer to your siblings and knowing you have the support of the authorities around you. It's like the old expression 'keep your friends close, and your enemies closer'.

You are so much stronger than me. I couldn't have that courage and strength and make a stand. You are not letting them win.

I let him terrorise me to move to the other side of the world. And even doing that, I still don't feel safe.

I think you are probably right to do what you are doing, and I think it's amazing that you are showing your child not to run. You are a positive role model.

I'm not, I ran.