When You Understand You Didn't Deserve It

[p-no]

What do you do when you have come to fully understand that you didn't deserve any of the abuse or the things that life has thrown at you, i.e. having been born into the family you were born into, having crossed a street at the wrong time in the wrong place, etc.?

I have understood this for a while with regard to all the aspects of it, and partly all my life (e.g. the child sexual abuse, I never felt or thought I deserved it). Until now, roughly, that has been a great relief. For a few days now, it hasn't been. Been going down deep lately.

There is no reason, whatsoever, in what I have gone through. Zero.

I am not saying it hasn't changed me and didn't have positive effects on me as a person. I am saying though that it was "life" (e.g. being born into the family I was born into) or "fate" as some may call it, and the abuse was from people, intentionally, in the sense that they could have chosen differently but didn't.

I can't stand this. I want to turn my insides out and puke all day. I want people to stay far, far away from me in the so-called real life. I want to go abroad somewhere, to a little village in Africa or whatever, and just have my peace and quiet. Actually, with my professional background that is more than just a rough option, I could actually do that, and I have started thinking about this more seriously and looking for vacancies (found some too).

What do you do with this not having deserved any of it? It just having happened to you because some things just happen and other things people choose to do to you.

I'm sick with my life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Prime no))) My heart aches for you. I understand about not deserving it. It is an insidious thing that happened to us. All the hell, terror, and horror we endured and suffered.

I am so sorry for all that happened to you. There is no good reason for what you went through. You were born into a shitty family that did not see or hear the real you, and they controlled you and tried to stamp out and kill the real you.

This happened to so many of us. To accept this face forces some changes inside and out.

I am so sorry you are so sick of your life. I encourage you to keep on journaling and mabe the solutions will surface in the journaling. It works that way with me.

We have to reparent ourselves and meet our unmet needs. We have to comfort ourselves. We have to stop self abusing ourselves with the negative things we tell ourselves. We have to treat ourselves with the love that we never got before. I am convinced that this is door of healing. All we have to do is make the commitment to ourselves.

It is a process and it will take time. When we were young our survival coping mechanisms saved out lives. Now they work against us. We have to relearn so much. This is what I think and believe.

I believe that you are a wonderful human being with many gifts and talents. I hope for the day when you can see the good in you that they did not destroy. You are a treasure. Big hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

Me personally, I file it in the "Shit Happens" file... and conclude, "Now What?" Not deserving it was only part of my problem... because deserved or not it happened none the less. I try to gather myself up and rise to the occasion as best as I am able... for as long as I am able. It takes mindfulness, it takes, energy, it takes effort... but I press on ahead because for me, I do not like where the victimization label leads.

I choose to be more than the sum of my parts. I won't let what happened to me dictate the rest of my life. I press on and keep getting back up. It's my life, damn it, and I won't let what happened to me rule over me and prevent me from living the life I have left.

 

[Hashi]

What do you do with this not having deserved any of it? It just having happened to you because some things just happen and other things people choose to do to you.

I'm sorry for what you're going through with this. It's a dark, horrible, sickening thing to realise and face.
I think you need allow and express your feelings about it, because it is unjust, random, cruel, pointless, senseless and beyond comprehension.

Then you have to let it go. I struggle to do this, but I think it's the only thing we can do.

Some time ago a child was killed here in the UK and the mother was astonishing. In her grief and anguish, she said the one thing she and her husband agreed was that they wouldn't get bitter. They had to remind themselves of that all the time. They had another daughter and it was partly for her sake, but also for their own. They were helpless over what had happened, except for being able to chose not to be forever poisoned by it.

Echoing Gizmo and Albatross, I hope if you do move to a small, peaceful village it's not from bitterness but because you're choosing something good and meaningful for yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess recognizing you didn't deserve it means you should never allow yourself to carry any blame, shame, guilt, self doubt, or self-recriminations.

((((((((P-no))))))))

 

[Red Feather]

There are so many revelations that need to occur after dealing with abuse. And I think that question, i.e. WTH did this have to happen to me????? is a really good question. I mean, WTF, I did not deserve this and I did not choose it either. It's not about deserving something or not. Deserving implies that somebody has done something wrong and therefore needs to be punished. The word already implies the abuse that caused it, which included the mindset that keeps the cycle of abuse alive.

It is a new belief system to know that you deserve pure happiness instead of pain, much more than any abuser ever dreamed of. Is that all this is about then? Just about learning to see the truth... ?

 

[Whitneys story]

(((((((((((((((prime-no)))))))))))))))

Excellent thread. I have been thinking on this a lot lately. I feel fortunate on one hand that somehow I have had the strength to keep pushing through. What I can't find in my brain is how I achieved it. Going into isolation will not help even if you feel this way right now.

I wish you peace and happiness in your journey. You deserve every bit of goodness, don't let go of it.
Behemoth Hugs, Whitney:hug:

 

[Shellbell]

I know intellectually that I didn't deserve it, but too many years of conditioning by many people that I did deserve it, it's a struggle to accept it in my heart. Shame and guilt are hard to shake off.

I know I didn't deserve it, but I've always believed everything happens for a reason, so what the reason is, is beyond me.

(((((Prime-no))))). If I didn't have kids, I'd be joining you in Africa.

 

[Abstract]

I can't feel any emotional connection to this for myself but have heard that one of the roles self blame has is that it gives us the illusion of power. We have some sense of controlling it as we deserved it. It also gives us a sense of rightness in the world and the world making some sense. Take that away and we realise that we neither had power nor does the world make sense in this context. That is hard.

Actually I think despite your pain you should be very proud that you can accept and see it was not your fault! Its an ownership of truth even though that truth comes with its own pain.

Much comfort and caring to you. You don't deserve this pain and many things in the world do make sense even though abuse does not.

 

[Britt.f7]

In my 20's I hurt so badly that I wondered what I did to deserve what happened in my life. I figured whatever it was that I did must have been pretty bad, why else would what happen happen if I had not been so bad/evil.

After I spent a month in PTSD/sexual abuse treatment, I really wanted a job that had no telephones and I did not have to deal with people. A closet sounded exciting to me.

Now that I am going through things again, 20 years later, I am feeling like I would like to go somewhere, alone. I love my husband and boys, but I would really like to retreat into oblivion.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Shellbell]

Now that I am going through things again, 20 years later, I am feeling like I would like to go somewhere, alone. I love my husband and boys, but I would really like to retreat into oblivion.

I feel exactly the same.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to go and sit in my dark closet when I first started therapy. The need to escape the pain, anguish, and grief was too overwhelmning. Over time it gets easier. It just takes time and hard work. You did not deserve it. No one deserves it. It was not your fault and you are innocent.