I Need Everyone's Opinion

[discarded]

I wanted to know the how, when, what, why and who with, when I discovered my husband's internet affair. I can't forgive him because he won't address any of the issues, he went so far as to say he didn't need my forgiveness as he didn't think what he did was any of my business or inappropriate. Seems to me he must felt a little bit guilty about it as he kept it hidden for a long time. I think the first step in being able to forgive is establishing if the perpertraitor wishes to be forgiven and shows remorse.

 

[rightkindofme]

I need to forgive myself. I don't need to forgive anyone else. It might be useful for me to do so at some point when it makes sense for me--but I don't have to.

That's how I think of it. Forgiveness is about letting go of stress in your body. At some point (I hope) it will no longer be useful for me to hold on to my anger--it won't be protecting me any more. At some point I need to work on not feeling anger. Anger poisons me--not the people I am mad at. Hell, they are dead. They don't care any more.

At some point, maybe when I'm 90, I will be ready to understand that most of the people who abused me did so because they were abused and hurting. Right now I don't care. I don't forgive them. Maybe some day.

 

[saffy]

I was in more inner conflict about thinking I should forgive them when I did not want to.

A person has to earn my 'forgiveness' and it depends on the severity on whether I ever do or not.
It is my choice and in most cases I have pitied, empathised and understood but never wanted to forgive. So I did not. Why should I?

Forgiveness should be a personal thing and you can heal with or without it.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Blondie362]

I have no desire to forgive any of the evil B***** that have wrecked my childhood and part of my adulthood, they were evil, power hungry, and controlling. Therapists try and teach us to forgive so we can move on..Oh that it was so simple.

I don't want sit and think what made that person do AB&C to me, or what may have happened in their lives to commit such disgusting acts.. they can burn in hell, as that's what my life was/has/ is for many years-HELL!!

Many of the therapists that say this don't have a clue, and are never likely to experience what we have, so its such an easy comment to make for them, it must be wonderful to live in a fluffy bubble behind a desk, sadly the reality for us has been far from that.. Forgive them? no thanks ..I hope when their time is up they meet a less than gracious maker .:devilish::devilish:

 

[DharmaGirl]

My mom never forgave my dad for anything. They divorced in 1974, and she is still bitter and angry. My dad before he passed, would ask after my mom. It is a shame she has to continue to be bitter and angry. I don't see it as forgiveness, I see it as letting it go. I will hold it and learn from it, but I will allow my hate and anger and sadness to dissipate.

 

[Britt.f7]

I always believed that I had to understand and accept any wrong that has ever happened to me or was being done to me. I did not consider that forgiveness. However, one day I did wake up and realize that, while I may understand, I did not need to accept.

I have forgiven my parents for their shortcomings(to put it nicely), however, I do not forget. I don't believe that you have to forget in order to forgive, despite what the saying says. Why would I set myself to have the past repeat itself?

I would never had thought, before my healing, that forgiveness would mean so many different things to people. Especially on this forum, I have learned how true that is.

Now, no one "has" to forgive. There are too many things that have already been taken from us, told to us, and happened to us that we had little to no control over. I refuse to be told that I "have" to do something or that I "should" regarding my traumas. Trust me, I have to remind myself of that.

I truly believe that forgiveness is not for the perpetrator. Do you think my parents or attackers care if I forgave them? I can assure you they don't. No, the forgiveness is for me. The hate and the unforgiving, eats away at me, not them. Every so often it creeps back in me and takes it's toll on my mind and body. I fight it. I believe, it is at that time, that they are winning.

This really is a hot topic on this site. In the end, despite everyone's help and kind words, what you decide to do has to fit you. You deserve to do what you feel is right for your person. It is what you own. No one can tell you otherwise.

I wish you strength in finding your truth.

 

[12roses]

Forgiveness is a choice, not nessesarily a feeling or emotion. Like you said, it may not be your time yet, it is a very hard thing to do, but be patient with yourself. It may be helpful to you in the future, but know that by forgiving someone you are not saying that their actions were okay, you are helping yourself to heal. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Pencil]

For me it is a question of power, and I think we need to do what gives us most power in any given situation, as traumatic incidents / situations / histories render us powerless. Any sane person would 'hate' that. Hate and/or anger can give one a sense of power and enough energy, motivation, impetus to get out of a dangerous situation and to start healing. I don't think one can start healing without that, and I think to nag someone to forgive slows down and places obstacles in the 'getting away from' process. But further along that road the hate can hold us back, as it keeps us in the same spot. The idea is to keep moving.

I never consciously or deliberately forgive, as I don't feel I have to, as a 'crap situation' (to use a euphemism) places me under no obligation to anyone else. What I have found is that when there is enough time, space and healing, it starts to matter less, and something that might almost be somewhere in the region (you see, it's very vague :)) of forgiveness happens by itself. It happens when I feel I have enough power to not care a damn about the f*wit.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It's important to know the difference in forgiveness and forgetting. Imagine if you walked in your front door one day and I hit you in the chest with a baseball bat. Now you might forgive me for doing it but every time you walk through that doorway again you would always remember.

It's a moving on thing. The person may not deserve your forgiveness but I think it's important that you allow yourself to forgive him. I have a resentment chip. It's an adaptation from AA. I keep it in my pocket. When I feel the anger and the thoughts start running through my head I rub it and I pray for the person who is the focus of those feelings. I'm not sure I have forgiven the ones I'm angry at either but it's difficult to be pissed and pray that the person will see the damage they are doing and turn themselves around.

I rubbed so hard I broke the first one I had so I have one made of hardened steel now. It helps me not obsess. It breaks the pattern until something comes along to keep my attention.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You are under no obligation to forgive anyone you don't wish to, and it is invalidating, rude, and a boundry violation for ANYONE to 'should' on a survivor.

 

[Pencil]

You are under no obligation to forgive anyone you don't wish to, and it is invalidating, rude, and a boundry violation for ANYONE to 'should' on a survivor.

Couldn't agree with you more. Please post it again so I can like it again.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

You are under no obligation to forgive anyone you don't wish to, and it is invalidating, rude, and a boundry violation for ANYONE to 'should' on a survivor.

I think your mixing up why someone would want to forgive. It's for you not them. Being consumed by an ever present anger and hatred isn't healthy. Been there done that. Maybe it's not forgiveness as much allowing yourself to move on.

Praying for someone who has mistreated you with a resentment chip allows you to alter the anger cycle. A thought stop protocol.

I'm not a big religious person but I do like the section in and around Romans 21:12 since it fits my situation often and gives some perspective. "Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good." It's not my job to get revenge on the abuser and I refuse to give them the power to invade my life with all of the resentment and anger. I'm not sure if that is what it means to most people but it speaks to me in that way.