Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Pencil]

it is a choice to make as to how much healing we achieve.

A week ago I would have agreed, but I'm now becoming aware of attachment and relational issues, as well as other issues that can only be dealt with in a relationship with another person - which is an option I've never had. This complicates matters somewhat.

 

[Shellbell]

I think there are many barriers to healing and they complicate the healing process.

My inability to deal with the pain of my past and dissociating all the time is a huge problem. I can't talk about the worst stuff with my T and I can't start EMDR and I can't stop the dissociation. It's like my brain just senses anything to do with the severe stuff as danger and straight away I dissociate every time now.

And dissociation is involuntary - it's not a choice, so how I'm meant to get past that, I don't know.

 

[Hashi]

Shellbell, you're right that dissociation is not a choice. I think it can be got past, though, by working on safety, grounding and resources. If we can get to a different state of safety, then the dissociation reflex doesn't need to happen any more.

When dissociation is very bad, it's not the time to work on trauma and pain. It's time to put that on hold and work on ways to feel safe. That doesn't mean we're not working on healing. In itself, it's a big part of healing.

Am I really the only person who thinks we can fully heal, whatever our experiences? Skimming this thread I seem to be. Lonely here if so...

Sending good thoughts to all.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell I am so sad that you are dissosociating so much. Like Hashi said you need to feel safe. A healthy person does not do it because they feel safe. I wonder if you can tell your T that you need to feel safe so that you do not dissosociate? Mabe you have done that already. My heart goes out to you during this very painful and distressing time in your life. I wish the best for you. Big hugs.

 

[Shellbell]

Hashi, I think some people can fully heal. And any amount of healing is positive and worth the struggle and the pain.

I don't really know if I can fully heal or not, as I (and none of us) know what the future will bring.

Right now, it feels now like I am beyond full healing. It feels like I am too damaged, as I am barely getting through each day and only with increasing amounts of numbness and dissociation. And my T is incredibly slow. In fact there doesn't seem to be any progress in T, but there probably is, as coming out of denial in itself is a hugely distressing and seemingly lengthy process.

I think having a positive outlook on healing and hope are important.

I think there are times, many times, when we all feel like there is no hope and the despair that accompanies that fear.

 

[Abstract]

I really agree with Gizmo very much. Yes, there can be many obstacles and often are. But it is actually fighting to get better that makes the difference I think. Many many different personality quirks and behaviours can help us progress just like others can impeded us. And it is working with these as best as we can and getting help that makes the difference. Bit of a hypocrite because I am so stuck with trauma stuff :inpain: but what helps me is that I did recover from a very long term ED. Trauma isnt like that and one cant delete it but the concept of fighting for a better life seems the same to me.

I can't talk about the worst stuff with my T and I can't start EMDR and I can't stop the dissociation.
And dissociation is involuntary - it's not a choice, so how I'm meant to get past that, I don't know.

Dear Shellbell:hug:

It sounds very hard and I relate a lot. I don't need to discuss anything related to trauma stuff for me to switch off even. Normally my T asking me "how are you" is enough and in fact sometimes I sit down without having started anything and am gone. The last 15 sessions I did I spoke on average about 3 mins or so in every 50 min session.

But while we are doing that we are building trust. We are also hopefully finding ways around the dissociation. Actually getting to a point where there is enough trust and enough control of dissociation to do emdr is something a lot of us experience. My T wanted to do emdr with me too but I was and still am absolute miles away from it being possible. I think our minds are controlling the pace we go and as frustrating as that is that is the way it needs to be.

And just controversially there are some tough love approaches that do treat it as a choice. I still can't get my head around it but I know someone who has fully recovered from DID and has no PTSD symptoms and she said what worked the best for her was that. That she was very upset at the time but they were not allowed to engage in any way if they were dissociated. Can't get my head around it but there you go. :confused:

 

[Shellbell]

Gizmo, I think you are right, I don't feel safe and that probably is a huge issue for the dissociation.

I do need to tell my T and my doc.

Thank you :hug:

 

[Abstract]

In fact there doesn't seem to be any progress in T, but there probably is, as coming out of denial in itself is a hugely distressing and seemingly lengthy process.

I think there are times, many times, when we all feel like there is no hope and the despair that accompanies that fear.

I very much agree Shelbell. And I think it's important for us to able to speak about any way we are feeling and acknowledge it. I think feeling hopeless is a normal part of any recovery journey.

And I so agree with you re denial! Just trusting enough to speak and not dissociate is healing in and of itself.

:hug:

 

[Shellbell]

Abstract, I know what you mean about not even having to get to the trauma before dissociating.

I feel like I'm dissociating before I even get in to T. And I struggle to stay grounded and then as soon as she mentions any trauma or abusers, I'm gone and I can't stop it. And then we spent 20+ minutes getting me back to the point where I can safely drive home.

I have told her. She knows, she's told me she can see it happening. I don't feel safe and maybe I need to build more trust in her first.

Thank you Abstract I know this is all very difficult for you too :hug:

 

[Abstract]

That doesn't mean we're not working on healing. In itself, it's a big part of healing.

Am I really the only person who thinks we can fully heal, whatever our experiences? Skimming this thread I seem to be. Lonely here if so....

Hashi,
I very much agree that learning to deal with dissociation is in itself important healing and progress. And I actually do think there is potential for full healing in the context that in life we never truly go back to how we were. The reason I think that is because I have come across some with extremely severe trauma histories, some with DID, who have made what I would call full recoveries. Recovery to me is living a full and healthy life. It isnt some magical concept of undoing everything that is done and going "back".

 

[Abstract]

I have told her. She knows, she's told me she can see it happening. I don't feel safe and maybe I need to build more trust in her first.

It is really horrible and I hate it as I feel so out of control. :( It is the trust itself that gets me and that means it happens way before the trauma is relevant.

I have heard and have found that it is better to leave the trauma stuff totally off the table until you build some trust with your T if you dissociate this much. So maybe discussing that with your t might help you Shellbell.

I don't know if I said before but I have a forum friend (different forum) who dissociates this much too and for many years initially and the way they (her and her t) approach T is that dissociating is a helpful way to identify when there is a scar/hurt there and that can actually help guide the T process. I try to let that sink in! :rolleyes:

Sorry this is all so hard and painful Shellbell.

 

[Shellbell]

I hate the lack of control over my mind, so much. It's distressing knowing I'm doing something that I am actually trying to fight against.

And I hate it that my T knows how I'm doing even just by my breathing. I hate being watched and evaluated.

Yes, I really do need to build more trust.