Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[saffy]

It is journey of self discovery, all of it and there is so much confusion for many of us.

Hi Shellbell

I was thinking about this again last night in bed. I realsised that because I was abused both mentally and physically by people who I was supposed to trust it has completely skewed my judgement about things.

I am confused because when I wanted to be trusting it was abused. Their actions did not match what I expected them to be. It just did not make sense. So no wonder I had no insight of how to 'read' people or no wonder I am so untrusting.

In addition because I was never allowed my own thoughts and feelings, always told they were wrong or not important it confused the hell out of me. what ever I thought I doubted if it was right or not. In the past even though I was convinced I was right about something I was told I wasn't. No wonder I am so confused on how to feel and think.

I also realised that I had no idea how to communicate properly with people. It was always major arguements that led into full fist fights and blood. I thought I had no rights as a person. I was not to be taken seriously, listen to or agreed with. No wonder I am so defensive sometimes, will my opinion or questioning led to conflict. Or no one listens anyway, but then I am not sure if I am right or not.

This is why, I think that learning these new skills and really learning about myself has really helped. I can make a decision and stick with it happily, I can look after my own needs too, and I can talk to people as equals but I have to do it in a better way, so learning what it means to be assertive has really helped in my case.

hope that makes sense. Hope you are well today :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Saffy,

And yes that did all make a lot of sense to me. There is a lot of doubt and confusion and it does affect our ability to see things clearly and I think it makes us react differently.

I think that I am only recently starting to see some things more clearly, like how abusive my mother was and some of these realisations, less clouded by confusion, denial and hurt are casuing me a lot of distress. It's so much to get my head around and involves a lot of pain, emotion and betrayal and there will need to be a grieving process for my childhood, that I have never allowed myself.

I am also very untrusting and I think comes with the territory of being abused as children. As a child I trusted people too much and learned this was a dangerous concept, as it always resulted in, and caused pain, hurt and damage.

I've told my T that I trust no-one. I don't trust my husband even and he knows that. There is a part of me that holds back, not willing to let that get hurt, used, abused, betrayed. I am aware it will take a lot for me to get past that.

I'm really glad you are learning new skills from having insight into yourself. Trusting yourself to make good decisions, taking care of yourself and being assertive are all necessary skills and I struggle with these too, so also need to look at this more.

I think you are making wise choices for yourself and this is self care and working towards healing and changing the past to a positive outcome. Thank you sharing this.

I am feeling better thank you :hug:

 

[saffy]

It seems we are very similar creatures Shellbell :hug:

I can't say it has been easy, I am still on this path but it does get easier. I think you can see that in yourself too, Like me it was little bits of realisation like this.

one moment at a time and don't rush the proccess, learn from each step :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[nimkekaa]

I don't believe my trauma is over. I believe more will happen. I know I could be facing more, worse in the future. I still believe his threats of death are real, against me and my family.

After everything you've been through it's normal to be still afraid.

My father threatened me with the worst thing I can imagine if I told his secret and now I fear for my children's safety. I know that if he goes down (thinks he is going to go to jail) then he will do everything in his power to make me suffer and that will be through hurting my children.

I am trying to put as many safety messures in place but after you see what someone is capable of then it's hard to feel safe as long as they are alive.

I can't think of any words of comfort but I do understand where you are coming from.

Hugs

 

[Shellbell]

My father threatened me with the worst thing I can imagine if I told his secret and now I fear for my children's safety. I know that if he goes down (thinks he is going to go to jail) then he will do everything in his power to make me suffer and that will be through hurting my children.

I am trying to put as many safety messures in place but after you see what someone is capable of then it's hard to feel safe as long as they are alive.

Thank you Nimkekaa, yes the fear of your children being threatened is beyond. And they know how to hurt us the most - through our children.

I really hope your father gets exactly what he deserves, and stays away from you and your children. I'm glad you are putting safety measures in place.

Big hugs for you too :hug:

 

[Trinomial]

I think about this too. I have to remind myself that I'm not crazy, I'm just traumatized. I don't know your backstory, but we don't become a wreck over night. It's a process. Also, the depression and hoplessness a lot of us experience is just our brain's way if processing what happened to us. It's okay to question yourself, in fact, it's a sign if mental health.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be whole, but the truth is, I am whole. I just have a distorted view from being overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings that resulted from my trauma.

My biggest worry is that I don't feel intimate. I have a general compassion for people, but I don't feel as though I can truly love someone because my view on love is so messed up.

Sorry for the ramble. I feel broken often, but intellectually, I know I'm not broken. I hope that helps.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Trinomial, a lot of what you said I relate to. Especially the depression, and hopelessness and feeling too broken to be fixed, which I am increasingly feeling.

I'm only at the start of T and only recently acknowledging my trauma's and their affects, so I hope to be able to reach a point where these emotions, which I know are driven by fear, lesson.

My T and talked about what I know intellectually and how I have good insight into my trauma's and my illness, but I don't 'feel' what I can intellectualize and she said it will take time to undo the core level damage done.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell you are at the beginning of your therapy. As I remember I was a complete basket case. I felt damaged beyond any hope of repair for me. It took many years to start to feel better because I kept on being traumatized.

I think I would have felt better sooner had I been left alone in peace. I was bewildered and confused and I wanted to talk about it to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately I did not pick safe people to talk to.

I needed so much. The boundry teachings came much later. I had alot of painful and costly lessons with people. I kept on being betrayed.

I read and researched and tried to learn as much as I could. Books became my friends because they were truthful with me.

I think you are doing amazingly well with what you are currently dealing with even though you may not feel that way. You are healthy and strong. You will heal. You did not get this way overnight and it will take time.

I hated how much time it was taking for me. I was so impatient. I had so much to learn. I was devasted and felt like the walking dead. It was very hard.

I had a change of three therapist. I stayed with one for the longest. She helped me to cope with the life dramas I had going on. But I did not deal with the past trauma.

The emdr helped me out the most. I think I was ready for it. It took the sting out of the bad memories for me and I am not tortured and tormented by them anymore.

Your process is unique to you. You are still being traumatized so your process is more of a challenge. But once he is out of the picture your healing will speed up. I am confident of this.

I had alot of denial before I entered therapy too. It really was hard to learn how to replace the truth with what I had been denying. I hope this makes sense to you. Big hugs.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you for sharing some of your journey Gizmo, I really appreciate that.

I'm not glad that your journey has been so hard for you, but very glad it has been one that has moving towards and gaining healing and I think for many of us, it is an ongoing long road. I am very glad your memories don't torture you anymore Gimzo - that is a huge achievement for you to reach that point in your healing :hug:

My T explained to me - which was quite confronting but necessary - my healing journey is like being a line from one side of the room to the other, and I am about an inch along that. She also said my journey with God is the same and will run parallel to that. She explained at times the movement along that line will be very slow, sometimes I may go backwards a bit and sometimes I may move along quicker. But the goal, is to keep moving along the line, little by little.

So, it was a simple explanation, but it gave me some perspective to understand that I cannot be impatient and it will take as long as it takes. I think these more simple explanations are all my PTSD jelly brain can cope with these days. The intellectualizing hurts.

I too, have made mistakes, told some people what's happening and I shouldn't have, so I am learning these hard lessons as I go along.

I'm going to be having EMDR, but not until I am stable enough to deal with it - which the way it's going won't be for some time yet. My T goes away for a month over Christmas, so the T slows down further. I hope the EMDR will help the processing of the trauma's. But again, my T had said this is no quick fix and even after that - I have a lot of work to do. And I can move along through this journey, it isn't quick, but still so worth it.

 

[Abstract]

so I hope to be able to reach a point where these emotions, which I know are driven by fear, lesson.

My T and talked about what I know intellectually and how I have good insight into my trauma's and my illness, but I don't 'feel' what I can intellectualize and she said it will take time to undo the core level damage done.

I think we should never underestimate how much re experiencing affects our perspective on things. I am learning that for me anyway. I have had a lessoning of symptoms in the last month or so and it astounds me how different certain thing looks even though the facts are the same.When I am in a bad phase it seems everything is tainted all the time. It may not help you but it does help me a bit sometimes. Dont know if that makes sense.

I relate a lot to your thoughts about intellectual understanding and actually converting that into feeling and inner knowledge. I have an extremely strong logical self. More recently I have thought that it has actually prevented me from healing and getting help at times. But all and all it is a life saver. It has allowed me to be functional and have understanding in so many situations. Intellectuality is such an effective way to avoid and separate from feelings or reality for me. Often I don't want to admit to the real hurt behind it but I am getting better. But it also helps me have insight and knowledge and that is very powerful.

I think your ability to have this understanding can be a big ally on your road to recovery! I see that strength in you.:)

I think the line analogy is a great one! I tend to think of it as a river. Sometimes it winds back on itself but it is still part of the journey forward.

Its helpful if hard to know where you are in the journey and also helpful to see that it is a process and does have a end.

Please dont feel obliged to answer at all but I was wondering if you have ever had any T before.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Abstract :hug:

No, I've never had T for the trauma stuff before. I did have a few sessions of counselling at the end of my first marriage in my 20's. But as soon as my past came up, I was out of there, never to return.

I avoided, minimised at all costs, was in denial a long long time, whilst still having lots of PTS symptoms of insomnia, nightmares, hyper-viligance, and pretty much had a lot of bi-polar type symptoms most of my life - swinging from high almost frantic energy, crashing to low depressive states. Even though I excelled at my job in local government for 14 years, I had a bad sick record, taking time off when low.

It's probably why my mental health doc wants me on Seroquel, which I think she is going to put me back on next week when I see her.

I think our ability to understand and have insight is a strength and is helpful, but it also causes a lot of frustration.

I also agree with you saying the bad phases feel like everything is tainted, that makes perfect sense to me. I think that's where I am at now.

 

[Abstract]

It makes total sense that that is where you are now. I have been in a very bad phase for about two years and part of the reason I am better at present is that I am isolating and avoiding T! So not for the right reasons. But I am glad I am having it as even though I know it won't last it gives me something to hang onto cognitively.

Gosh you have so much healing to look forward to! Really. It is very sad you have never received any help. That is what I meant by that strong logical part keeping me from help in certain ways. I would have been totally like you if it had not been that my ED took things out of my hands. I am really grateful for that now. I still managed to have all those years of T with total denial that anything bad had ever happened to me, refusal to talk about any of it (as it was not necessary) and total detachment from emotions.

I am actually excited for you now as truly there is so much healing that comes with even the little things. And then who knows what having processed the bigger things feels like.

I think trauma can also cause a lot of mood instability even when someone is not technically BP. Lots of trauma sufferers are put on mood stabilisers and I think they can help from what I know. But even more important if you are BP.

You seem to have survived your T session very well which is great. :hug: