Please Help, I 'stonewall' And Need Help To Stop Before It's Too Late

[IndigoButterfly]

I have only today learned the real word for what I think explains how I have been reacting in my relationship of 3 years. I know it is often directed at men but I am female and I seem to be unintentionally stonewalling. I know that may sound silly, I have read this is an abusive attitude and that is why I need help as that is not what I am trying to do! It is ruining my otherwise very stable and loving relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years as I give him the 'cold shoulder' or just go completely silent and understandably he feels so shunned and unloved :(

I may be using the wrong term if stonewalling is only an intentional thing. I basically become overwhelmed, because I am feeling tired or unwell (I suffer with m.e/chronic fatigue syndrome also) or just unsure about something in the relationship and then I 'shutdown'. I lose all sense of feeling for my boyfriend because I am so overwhelmed by emotion in my own head and feel consumed by it so much so that I can focus solely on that only or become 'numb and blank' to shut out the pain or the problem that needs to be dealt with.

My boyfriend is so loving and this is what I don't understand, I know I could easily talk to him about anything and he always asks what he can do to help.. but I just become speechless, literally. Please does anyone else get/do this?? My bf has tried hugging me, leaving me alone, talking, not talking- but I can be silent for hours, sometimes with on and off phases lasting days. I feel so upset and trapped and I know it hurts him so much, so please, can anybody help? How do I change my thought pattern or "snap out of it"?? I'm so stuck for what to do as it just comes out of nowhere. thankyou so much.

 

[Sues]

I haven't experienced this, but I wanted to say hi and that I'm sorry for the hard time you are going through.

(((hugs)))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am not going through this either and I am sad that you are. I hope someone comes along that deals with what you are dealing with. I am glad you have your boyfriend he sounds like a keeper.

Are you in therapy seeing a proffesional? This sounds like something that a therapist would handle with you. If you do not I hope you consider it. Be well and best wishes with what is going on in your life.

 

[Sing2me]

I get the same way a lot. Completely numb to where I've learned if me and my husband are arguing I have to make a decision based on how I think I'll feel later. And even giving a response can be hard. You find yourself giving a simple nod to a question you'd normally answer with an entire paragraph, and feeling like it took a huge amount of effort. I personally can't "snap out of it". I usually start doing art, writing, or music, sometimes cleaning, until I feel I can figure out what caused it in the first place. Then I tell him. Realizing why and then saying it out loud seems start getting me out of it fairly quickly. Once I stayed up 3 days straight doing pottery, drawing ect. Didn't even go to sleep. The only person I haven't shut down on is my son and that's because I fight it, fake it, whatever. He just happened to be on a little vacation with my family during that time. I'm sorry your dealing with this too. When I feel like that I'll listen to the song "My Love" by Celine Dion. She sings it alone but if you listen to the lyrics it's more like two people. I'll send it to my husband its kind of our message I guess.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hi IndigoButterfly sorry to hear you're having such a bad time.

But I can relate to your situation. I have post viral fatigue, chronic pain from neuralgia, and a slew of other medical nastiness that's the cause of my PTSD. But I DO get what you're saying. I'm actually working on this right now. Trying to NOT shut out people.

And it's damn hard. Because how can you explain to someone that just being alive is physically exhausting? How could they possibly understand? There are no words to fully explain this to someone unless they themself have experienced it. They can be compassionate sure, but completely understand? ... I'm not too sure about that myself. And I think the hardest part is that I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I get speechless a lot because when someone asks me what to do, I don't know what I can say. I don't know what will help me at that given moment. And not knowing what will help only frazzles me me. So I seclude myself. Try to get a 'handle' on it, on myself. I've done it for years.

And it's especially hard with physical chronic illnesses because they are so intrinsically related to how we feel. How we feel emotionally affects how we feel physically and vice versa. It's a damn balancing act every single day and sometimes the lines are blurred to the point where I can't tell if I'm in physical or mental distress. And it's so painful that I like to shut down. To cut off. To purposely dissociate. Sometimes that's all I can do when it's really bad health wise. And that can last days to weeks depending on how bad I am physically.

And I know I sound like a Negative Nancy here, but I do have a point. You NEED to take care of yourself. If you're anything like me then you like to take care of things on your own and when you're not feeling well you just ignore it saying you've had worse. You can deal with it. Suck it up. Which only exacerbates the pain as well as makes the mood worse. For me the hardest part is admitting that I have a handicap. I don't like that word. In fact I HATE IT. Because it makes me feel weak. And because I associate that as a weakness I'm bullheaded enough to try to overcome it by ignoring it. I've done that for years. And it hasn't gotten me anywhere for years. If anything it only made things worse.

The hardest thing for me is admitting this. Admitting that I have a blatant weakness. To an extent I'm ashamed of it. Especially because I have such a tenuous grasp on it. The shame that I have a physical ailment and can't get a grasp on it.

But now I'm learning to accept it. I'm learning that this will never go away. And that I can't ignore it anymore. I can't keep living in denial. I can't live like that anymore. I won't live like that anymore.

So what to do? I've been practicing self awareness. If I'm suddenly finding myself growing emotionally cold I need to take a step back and assess what's going on. Am I having a flashback? Am I dissociating because of a trigger? Or is this a response to how I am feeling physically? And the hard part is catching yourself before it gets too strong and overwhelming. Catching the warning signs if you will.

And when I figure out what's wrong with me I'm practicing kindness directed at myself. I've never allowed myself that before. I always did what I had to do to survive and forewent feelings. Today for example I noticed the telltale signs of a migraine which would only royally screw me up for the rest of the day. Sure I could deal with it. But it wouldn't be pleasant. And by default I know I wouldn't be pleasant. So I forced myself to take a timeout. I took some meds, an ice pack, and 30 min to just lay down. I don't like that I have to do this. It downright annoys me and that's why I resisted doing it for so long. But I did it and it made all the difference. I was able to go out and enjoy my time with my friend. If I didn't do that I still would have gone out with my friend but would have suffered her presence as opposed to enjoying it.

It's slow going but the more you pay attention the more you learn about yourself. About what it is you need. And when you take care of yourself it's amazing how things just get better relationship wise with friends, family, and what have you. Because when you feel good you WANT to be with them.

However I know there are times when it doesn't work. That it doesn't stop the pain. It helps me to make contingency plans. If I'm having a bad time of it at a friends house, they know it, and ask me what they can do for me? I tell them to put in a movie. Watch it. Laugh. And I'll watch it with them. I'll force myself not to take myself out of the situation. Or if I'm at home I'll go to my room only AFTER I explain I need to be alone. And that when I figure it out I'll come out and talk about it. I do that to keep communication open.

Recognizing you're about to be overwhelmed or are overwhelmed in that very moment is helpful. If you are aware of it then you can think... what can I do? You can start to problem solve. You can recognize your patterns and if you can do that, then you can start to break those patterns. I've slowly been able to notice certain ways I'd react to certain stimulii, and when I KNOW what my reaction is going to be I can actively alter it to something else. Instead of finding solace in solitude I can made other people part of the healing.

It takes a long time. I've been working on this for nearly 7 months now and I'm just starting to see how much of a difference these small and seemingly unimportant exercises of self awareness have helped.

Sorry if I rambled. I tend to do that.

I hope that by sharing what has helped me can help you as well. I wish you the best.

 

[IndigoButterfly]

I haven't experienced this, but I wanted to say hi and that I'm sorry for the hard time you are going through.

(((hugs)))

Thankyou, means alot just to have the support x

 

[IndigoButterfly]

I am glad you have your boyfriend he sounds like a keeper.

Thankyou also :) He really is and that is why I am desperate to sort this out :( I am not currently in therapy.. I saw a few on the NHS and they really put me off as they were so unhelpful and not sympathetic at all. I will look into going into private/paid for therapy if this doesn't improve soon.. Thankyou for your support x

 

[IndigoButterfly]

I personally can't "snap out of it". I usually start doing art, writing, or music, sometimes cleaning, until I feel I can figure out what caused it in the first place. Then I tell him. Realizing why and then saying it out loud seems start getting me out of it fairly quickly.

It is so nice to be understood (although I am sorry you deal with this too). It really does feel like so much effort, so draining just to speak or even be able to explain. Sometimes I just can't work out what triggered it and so I can't explain even if I wanted to. It feels so lonely. I also love to do creative things, I have found that music and drawing or just having a laugh does really help, but most of the time none of those things are close by/to hand for me to just indulge into until i feel better.. maybe I should keep a little notepad and pen in my bag and close to my sofa where it usually happens, and just doodle until I come out of it. I think my boyfriend will be confused by it though, so I'll have to try and explain why and that I'm not just bored and feeling like colouring in instead of speaking to him! Thankyou so much and well done for being strong for your son, I really hope this situation improves for you soon x

 

[IndigoButterfly]

Hi IndigoButterfly sorry to hear you're having such a bad time.

But I can relate to your situation. I have post viral fatigue, chronic pain from neuralgia, and a slew of other medical nastiness that's the cause of my PTSD. But I DO get what you're saying. I'm actually working on this right now. Trying to NOT shut out people.

I just want to start by saying.. thankyou so much for taking the time to write that. Your 'rambling' really touched my heart, that you would take the time and express so many personal things to help me. You made me feel so understood and relieved that I am not alone (although I am sorry you are dealing with this too :( ) Where you mentioned how sometimes you don't even know what you need at that moment.. that is exactly how I feel. And yes, sometimes it is so hard to tell 'is this physical or emotional now?' sometimes it's both and you just don't know where to begin trying to help yourself to help others to help you! Everything you have said is so true for me aswell, from it making you feel weak to the point of catching the warning signs (which I think is my biggest problem) as sometimes I just can't figure out at all why i have isolated myself at that time.. I just cant see what led to that most of the time.

If I am tired, I can usually catch it being gradual or if I have been very energetic I know it will lead to that 'crash' and he expects that too usually. If I am emotional it comes on SO quickly I just dont even have time to say anything, to warn him or myself! And then the combination of both is deadly because I genuinely need to have a nap to be normal again and regain energy, but I am acting cold emotionally aswell and that leads my bf to become very upset and cold to me and then I can't seem to rest because I overthink. I'm either thinking nothing, or thinking everything, it is so frustrating.I think like you said.. frazzled. That is exactly how my mind feels.

I'm just not sure how I become aware when it seems so sudden.. I genuinely can't see what is leading me to do it. I have had childhood issues but there never seems to be a common trigger (im sure there must be I just dont know what..) sometimes I feel dissapointed and I become quiet because I feel hurt. But it is over silly things and I have realised to not be so selfish and have got better at that. But this seems different.. it's just so quick its really hard to see what has happened for me to change.

Is there a good place to look for self awareness exercises? I will have a google and see what I can find but if you have any recommendations please do share. Thankyou ever so much, you really have helped and I hope you continue to improve in your wellbeing both physically and emotionally xx

 

[Artfulone]

Hi Indigo Butterfly, I have had some similar numbing and symptoms. They have decreased with therapy and self learning/ growth. NHS therapists can be very poor for trauma sufferers let alone ones' with other medical conditions. It may be worth looking for a private therapist if you can find the funds.

Best wishes upon your journey of self healing.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm glad I could help. Honestly I felt such a kindred bond when I saw you had chronic fatigue I couldn't help myself. It's not often I can talk about this to someone and have them understand me. It really helped me in knowing I wasn't alone too.

sometimes I just can't figure out at all why i have isolated myself at that time.. I just cant see what led to that most of the time.

That's a hard question I've been asking myself for a while now... and I've come to the conclusion for me that it's a mixture of things.

1. One, sometimes being around people is physically painful. For me I have nerve damage in my ear. Listening to people talk or even move is actually very painful for me at times.
2. Othertimes I isolate myself when I'm not feeling well because I'm afraid that people will get sick of hearing me say I'm not feeling well. I have this paranoia that if I say I'm not feeling well too often people will not take stock of it anymore. As is if... as if they think I'm crying wolf. Or think... "oh what else is new" and brush it off as if it means nothing.
3. Or ... and I think this really affects me the most, is that I don't like talking about not feeling well. Admitting to it makes me depressed. Having people ask me about it makes me upset. All around my poor health is a touchy subject that I have difficulties talking about. So I purposely isolated myself just so I wouldn't have to talk about it.

So far that's what I've come up with :/ It's an ongoing process...

I genuinely need to have a nap to be normal again and regain energy

I have to do that too! There are days where I HAVE to nap if there's any possibility for me keeping up with the rest of the world. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who needs Siestas.

Is there a good place to look for self awareness exercises?

The best place I've found self awareness exercises is here on this site. The more I've enteracted with this site the better it's gotten for me. The more people you talk to the more you get out of it. I think it's a lot more helpful to get feedback from people than just from a workbook because there are certain threads that will resonate so closely to you and take you down a path of self discovery. With everyone chiming in you never know what you're going to discover next.

There's a few threads that may be really helpful to you in the General Chit Chat Forums. The "What are you feeling today?" And the "What have you done for yourself today?" They're simple but really profound threads. They make you take a step back and recognize what you're feeling and what you can do for yourself each day. You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. You can even just post a simple sentence. Whatever it is you do, it helps you build awareness. At first it can be hard to identify how you're doing, but the more you do it the easier it gets. You can post on those threads however many times you like. Some people do it daily (maybe even multiple times a day) or every now and then. I've found that the more I do those the more it's helped me deal with my emotions because I can finally identify what I'm feeling.

There's also a wicked good thread posted by Anthony called "The PTSD Cup Explanation" where he explains how stress affects someone with PTSD differently than someone without.

I'm just not sure how I become aware when it seems so sudden.. I genuinely can't see what is leading me to do it. I have had childhood issues but there never seems to be a common trigger....But it is over silly things.... But this seems different.. it's just so quick its really hard to see what has happened for me to change.

Reading what you've written is like looking back in time for me. This past spring is when I was diagnosed with PTSD because it was delayed onset. Years upon years of stress hit me all at once. And EVERYTHING upset me, even the most petty things like someone being 5 min late set me off. Things that never made me bat an eyelash before had me gritting my teeth. I don't know if that's what is affecting you but I see so many similarities to what you're discribing and what I felt this spring and summer. It's a horrible and terrible feeling and I was a wretch to be around and a lot of my relationships with people suffered because of it.

It was all too much at once and I caved in on myself. The thing that has helped me is just learning as much as I can. And trying to be emotionally honest with myself for the first time in years. Helping myself like this has made it possible for me to attempt to open up to others. I've admitted to a select few (and by few I mean 3 people) I'm having a really hard time and that I really need their help. And those relationships have been strengthened because of it. Admitting that I need help to others seems to be what really helped move things along.

I really wish you the best with all of this. And I hope things work out with you and your BF. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Five Leaves Left]

Thank you for posting. I stonewall, too. I haven't had a lasting relationship due to it and commend you for keeping up with yours as well as noticing the issue & seeking help. I don't have any suggestions due to my being currently in a similar state, slowly learning how to be present. But, know your honesty's appreciated and there are others who experience this. Best of luck to you on your journey.