Just Faced My Ptsd

[CrazyHorse]

Hello everyone!:)

I was raped three years ago and was diagnosed with PTSD a year and a half ago. The weird thing is that it only yesterday for the first time really occurred to me, that all I am going through is related to PTSD.

For a very long time, whenever I have been drunk, I have had strong reactions of anger, discomfort and the feeling of being in danger, and when waking up the next morning, I have a feeling of doom and gloom that just sticks with me. I tried to tell myself that I should get a grip. I should just drink less or stop reacting so strongly when drunk. I found this forum when I Googled alcohol and PTSD. What an eye-opener!

I am overwhelmed and relieved to find you guys, and read about your experiences. I felt I was reading about myself! In the past two years I have had two severe anxiety attacks which resulted in hospitalization. But that didn't even make me take my PTSD seriously!!! I had another anxiety attack three weeks ago which I manged to get through with the help of a good friend.

I have had a string of startle reflexes run wild the past six weeks. I am over-alert all the bloody time, which makes me exhausted. I feel so alienated from other 'normal' people, and from myself, and I could go on and on.... I am glad that I now face my PTSD, but on the other hand, it sadden's me, because it makes me feel like there really IS something wrong with me! You know?

Thanks for reading

Fary

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I know what you mean about knowing that something is wrong with you. It sounds like you had a very bad trauma and that will take time to heal from I think. I am wishing you the best. We can learn how to cope and manage our symptoms. But that takes time. I am wishing you the best.

 

[Sues]

Welcome Fary. I'm glad you're here and finding support. I know how you feel too when you think there's something wrong with you. I'm still figuring out how to cope with it all and I've found a lot of support here and some great info.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you so much Sues :)

Yeah, I find it hard to accept that someone put this on me! That their discision is having such a negative impact on my life. I am glad I can find support here. I wish I dared to try and find it in my real life too. I feel like I have alot of explaining to do to people around me, now that I have taken my PTSD seriously. But I am scared to. I don't want to be a burden, or make them think that I really am more crazy than I already am. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am crazy, but I hate special attention, and I don't want their pity. Especially not from my boyfriend. I was having a really bad time yesterday. A feeling of constant danger and a lot of suicidal thoughts. I so wanted to reach out and call my boyfriend, but for all the reasons above, I did not.

 

[Sues]

I feel like I have alot of explaining to do to people around me, now that I have taken my PTSD seriously. But I am scared to.

I know how you feel. I haven't told anyone about my PTSD. I'm scared and embarrassed and worried about how they'll react or treat me.

I actually don't think it matters to me much. It's something that I have to do on my own for myself. At least for right now. I don't feel like I can include friends or family in it. Maybe that will change later on. I don't know.

You said you wanted to reach out to your boyfriend. Maybe you could start reach out slowly, a little bit at a time, without making yourself feel too vulnerable at first. Maybe just see how it feels and go from there.

 

[JustBe]

Welcome top the Forum Fary! :)

 

[Flashpointgirl]

I know how you feel. I'm afraid too. Hope you can find lots of support here.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you too, Gizmo and movin'On:)

That is just the thing about my trauma. It is hard to explain really, but my rape was not an attack in the normal sense. I was passed out, so I did not really experience much of what was going on. I was not jumped, threatened, held down or in any way experienced violence during the rape. I just layed there, not being able to defend myself or even say no. My rapist was a man I had known for many years. The trauma for me is mostly that it happened! The betrayal of trust. That I was not safe where I thought I was safe. If that makes sense? Then all the seconday hurt began: No one understood. In peoples minds, It was not a real rape because no violence occured. I was traumatised, but had to defend my trauma all the time. I cut off almost all of my friends because of this and because most of them still hung out with my rapist. It helped me not to be reminded of him and the rape. But no matter how isolated I am, I can still not escape my PTSD.

 

[Spiderallis]

aww Fary, as you can see there's quite a few of us struggling with the idea that there's something wrong with us. It's quite reasonable to have an intense reaction after such an awful thing happened to you. I'm very sorry that your friends made things worse. Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

 

[CrazyHorse]

As you can see, I've changed my username. It is still me, but I like the name Crazyhorse better. He was cool ;)