Sufferer Jessica12 Introduction

[jessica12]

Hi out there.

My name is Jessica12. I live with ptsd/severe depressive disorder, SADD etc. etc.

The SADD (Seasonal Affective Disordered Depression) is what seems to be eating me alive right now. I recently visited a state with sunshine and bloomed like a flower, and it's all I can think of to move out of the very cloudy rainy state I've lived in for 20 plus years.

I have a rotten case of suicidal ideation. its getting out of hand. I'm on medications, but I think they are not working as well as in the past.

My childhood was a Stephen King novel, sexual abuse etc. bad mess.

I am holding on to life right now because I have 3 beautiful children. My husband killed himself 7 plus years ago when my youngest was 9 years old. He was my stronghold and anchor in life, and it's been an uphill battle that has been going downhill for some time now. Only now, today, when I checked the waiting period in my state for a gun permit, did I realize how far I've slipped.

I have (as many do) an absurd way of being able to lie to others about how I feel. I can be dying on the inside and look just fine and laugh with almost anyone. a survival tool I used as a child.

I am here trying to see others in my state of mind. To share thoughts and ideas.

My best thoughts to all of you out there struggling.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. You are not alone. I cannot imagine the pain and anguish you are in. There is alot of healing here in this plsce. Take your time and get comfortable and post when you are ready. It is nice to meet you,

 

[Lionheart]

Hello Jessica12,

Welcome to the forum. I am a survivor of sexual child abuse also and I struggle with PTSD, M.D.D. and S.A.D. as well. (I am being helped by a trauma therapist and a psychiatrist for medication management). I understand that it can be a real struggle at times, but you are not alone, so don't give up!!! It can get a lot better!

Wishing you peace, comfort and healing,
Lionheart

 

[Bilby]

I am holding on to life right now because I have 3 beautiful children. My husband killed himself 7 plus years ago when my youngest was 9 years old. He was my stronghold and anchor in life, and its been an uphill battle that has been going downhill for some time now. Only now, today, when I checked the waiting period in my state for a gun permit, did I realize how far I've slipped.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my brother to suicide and he left a family behind too. This presents so many issues within itself, and I can only imagine when combined with the other things that life has dealt you, that it must be incredibly difficult for you to cope. But keep holding on. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.

Thinking of you, and take care.

B x

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Jessica 12 and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

With therapy, tools (like this site), support, and a lot of hard work, it does get better.

 

[The Hermit King]

Wow this is weird. Ok first welcome to the forum there are a lot of awesome people on here and a lot of support and information as well. Ok anyway I have not been on and I just got on this morning for the first time in forever and posted on someones thread about an alarm clock that uses light to wake you up because they were curious about them and asked if anyone had one. Then I see your post and you mention having SAAD.

There is another little gadget I bought awhile back on Amazon made by the same company that makes those alarm clocks. Its called the goLITE BLU Light Therapy Device, you can google it or look on Amazon to find out how it works but I can tell you this thing works, at least for me it just makes me feel better in the mornings. I use mine while Im doing my A.M. workout. It was EXPENSIVE though like $150 bucks when I got mine several months ago on Amazon but it may be less now.

Anyway I am always buying and trying out gadgets of all kinds so that was one of them. I just thought it was weird because it mentions being used to help with SAAD and so there that is. I am sorry the road has been so rough for you and I really really hope you feel better this winter and every season after. Take care. :hug: