Sufferer I Hate Myself.

[aliceinwonderland]

Hello out there, to whoever might read this. I doubt it but its possible right?

So lately I've been going through a lot of changes in my life and I stumbled across this forum while I was researching why I have a hard time giving and receiving love.

I've been told before that I am 'easy to love' that I am charismatic and beautiful and charming. But for some reason I find that I think the exact opposite of myself. I think I'm ugly, disgusting, dirty, unworthy of love(but I want it), awkward, strange, unintelligent. Pretty much any negative thing I could possibly think about. But it does feel good to receive compliments regardless of how they go in one ear and out the other, they dont successfully build up my self esteem.

I had my daughter when I was 18 just graduated from high school and now I was a mom, the father never met the child or was ever involved in any way despite my efforts to include him in his child's life.

My mother was supportive of me in a sense. she basically went along with my emotional roller-coaster of deciding to keep the baby or abort or adopt out. Well I came to the conclusion that I wanted to raise the baby, being naive as I was. Not knowing that I would become an abusive mother physically and emotionally to this beautiful little daughter of mine, who I tried to love. TRIED. but failed for some reason I couldn't provide for her anything she needed and it was brought to my mother's attention that I wasn't fit to raise her and neither was she or anyone in our family. So we found a family for her after attempting to parent her for 3 years. Now I miss her a lot and my heart feels broken everyday. I cry or come close to tears everyday, if not I'm lashing out on my family and boyfriend because they are the closest to me.

Last night I decided to drink and walk around alone at night, being a young woman that's probably not a good idea, but whatever I didn't care, it feels good sometimes to put yourself in a dangerous situation, it feels good to be alone!

More and more I cannot stand being around people! and Im a waitress!

I sometimes feel completely isolated even though I'm around a bunch of people!

What the hell!!!! Why do I feel this way!!!

I go to counselling but I dont feel like its helping me, I dont know how to ask for help. I dont know what to do.

I sometimes pray and I ask God to save me, but nothing happens.

Maybe I already have the tools I need and I just need to use them. f*ck I dont know, every time I try to make a 'GOOD' decision it ends up going to shit. So now I'm almost paralyzed with the fear of making ANY decisions, even small ones.

Honestly all I want to do is sleep, sleep forever.

This might sound strange but I'm only 21 and I feel like my life is over.

I feel like I'm doomed for destructive patterns the rest of my life and that there is no such thing as true happiness and everyone is f*cked up, and no one is completely trust worthy.

My boyfriend seems to have some kind of unconditional love for me which scares me but is also comforting, it makes me wanna just run away with him and do nothing but hold each other for as long as possible. But I know its and unhealthy relationship and I might be abusive to him, yesterday while I was drunk I stabbed him with my words and made him cry and I felt NOTHING, is was completely numb.

I was saying crazy and hurtful things with a big smile on my face like I wanna die, and why dont you stop loving me, you shouldn't love me, look at me im ugly im unlovable.
But he still wants me and wants to help me. What if he only feels sorry for me?

I am afraid that I could possibly do something to jepordize our relationship but I instead express those fears but pointing the finger at him. sometimes I feel like I might be suffocating him, but he feels too bad for me or worries so he wont tell me the truth.

How do you know truth from a lie? I honestly wish I had the answer.

Well anyways I'll stop right there for now I think I rambled enough.

If someones brave enough to take a stab at anyone of those thoughts please do, thoughts and comments of any kind are welcomed. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I hope you find peace and healing here.

 

[discarded]

Hi and welcome. It really does sound like you don't have much self worth and that is very sad. I went through a long phase of feeling like I was worth nothing and deserved nothing. Counselling helped but I do often sometimes feel myself slipping back into those old thought patterns. I never really opened up to my counsellor about how I truly thought about myself so I understand, I understand too how hard it is to ask for help, it is not something I do very often. I find it really hard to trust people too, I feel like I am being judged a lot. And I am my worst critic. Maybe you could show your counsellor what you have written above, it might be easier than speaking it. No one deserves to feel the way you do, you deserve so much better.
((((hugs))))

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I hope the information and support here will help you on your journey.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hello :) I can relate to a lot of what you are experiencing. When drunk, I have also used to lash out on my boyfriend in that fashion. At first it shocked me, and I felt reaaly guilty and crappy the next day. I did not understand why I did it. But I figured out that there were many reasons. The main reason being that the lack of control when drunk, made me feel very, very unsafe. Much more unsafe than I normally feel.

Then I tested him by being verbally abusive, like you, for no other reason than to see how far I could go, before he agreed with me and left me, so my own little voice in my head saying: 'You can't trust anyone, nobody really cares for you', was satisfied! What I really wanted to communicate to him was: 'I feel so unsafe and scared and angry. Please love me, comfort me and make me feel safe!' I write this in the past tense, as I stopped drinking :). I hope my insights on this can be of use to you in any way. Welcome to the forum. I am new here too:).

 

[KatKaos]

Hi Aliceinwonderland, it's so awful to hate yourself, I hope coming on here helps a little.

It's good to talk to others that have been through a trauma who might understand some of what your going through. My heart goes out to you, you are so young and have been through so much stuff. It's good you have a boyfriend that cares so much, please don't walk alone at night again.

I know things often can seem bleak, but it's got to get better sometime right? I'm glad your on here and I hope you get the info and support you need.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

When drunk, I have also used to lash out on my boyfriend in that fashion. At first it shocked me, and I felt reaaly guilty and crappy the next day. I did not understand why I did it. But I figured out that there were many reasons. The main reason being that the lack of control when drunk, made me feel very, very unsafe.

Wow thank you, you have no idea how good it feels to know theres someone out there who has the same struggles or who 'had'. I think its awesome that you quit drinking. Im working my way into a recovery program even tho I feel like I can somehow control it I always relapse and I hate how it makes me feel. even more ashamed.
Youre 100% right on the true feelings, 'I feel so unsafe and scared and angry. Please love me, comfort me and make me feel safe!'.
Thanks again Crazyhorse youre very much appreciated. :)

 

[aliceinwonderland]

I hope coming on here helps a little, it's good to talk to others that have been through a trauma who might understand some of what your going through,

Thank you KatKaos for caring :)
Its a great feeling that theres people out there who care even though we're all struggling.
I really want to get help, and being on here helps and so would a combination of therapy, and support groups.
Sometimes its better to get help late than never right?

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I hope you find peace and healing here.

Thanks gizmo, so far so good.
Im glad I happened to come across a forum like this.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Maybe you could show your counsellor what you have written above, it might be easier than speaking it. No one deserves to feel the way you do, you deserve so much better.

Hi discarded,
I think I will try showing my counselor what I wrote, that would be alot easier than finding a way to express it verbally. Because sometimes I end up having scattered thoughts and fragmented ideas/sentences. Because I honestly don't know what I feel like always. And it's difficult to trust myself I don't wanna base my actions or words off of invalid fears and insecurities.

I'm sorry that you went through and still struggle with those same things, I hope we both find true and complete healing.

:joyful:

 

[Kyle]

I am sorry you feel the way you do. We have all been there in one way or another. We tend to hurt the ones we care about the most and do nothing against the people who deserve it.

You have shown a lot of courage to express how you feel. I found your words sincere and thoughtful. Please try and not be too hard on yourself. You are nothing like you described. I know you write very well for a start. We have all done things we are not proud about and wish we can take back.

Recovery can be very frustrating but wonderful also. You will feel worse before you feel better but it does get easier if you stay with it. Exercise is horrible to start. You ache and your body is letting you know it didn't appreciate it but if you stick with it long enough you will see the dividends.

Good luck to you!!

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Thank you Kyle,
Yeah why is that? I wish I could take out my anger on the ones who actually did me harm, and not the other way around.
I find your words very encouraging.
I like the quote on your avatar.
'Smile, let everyone know that today you're a lot stonger than you were yesterday.'