Relationship I'm Officially... Tired

[SRE7267]

I'm tired... exhausted, actually. I'm tired of fighting, tired of feeling alone in whatever this relationship is, tired of having to be strong, tired of being ignored, tired of not being able to have conversations about what is REAL in both our lives, and I'm tired of waiting. I miss him.

Interesting that it comes to this after having a few really great break-throughs this month. I mean I would say that this past 3 weeks have been the best weeks in that I understand better how to reach out, offer support and have been getting actual responses which is a welcomed change. But, maybe because I've made progress with him, my survival mode has calmed and the exhaustion has taken over leaving my mood a little less than happy and my body feeling the effects of the chronic stress? I don't know. Maybe today is just a blah day for me and I'll switch back to strong, motivated me tomorrow. But today, I wish I could just sleep.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope you get some good rest and treat you to special kindnesses for you. You sound like you need the good treatment. To get refreshed and fill your cup up with good stuff, so you can start over. Hugs.

 

[Trembling]

When I was still with my hubby, and I felt terribly exhausted after his episodes, the therapist told me that this is a normal reaction of my body.

First you give all you can, you support, you do, you manage, you think, you are the one living a life for two and all of the sudden things are sort of "ok".
Then your body realizes that the adrenalin is gone and it is supposed to relax.

Don't know if that helps, but it was kind of logical to me.

Do all you can for yourself, you need it. Do not let yourself collapse, you are important too!

 

[myvetswife]

I know that feeling. And the dangerous thing I think is, when you have a good time and they having an episode again. It really kicks you out of your shoes.

 

[Trembling]

And the dangerous thing I think is, when you have a good time and they having an episode again. It really kicks you out of your shoes.

And usually it happens exactly then!

 

[SRE7267]

Yep... and also when you finally feel strong enough to say I've got to take care of myself and leave this situation because there is nothing left I can do for him until he helps himself... and in that instance, they pull you back in by opening up. It's like they sense it... push away, push away, push away... just far enough to where you're about to take that one extra little step that will help break you free... and they swoop on in asking you to come back and you go running right back to them. You have a brief period of a good time, make progress and then BAM! Right back to being pushed to the edge again where you linger for a long time... and the cycle continues.

It's like the definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Clearly, still in a funk. What's funny is that I went home with the purpose of resting last night -- fell asleep early for once and woke up at 2:30am because I was thirsty. I saw I had multiple missed calls from him. Now let me explain that my conversations with him have only been via text message or in person as calling and talking on the phone -- well, that just simply doesn't happen. So the fact that he CALLED and tried multiple times was very different. When I saw it, I tried calling him back and then texted -- and then of course, I was awake the next 2 hours feeling disappointed that I missed his calls and being a bit mad at myself for not having been there to answer when he reached out. I had my phone on silent so calls wouldn't wake me up so I could truly rest after feeling so tired and worn down. Of course he has to call last night when I won't hear my phone. Who knows the next time I'll actually have that opportunity again. I know I shouldn't beat myself up for that -- it is what it is and I was just trying to take care of myself by allowing no interruption of sleep. But damn.

 

[myvetswife]

But maybe it was food he didn't reach you and it made him thinking.

 

[Trembling]

SRE - I could be me....

He left, and in his case was lots of drinking involved....I put my phone on silent, but I was so worried that I even heard the phone buzzing. Of course we cannot sleep again in such a situation.

Beating yourself up, and you know it, does not help, but I fully understand you. I was the same.

Sleeping in peace was my only wish for a long time.

You are pushed, and dragged back in because we love. Hearing at one stage what we want to hear, then we listen.
Being treated good for a moment, helps us to feel good though we know deep inside it will not last.

I even wrote in this forum, I do not want to say I feel good, as every single time I did say it, I fell so much deeper.

 

[SRE7267]

SRE - I could be me....

You are pushed, and dragged back in because we love. Hearing at one stage what we want to hear, then we listen.
Being treated good for a moment, helps us to feel good though we know deep inside it will not last.
I even wrote in this forum, I do not want to say I feel good, as every single time I did say it, I fell so much deeper.

So true!