Sufferer Domestic Violence

[blackemerald1]

Sorcha can you get a referral to a Psychiatrist rather than a Psychologist. Two reasons, one a Psychiatrist has to do six years after gaining a medical degree and is legally allowed to give you medication. Secondly, the right one will know more about PTSD and therefore not ask you stupid questions when you have given him/her a load of information.

Resolving your lack of sleep, especially since you have children to care for, is paramount. Go to a different practice and ask for a referral. Jumping at noises and being hyper-vigilant to cars driving by is normal to a degree. What I mean is obviously if your ex is stalking you, his car or similar cars be it their colour or sound or whatever, is going to switch on your "fight" or "flight" response. There are probably more things that you have noticed since becoming ill, but tell us about them when you are ready.

The smell of a certain after-shave lotion gives me a flash back and I am paralysed with fear because I don't know where it is coming from. I rarely go out because I have multiple triggers and am so exhausted afterwards that I have to rest.

Oh and are not parents just sooo helpful? Mine are the same, just do not want to know. Never did, never will. They live in a place in space where anything emotional is not accepted. I completely understand your frustration with them. But, if you can, don't let their lack of support get to you. You already have more than enough to deal with.

I know there is no magic pill for PTSD. But, you are suffering so much Sorcha and some medications can help. It may mean you are a bit calmer and therefore more able to get through the day without being a complete wreck. After all, what is the point in telling this Psychologist anything if she cannot see herself where you need help.

Try and start using positive and affirming words about yourself sorcha. Stay strong and believe in you own abilities to find the right doctors and the right treatment for you. If you endured 15 years of abuse you can certainly come through this much better than you are now. I am amazed you can care for your children and get through any daily activity. So, you have resilience for a start. I am sure you have many other strong and capable abilities. They may not be obvious to you right now, but start looking for them.

 

[sorcha]

I don't know if I have this, I just know I am a paranoid wreck, don't sleep good, jump around a lot at certain cars, have angry outburst at people often.... cry a bit and have a noisy head. Cannot say the mans name ever as that makes him real, panic a lot, hide a lot, and cannot be quiet, my head works overtime constantly. My parents have to tell me to 'be quiet' lots. I have terrible real-life nightmares.

I was so freaked out by here last night i self medicated in the only way I know how, then it that made me worse, I had to hide under my bed covers and finally my brain was quiet I think and I slept from 12pm -7.30am and could have slept more and had no nightmares, I hate my nightmares they are way too real, that mans face is in my sleep, he needs to leave my head.

Anyway, my dog is staring at me I have to go run to the park for a 5 minute walk, then I can come home again. I cannot even go to the therapist tomorrow as I have a flat tyre and no money and I fell out with my parents again at the weekend, they were arguing over a bit of meat.... very important arguments (not) so I walked out and had an angry outburst. Again.I had one last night too, I wish my children would decided what door they are coming in, they freak me out big time with their knocking one door and coming in another door, so I lock all the doors, they need to stay in I think, too much knocking on my doors going on. I also get 12mg Valium daily but some locum doctor didn't give me enough, so now I have none for Sunday, I wrote them a note yesterday explaining this and saying 'I am back to 3 hour sleeps someone please phone me', still waiting to hear,

I don't know if I have this or not. I would rather not have it though. My head isn't so noisy I don't think, I have the TV on though,that could be hiding the noise.

I have the head of police coming tomorrow and I have no idea why he is coming, my head is so messy, I knew why he was coming last week but now I have no idea, I may be wasting his time.

anyway, dog walkies. I hope I don't have this, maybe I am just a bit stressed out.

 

[sorcha]

Oh sorry thank you!

 

[blackemerald1]

Socha! Big hugs from me! Honey, read over your first post that started this thread. Then read your last one. If your doctor says you have PTSD, do not freak out, do not go into denial. How will you ever cope with your life if you have to lock doors, hide from cars, and all the other things you have thus far said in your posts? Socha, fear of what you have is not going to get it under control.

The Police Officer must be coming around for something, are you experiencing loss of memory or, has it just slipped your mind? At least you remembered he is coming around! He probably knows what it is about so don't worry. You have a lot on your mind socha, things to do and it sounds as if you want it all to go away. I am sure there is not one Forum member, either sufferer or carer, who does not wish this also.

There is an old saying, "If wishes could be horses, beggars would be riders". Socha it all will not calm down until you accept at some level, that you have these mental illnesses and begin to be responsible for your treatment by the best doctors in the field of PTSD that you can find and afford.

Do you really want to be the train wreck that you have described? I am not pushing you, someone else did that to you. Time to stop being afraid of those things that make you afraid now. You mentioned the Police were coming around to give you Panic Alarms. Is that maybe what this Police Officer is doing tomorrow? Time to try and stop being the victim of the abuse you endured. Easy to say, I know....but absolutely essential that you start.

If by some unfathomable circumstance you have been wrongly diagnosed with PTSD, then cheers for that. I cannot tell whether you do or do not. However, you do have some other mental disorders so the same rules apply.

It is great you have a dog and he gets you out for a short walk. Even that is a positive thing. Hope all goes well with the Police visit.

 

[sorcha]

Yes the policeman is coming to talk about what ex has been up to. I remember as I have a list of things to remember. I wanted to talk about it last week but this week I don't. My solicitor reminded me today, I don't need anymore reminders this week. My life needs to calm down. I need a day off, my children have counselling I have counselling everyone has councelling. I don't like the police, they make me anxious, I may phone them and put them off coming. I moved house recently and have just had a phone put in, I don't want to give out number as I jump when it rings. I detest telephones. I have no money to pay anyone to help me, I have to rely on NHS.

Yes I do have issues, I dislike many things, phones, buses, going out, I wold rather stay home, I've complete the first part of my course for college but cannot do anymore as I have to find confidence to go do an assignment, that brings me to driving into a Town, I don't want to do that, I am scared of everything.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I think you need to check around for a new doctor. You are in crises and they are supposed to be helping you, not telling you to live with it. I wish you the best.

 

[sorcha]

I will try another Doctor. I write them notes, phone them telling them I am having a nervous breakdown/going insane, they ignore me or tell up my amytriptyline.

 

[Sues]

Hi sorcha! I'm a domestic violence survivor too. I do some of the things you do as well.

I keep a notepad near so that I can write things down. It helps me remember, especially when things are stressful and there are a lot of things going on. Like with the police coming to see you. When you remember things, try writing them down and then you can have that note to look at later. It might take some worry and stress off from you trying to remember everything and keeping things straight.

Also, with your brain going really fast and lots of thoughts, maybe try writing in a journal or on your computer. I've been writing for a while now. I just write down stuff that comes to mind or that I want to vent out. It might not all go together, but it helps to write it out.

 

[sorcha]

I phoned and cancelled everyone I'm a bit sick of everything, I'm doing what I do best, cleaning and forgetting and hoping he will go away for a for a while after a threat of an injunction, I am way too stressed out with people just now and lawyers letter and scared children he should go away for a while, I think I may be depressed I will call the Doctors, I think they are ignoring Tuesdays note to 'phone me please this 3 hour sleeping is not good', I will phone them, soon.

I keep a diary, no idea why I have been told too by police, I have a switched off phone full of abuse, he has a girlfriend now, she is almost as bad as him, they take drugs, their sole purpose in life is to drive me insane, thankfully they have no way to contact me/us right now, he is scared to go to court as I have lots of 'sorry' letters, they say a lot. My children don't want to see him as they are scared of him and the girlfriend, they have heard her shouting, she doesn't scare me, he doesn't scare me, I sometimes think they would come off worse if we met, I just wish they would go away to be honest. The dad did have supervised access but kept asking about me, children were annoyed with that, then he went for 6 hours a week, children were scared so I said no via solicitor, take me to court, he hasn't.

He just needs to leave us alone again. I also need to lose some stress so will phone the wacky doctors again tomorrow. Too busy today, children due here right about now.

 

[Sues]

I keep a diary, no idea why I have been told too by police

Hi Sorcha, the police want you to keep records of everything he does and says. I did that too and when I went back later on I was shocked at how much details I had forgotten about. It will help you for court and for the police to prosecute him.

If he does anything threatening call the police right away and have them do a crime report. Document everything.

 

[sorcha]

I have 4 A4 sheets of paper now, another lawyers letter on the way too him, should scar him off for a few months, if he breaks any of the RULES in the letter I'm allowed another injunction.

I'm sick of calling the police as ex and g/friend just lie and make me out to be some jealous ex, I am so not, he has moved onto hitting his new g/friend and she believes every word he said, I cannot blame her, I did too for many years. I have told her I wouldn't spit on IT if IT was on fire but he still talks her round into finding me a threat, I'm not they just need to leave me alone now. All her children are in care, due to this man. I have no idea how someone can choose THAT over a child. They also have a baby she is in care also, (via me speaking up) I need to forget about them anyway, that's why they come into my dreams they deserve no brain space.

Sadly I am now abused by an 8 year old, I cannot blame him either, I created the problem, now I deal with it, ducking down from training shoes hitting me in the face/head works, as does sending the child to bed. He just pushed 2 wheelie bins at me for daring to tell him to come in.

I'm just everything to quieten down again for a while. I keep my diary though.

Phones don't stand up in court as texts can be altered, I try to laugh at threats now.. apparently 'I'm dead' I am pretty sure I'm alive and overly stressed out just now.

Thank you though, it's nice to talk to someone who understands, I have no Idea if I have PTSD I have read lots of stories worse than my life, I can cope with being abused in the past and know never to rust easily again, I have no idea why it has turned me into a wreck.

 

[Sues]

I know it's hard. I am living it too. Hang in there, don't give up, and know that you have a place here in this forum to chat, vent, and ask questions.